Dating : I’m on a break with my significant other and it’s the best decision we’ve ever made in our…

It was June 29, the day before Pride and I promised myself that I wouldn’t say anything to my significant other about the one-month (minimum) break I needed so that I could reevaluate the relationship. I had been feeling unhappy for a while, but maybe, prolonging it could help me think differently. We agreed to grab breakfast in the morning as I lay in bed with my phone beside my pillow. We wanted to head out to the city together — in our matching outfits with the blank tank tops.

I knew something had to be said that day when, as we waited for our parade group (Marymount Manhattan College, woo!!) to assemble, I didn’t dance along to the music playing on the car stereo in the parking garage or spoke to my friends. I felt depressed, in angst, and guilty for bringing my significant other to an event that we had both been looking forward to since we spent our last one together since I was having a hard time enjoying his company and it made it difficult for him to enjoy mine. He kept trying to make jokes and all I could manage was a small smile.

I told him we needed to speak. He nodded. I asked him what he thought I was going to say.

“You don’t love me anymore.”

His words took me off guard. I felt even more conflicted: upset at myself for behaving in a way that made him doubt my love, but also confused as to why he remained silent after all this time if he knew something was wrong. I brought him to my chest and careened over him as we sat under some scaffolding (to protect ourselves from the insane heat and sun). I questioned if I loved him at that moment even though the words “Of course I love you!” shot out of my mouth like a rocket.

A resentful argument followed. At one point, I had tried leaving, but he held onto my arm and tried to calm me down with words that are warped and blurry now. It was the stress, the job that was killing him, my anxiety, his silence, the miscommunication. We were out of touch with each other. We were out of touch with ourselves.

I suggested a break and he said our relationship would piteously whither. We couldn’t place ourselves in a bubble to be suspended in the air for the duration of the break, but we had to keep moving forward together even if we were apart. After agreeing to try for another week to decide if we really needed a break or not, I ended up going over to his place where, for some reason or another, I yelled at him. Insulted him, actually. Called him an a**hole. The look on his face broke my heart because he didn’t deserve it even if I had anxiety. It wasn’t excusable and won’t ever be. He had never once insulted me, had never raised his voice unless I had raised mine first. His patience is stellar.

I took to the internet as soon as I got home and searched “Taking a break from a relationship”. I was met with a plethora of results ranging from personal essays to trending celebrity posts. My eyes glazed over the success/failure stories and “The Reason Why A Break is a Bad Idea”. I knew it was the right decision. I just needed to figure out how to go about it and explain it to my love so that he didn’t think that a Break = Goodbye.

I found just the site to help me. It helped ease my burdens and reorganize my thoughts so that both my partner and I would go into the break without a sense of immediate doubt or haplessness. Written by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler (perfect: I told my SO that if I had the money, I would pay for couples counseling), the article really emphasized the flaws of our previous conversation at Pride. We both had spoken from a place of hurt and uncertainty and neither one of us knew how being away from each other that long would do to our relationship. We needed to set goals and a date — a two-week break sounded like the best way to go. To heal the relationship from a toxic one to a healthy one wasn’t going to happen overnight. It needed time.

This had to be, as Shaler puts it, a “retreat with purpose.”

Right before we began this period of silence, we messaged each other, cried a bit, spoke about how much love and faith is going into the relationship for us to respectfully give each other space.

The first couple of days, I felt happier and motivated to write more (he’s always pushing me to write more). The next few days, my anxiety started kicking in and I was overcome with crying spells. The possibility that our relationship could be at its end drove me into a state of overeating and K-dramas. (I managed to keep working out since my friend was holding me accountable, so thankfully, I had an outlet to burn those calories.) Now, it has been a little over a week and I am missing my SO more and more with each day that passes. I have erased all my doubts about love and commitment. As a polyamorous person, I often have a hard time letting go of what was in previous relationships because to me, real love never disappears or fades out like the outro of a song. Even so, I am willing to move on, to stop comparing, which I’ve been subconsciously doing and consciously denying, and look straight ahead, into the eyes of my significant other.

Of course, there are things we need to seriously conversate about such as our living situation, our goals, and the future as we both have very different personalities. That’s not to say that we are going forward with the relationship when we meet again. Our visions for the future may end up in disagreement and maybe, we’ll find that we’re not able to offer each other what we need. We’ll find out when we speak in person again. All I know is that I’m sure of what I want and need in the relationship and hopefully, he does too. I want us to be able to talk about everything so we can erase what has been misconstrued in our minds, assuage the pain that these misconceptions have brought, destroy insecurities, and build something solid. But whatever we decide, I know it will come from a place of unconditional love and maturity.