Dating : it

“So, are we going to see your crush tonight then?” Alex asks with a smile on her face. We are sat in a pub in Camden waiting for the comedy show upstairs to begin. I get distracted, looking at the burger that I ordered as my meal of the day and secretly wondering why I ordered it, as I know it’s not really what I want. I look away from my food to answer.

“No, I mean, we are going to see her but she’s not my crush.” I say, picking up a chip, wondering whether or not to put mayonnaise on it. I don’t, there’s a strange certainty to putting sauce over your chips. It kind of makes them unsharable.

“But you think she’s cute.” Alex retorts. I pause for a moment, chip still in hand.

“That’s regardless.” I say, realising that she’s obviously correct. “Anyhow, she’s not my crush, we both know who my celebrity crush is.” This brings on the conversation about my celebrity crush, it’s a writer, you more than likely don’t know her. I’m not saying that in a hipster way, just that most people haven’t. Alex remains somewhat unconvinced, but there’s a break in the conversation as I go up to the bar to ask about the status of Alex’s food order that seems to be taking some time. The bar staff assure me that they’ll look into it, I thank them and go back to my seat. “They’re going to check it out for you.”

“Cool.” Alex says. We talk for a moment about mutual friends of ours that I have spoken to or seen recently. “I think you fancy her.” Alex says, pointing to a girl who has just popped up on my phone.

“I don’t.” I say with the confidence you have when you know what you’re saying is absolutely true. “She doesn’t have ‘it’.” I have explained what ‘it’ is before.

“Hmmm.” Alex says, in that way that means ‘I believe you, but only for now’.

“Oh, did I tell you? I met the woman that my friend said would be my future wife.” I say with a smile, I’m at the age now where people have a strange vested interest in my love life. I get friends, male and female asking me when I’m going to have children or when I’m thinking I might get into the ‘family way’. And this has led to people trying to set me up with women they know. They don’t usually stick, but it’s amusing nonetheless.

“No you didn’t. How was it?” I shrug. “So you’re saying that if she said that she fancied you, you wouldn’t go for it?” I’m trying to concentrate on the question, but I hadn’t realised just how much salt had been put on my chips. I don’t know how, but the top few had managed to avoid the snowstorm of salt. I don’t really put salt on my food, there’s no need. I hand the chips over to share while we wait for Alex’s food to arrive.

“No, I wouldn’t, be it my future wife or your mate.” I repeat, it’s the same answer as before, just phrased slightly different. “You think I fancy pretty much every single woman out there don’t you?” I say, Alex, nods in agreement. “You know that I have female friends that I hang around with that I don’t actually fancy right?” I say smiling, by the look on her face, I’m not sure she believes this.

“They could fancy you.” She says, which I consider, but I’ve never really been that good at realising when people fancy me. It just never really gets picked up on. I realise that at this point Alex may be saying this to boost my self-esteem, which is appreciated, but it’s met with a shrug.

“Stranger things have happened, but, unfortunately it doesn’t matter. As you know, very few girls have ‘it’.” I’ve had a couple of cokes, some over-salted chips and a burger. And even though I know that I’ve told Alex this before, I go into my little speech once more. Alex’s food arrives just as I’m about to start talking. “Thank you.” I say to the waitress.

“Thank you.” Alex says, and then laughs to herself as she squirts mayonnaise all over her chips. This makes me laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you shut your eyes and shake your head. But, this is not the time to be laughing, I’ve got a very important point to make. Even though I never seem to quite nail it.

“‘It’, Alex, is a special quality that not all women have, but is somewhat essential for me to find someone attractive. And I mean attractive in the classical sense, a drawing closer of you and that other person. Not all attractive people have ‘it’, but, if someone has ‘it’ they are instantly attractive.” Alex rolls her eyes, as she heard me theorising quite a bit over the years. I smile, not sure why. “Every person has their own version of ‘it’, some common thread that must exist going through all the people that they find attractive. And part of the fun is not really knowing what it is, not analysing what it is, but following it, following ‘it’, that feeling, that magnetism, that energy.” I click my fingers trying to convey energy while Alex politefully listens to my nonsense. “That’s what I search for, it’s just a bit hard to find is all. I mean, I’ve found it, as you know, but it’s the finding it again that’s a bit tough. I’ll figure it out.” I end my mini-speech with a smile, Alex asks the time, I check my watch and the comedy show that we came here to see is starting soon.

Alex goes up to the bar to get a drink, she asks if I’d like one too, but I’m okay. I look at the table, the food I had long since abandoned. And while Alex is at the bar, I do a little dance to the music that’s playing as people start to shuffle to the stairs to get to the comedy above. And I’m there with my thoughts for a moment or two, and I realise, ‘it’ isn’t that elusive. It’s out there and it’s what separates a face from the crowd, creates the bond that stays secure and makes you happy that you have met that person. One day I’ll figure out a way to convey what it is I mean with some semblance of coherency but for now, I’ll tell you what I know.

‘It’ is important.

‘It’, is what it’s all for.