Dating : It’s official: mission find ‘the one’ is over.

It’s funny what changes in less then a week.

In my last entry, I talked about some of my trials about becoming thirty and looking for the ‘one’.

It’s remarkable how our perspectives can seemingly change so rapidly. I had these big ideas about the person I was going to meet on Friday night. It’s easier to think ‘I’ve met the one’ when I haven’t even got to know her yet. I’m in love with the idea of her, the concept of her in my mind. She ticks a few boxes, and all of a sudden, I have this urge to put this big ‘the one’ label on her. Well, I completely over-hyped it.

What I experienced was that after actually meeting her and getting to know one another a bit more, I realised..

This is a human being, just like me, just like my boss, just like my cleaner. With their own complexities and perspectives. It’s not that she isn’t perfect in her way; she is. But I had built up this idealised vision of her. Which is easy to do when you don’t know anything about that person, or thing for that matter.

What I was left with, was this sense of relief. Perhaps a sense of relief that this whole euphoric hopping around London on a treasure-hunt to find the one may be nothing more than a wild-goose chase. It’s a short-lived excitement, based on this predication that this person, or this thing, will give me that va va voom I’ve been lacking. I’ve created this notion that something external to me will give me excitement, happiness and fulfilment.

The truth I know this short-lived idealism is a cognitive distortion. A mirage of romance in the desert of singledom. Within Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), there are a number of cognitive distortions that we as human-beings have a tendency to fall prey too. In my case, a few of these include:

Black and white thinking; where we project things to either be very good or very bad for example. In my case, I think I’ve been walking around with a black and white thinking cap on, judging potential romantic partners on whether they’re the one, or not the one, based on scant evidence and largely imagined ideals and personas.

Filtering; this is where we generally only look at the negatives of a situation. In my case, I would also apply it to only thinking about the positives of a situation. Complete idealism not grounded in reality.

I’ve found the the use of CBT to be quite handy to remove some of these distortions.

I’ve also been heavily focused on finding the one, as that seems to be the order of the day for people turning 30 on social media. But what really makes them happier then me?

There is no real proof to say that married couples have a better life or more happiness then a single person. Being honest, yes, I would like to have a family of my own one day. But what’s the point in losing sleep over it?

It may be better to take a more reasonable approach to this. If anything, I’ve probably being trying too hard. I’ve been dating too much and I haven’t been giving new romances a chance to breath. I’m reminded of a zen aphorism about holding sand. If you try and close your fist to ‘capture’ the sand, it escapes from you, versus keeping your palm open; the sand stays there. Most of it at least.

Perhaps this is also similar to that annoying thing people say. ‘It happened when I least expected it.’ As much as that phrase is incredibly frustrating to hear as it doesn’t help at all, there is something to be said for letting go and just enjoying the ride.

The less I date, the more I’ll appreciate each person I meet when I actually go on a date. My mind won’t be so clouded my different people and ‘options’. I’ve been trying to find some kind of perfect girl, by leap-frogging around. Perfect doesn’t exist.

Perfect is the girl I met on Friday night. Perfect is the shitty job I have with the boss I hate. Perfect are the clean sheets I put on my bed that don’t quite smell as chemically-enhanced fresh as they could. Perfect is just everything as it is.