Dating : Karma, is that you?

It’s funny how life throws curveballs when you least expect, right? There I was thinking 2020 couldn’t get any weirder and suddenly, BOOM. He makes his way back in my life just the week I was vulnerably remembering how I let him go.

Timing truly is everything. It’s not just some cliche you hear in a Rom-Com. Nope. The thing with timing is you’ll never really know its purpose. You know how people say “trust the timing of your life” or “time heals all wounds”. I can’t say I agree completely.

Can you really trust the timing of your life? Aren’t we always going to be expecting something different if we live by those words? And you know what? Time does not heal all wounds. Why do we give time the credit of healing? Time will make you forget, eventually. It will get you to think less about something, but only if you’re committed to doing so. You see we’re wired to believe that eventually all will be alright. I call BS.

Give credit where credit is due. You’re responsible for healing yourself. Yeah you can and probably did get help from others, but you’re the one who got through a tough time. And actually, without effort you would just be wasting time.

So, you might ask yourself what the hell is she even saying? Listen, I’ve had this on and off sort of relationship with a pretty special guy. We’ve never actually been officially together. The closest we’ve been to getting there was three years ago when I just became single. Obviously, rushing into relationships is not my thing. And so, we drifted apart as he moved out of town and we couldn’t agree on labeling the relationship. He was always there. Ready. All-in. Whatever you want to call it. Meanwhile, I was nowhere near emotionally ready to dive in to a relationship again.

Now, despite our differences, bickering and lack of timing, we have the greatest time together. I think after 11 years of knowing each other it wasn’t until a month or so ago that I realized he’s probably my person. (Emphasis on probably because I’m not 100% over my commitment issues, but actively working on them.)

Thing is, I’ve had literally the coldest heart for the past four years (since I ended my one and only real relationship). And suddenly, I feel ready to fully get into a serious relationship. Let’s be honest, if something positive has come out of quarantine, it’s definitely this. Me connected with my feelings? Actually expressing myself towards someone else? Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.

But of course things can’t be easy peasy lemon squeezy. Nope. Not for you, you heartless little bish.

So, a couple of weeks ago I went through some rough emotionally-draining days. Those “I think I’ll watch The Notebook” kind of days. To the point where I literally went through what went wrong in my love life. (I’m picky and I know it.) I’ve refused to settle with less than what I deserve and have definitely payed the price. I’d say I’m as close as you get to a human form of a cat. (Not ashamed. I love them.) Realistically, I can’t seem to see myself staying in a relationship I know is going nowhere. Yeah, I might have dragged one or two flings longer than I should have. But, who hasn’t? Anyway, during those days I remembered the one thing that kept me from really committing to him: fear of commitment.

Now that I feel I can finally open myself up to someone, he shows up. (Yep, timing.) Out of the blue he messaged me. Something that he hadn’t done since he started dating a girl and decided he had to let me know he couldn’t talk anymore. (Even though I didn’t initiate the conversation.) Well, he just broke up with her a couple of weeks before messaging me. Shocker. (Yeah, timing once again.)

So, he’s single. I’m single. Time should work in our favor, right? WRONG. I’m finally ready to settle down. But the real question here is: is he?