Dating : Leave it to Skeever

“Honey, I’m home!”

Gregor Cheever threw open the front door. He tossed his jacket and hat on the coat rack and skittered across the foyer.

“Mitsy, kids, come on in here! Scurry up, now!” His antennae vibrated with excitement. “Wait till you see what I found on the way home from work! You won’t believe it!”

Crody was the first to arrive. He held a bundle of paper in one hand, a pencil in another, and a pair of tiny toy trucks in the remaining two.

“Hi, Pa!” he said. “Wait till you hear what Skeeve did today. Oh boy, is he gonna get it!”

“That’s quite enough out of you, young man,” Mitsy Cheever said as she skittered in. She brushed her four hands against her apron and shot a disapproving look at Crody. “You’re not exactly blameless, are you?”

“Aw, Ma! I didn’t do nothing! It was all Skeeve! He’s the one who — ”

“Enough, young man!” She held up a tarsal claw. “I won’t have another word out of you, or you’ll go straight to bed without any scum.”

Gregor faked a stern look at his boy, then winked at Mitsy and swept an arm toward the front door. “Speaking of scum, dear — you won’t believe what I — ”

“And you! Late from work, barging in here without saying a proper hello to your family!”

“Sorry, dear. You’re right.” Gregor blushed and straightened up. “Good morning, love.” He kissed her cheek, then mussed up Crody’s antennae. “How was your night, champ?”

“It was fine, Pa. Except for when Skeeve got all crazy and — ”

“Crody Cheever!” Mitsy put four fists on her hips.

Crody hunched over his paper and scribbled something. “Sorry, Ma.”

“Say, where is Skeever?” Gregor asked, peering into an adjacent room. “I have something I’m just bursting out of my exoskeleton to share with you.”

“That boy’s probably hiding.” Mitsy sighed, then called out. “Skeever, dear? Scurry on in here. Your father’s home and it’s time to discuss what happened at school today.”

A runty fella skittered in, twiddling his tarsal claws nervously.

“Hi, Pa,” Skeever said, wincing slightly as he spoke. “Uh, how was your day?”

Gregor crossed one pair of arms. “Hello, son. I had a fine day, as a matter of fact. But we’ll talk about that once you tell me how your day went.”

Mitsy looked like someone who’d just had a great weight taken off her back. Crody stifled a giggle.

“Well, Pa…” Skeever shuffled uneasily. “I kinda got sent home from school for something I did at recess.”

“Mm-hmm. Well, go on. Tell me what you did.”

“Well, Pa…I got into a fight with Jarney Flek.”

Gregor’s eyes narrowed. “Flek? Is that Blek Flek’s boy?”

“That’s right, Pa.”

“Tell him, Skeeve! Tell him what you did!” Crody blurted out.

“Young man!” snapped Mitsy.

Gregor crossed his other pair of arms. “Out with it, son.”

“Well, see…Jarney and I were having at it, and Drabek was egging us on, and, well…I hurt Jarney pretty bad. Real bad, actually.”

“I’d say so, Skeeve — you ate his head!” Crody laughed. “Then you ate two arms! If the teachers hadn’t stopped you, you’d have — ”

“Crody Milktoast Cheever! You’re one to talk!” Mitsy wagged a claw at her eldest son. “Why don’t you tell your father what you were up to while your brother ate that poor boy?”

Crody started scribbling again. “Aw, shucks. I wasn’t up to much. I was just watching with all the other kids.”

“That’s right. You stood there with that troublesome Drabek Bootlicker and the other kids,” she scolded. “You watched your brother perform cannibalism and didn’t lift a finger to stop him. Young man, that’s no way for an older brother to behave.”

Crody hung his head. “I’m real sorry, Ma, Pa.”

“Me, too. Real sorry,” Skeever let his head hang a hair lower than his brother’s.

Gregor sighed and unfolded his arms. He took a seat in his evening chair and padded both knees. “Boys, come on over here. Time for a little chat.”

They did. Skeever hopped up with a grunt. Crody had grown so much after his last molt that he barely fit on his father’s knee.

“Now, boys, listen up. Skeeve, I understand what you’re going through. I was your age once. I remember how quickly a little schoolyard scuffle can turn violent. We’re only cockroach, for heaven’s sake! But you mustn’t go around cannibalizing the neighbors. Even if fellas like Drabek are cheering you on, you have to learn some restraint. Don’t you agree?”

“Yes, Pa.” Skeeve was on the verge of tears. “It won’t happen again. I promise.”

“And Crody. A Cheever doesn’t abandon his family in time of need. Your little brother could’ve used some brotherly guidance today. Instead, you let him murder a classmate in front of the whole school. I want you to think about how that affects the Cheever name. We can’t have everyone going around thinking we might eat them, can we?”

Crody frowned. “No, pa, I guess we can’t. I won’t let Skeeve eat anyone else, if I can help it.”

Gregor put his arms around them and squeezed. “Alright, I think these boys have learned their lesson. What do you say I show you what I found this morning?”

The gloom fell away from the boys’ faces. Mitsy arched an antennae.

“You love your secrets, don’t you? Let’s not take too long — I have a moldy cardboard casserole in the oven.”

“Mitsy darling, when you see what I’ve got you’ll want to bury your casserole out back.”

“Gregor! I never — !”

“Now, now, dear. You’ll understand soon enough. Just hear me out.” He raised all four arms in surrender. “I was skittering home from work, much like any other morning. When I got about halfway between the house and the toolshed, I heard — no, I felt — a great rumbling roll across the land. I froze. Before I could scurry away, the sky ripped in two and a giant face appeared — a face unlike anything I could have imagined. It was soft and pink in some parts, but on top and around its mouth grew millions of tiny antennae. I stood transfixed, unable to move. For how long, I can’t be sure.”

“Gregor, is this some kind of practical joke?”

“Mitsy, dear, I swear on everything that’s rotten that I’m telling you the truth. The next thing I know, the giant lowered a massive tube right in front of me. On the tube was a strange symbol that looked like a grinning white face with two white femurs cross-crossing behind it. Next to the symbol was printed two words: FOR COCKROACHES.”

“What was it, Pa?” Skeever asked, mouth agape.

“Well, Skeeve, I asked myself that same question. And I got my answer when something oozed from the tip of the tube. It was…incredible.” His eyes flickered to the front door. “Why not just show you?”

He slid his sons from his lap, leapt to his feet, then disappeared out front. A moment later, a huge, tan blob filled the door frame. It throbbed and pulsed until it finally squeezed through and plopped into the foyer. Gregor stood panting behind it.

“Introducing, The Scum Boulder! A gift from God!” He beamed, slapping it heartily. The blob wobbled.

The boys skittered around it, gawking. Crody took a deep breath. “Wow-ee, Pa!”

“Gregor…” Mitsy gasped and clamped her hands together. “It’s so big! And it smells wonderful!”

“Yes, dear, it sure does! I wanted to gobble it down right there on the spot, but it seemed wrong to keep something like this all to myself. So I rolled it home as fast as I could — to share it with the ones I love.”

The Cheevers stood frozen, lustfully eyeing the huge tan blob.

Gregor cleared his throat. “Well, what are you waiting for? Dig in!”

Crody and Mitsy dug their claws in and scooped out handfuls of the stuff. Skeever stepped away.

“No!” he shouted. “Stop!”

Gregor looked at him disapprovingly, “Young man, it’s not every day that God delivers such a blessing. You put that frown away right now and — ”

“No! I won’t!” Skeever cried out. He scurried into the kitchen and out the back door.

Mitsy sighed. “Now what’s wrong with that boy?”

“Crody, put that scum down and go check on your brother,” Gregor said.

Crody started into the kitchen, but stopped. “He’s coming back. Looks like he’s dragging something behind him.”

The back door slammed shut, and Skeever skittered into the foyer pulling his red wagon behind him.

“Ma, Pa, I been thinking,” Skeever said. “Just like it wasn’t right for Pa to keep God’s gift all to himself, it ain’t right for us Cheevers to hog it, either.”

Gregor’s antennae rose. “What are you suggesting, son?”

“Well, Pa…there’s enough here to feed the whole neighborhood. And after what I did today at school, eating Jarney and all,” he paused, looking at his feet. “I figure it might help things for the Cheever name if I went door to door and gave everyone some of this scum. You know, share God’s gift.”

Crody put a claw on his brother’s shoulder. “Golly, Skeeve. What a swell idea! Can I come along and give you a hand?”

Gregor and Mitsy exchanged a warm smile.

“Your mother and I think that’s a fine idea, boys. A fine idea, indeed. Let us help you pile up as much as you can take.”

The Cheevers were able to load more than half the blob onto the wagon. A moment later the boys were across the street, skittering from door to door.

“They’re a couple of good boys, aren’t they, Gregor?” Mitsy let her head fall onto Gregor’s shoulder.

“They sure are, Mitsy. They sure are.”

He led her back inside the foyer. What was left of the blob glistened in the dawn’s light.

“Hey, Mitsy, what do you say we have a little taste before they get back?”

“But, dear, we always eat as a family.”

“Just a bite or two, honey. Come on! Here, let me feed you a bite.” He scooped some into her mouth.

She swooned. “Mmmmmm! Here, let me feed you a bite, too!”

“Wow! This stuff is out of this world!” Gregor swallowed and fed her more. “Say, this reminds me of our honeymoon. Remember, out in the compost heap? We — ”

He clenched his stomach.

She swallowed, turned green, and hunched over.

“Gregor…I don’t feel so good,” she groaned.

“Mitsy, I…I…”

He keeled over onto his back.

Mitsy screamed, then she too was legs up.

They twitched in unison, sharing one last spastic dance together before becoming stiff.

There was a knock on the door.

“Heeeey Cheevers! Can Crody and Skeever come out to play?” Drabek Bootlicker, the boy who lived next door, peeked his head inside. “What’s cooking, Mrs. C? Smells great! Mind if I stay for — ”

Drabek saw Gregor and Mitsy Cheever on their backs, motionless. He sniffed. His face lit up.

“Since, uh, you guys won’t be needing this,” he looked quickly from side to side and snatched what was left of the tan blob. “I’m gonna take it home, okay?”

As he skittered outside, he cupped his claws and called, “Mom! Dad! Look what I found!”