Dating : Letters to My Past and Future Self

My ex taught me to be a little more like him — hurt, scared, and convinced I am unable to love.

I thought I could “fix” him (a rookie, tragically common mistake); I thought that I could show him how to love again.

After all, I was not afraid. I was willing to throw my all in, and to get my heart broken in the process.

Well, I didn’t quite sign up for that last part. I knew it was a possibility, but it was distant, unlikely. It would only happen if I failed, and I knew my love for him wouldn’t fail. I wouldn’t fail, because I could love without conditions or boundaries.

What I didn’t realize is that he might not be able to receive or reciprocate that love. And that love might not even be healthy or good.

It’s been three years since our messy, traumatic breakup, and I’m still scared. I don’t want to date, even though I am actually desperately lonely. I put walls up, I act so casual no one will ever think I have feelings for them, I use my former relationship as a wall and an excuse (I’m still healing, It hasn’t been long enough, I’m not ready for another relationship).

I’m him. I have his same fear, his same reluctance, his same damaging walls.

I realize that I would break anyone who tried to date me, in a blind effort to protect myself. I would propagate the cycle, creating more hurt and heartbreak.

I couldn’t show him how to love again. Instead, I became like him.

But can I show myself?

Maybe the new me could learn a lesson from a younger, more open former self.

If younger, non-heartbroken me could talk to me now, what would she say?

This is what my younger self wanted to show my bruised boyfriend. This is what she would say to me, in her naivete and fresh-heartedness.