Dating : Lies Are the Foundation of Every Meaningful Relationship

“Look at that stunning girl over there,” Jeff said.

I looked. We were sitting at a local bar. People watching is the whole point of going out to a bar. I wasn’t there to meet anyone, I was just having a drink with a buddy.

“Yes, she’s very attractive,” I said. “But she’s the type of girl who is only going to pay attention to you if you ignore her.”

“Nonsense,” Jeff said.

I shrugged. Jeff didn’t have to believe me.

This girl was having a great time. She was in demand and she knew it. She trotted over and started talking to Jeff. I pointedly looked the other way. After about a minute, this girl was tapping me on my shoulder.

“Hey!” she said. “Hey, you!”

“Sorry,” I replied. “I’m not interested.”

Too bad for me it was true. If I’d really wanted to get rid of her I should have told her she was beautiful and asked her out. As it was, I barely managed to escape her attention long enough to get out of there.

This is just one of many tricks I wished I’d known when I was young and single. Acting like you’re not interested drives people crazy.

I think both men and women are attracted to jerks. If you’re not naturally a jerk, it can be hard to meet people, but you have to be the right kind of jerk.

I was working as a teacher in a school and, as a social experiment, I decided to treat everyone terribly. Normally I try really hard to be nice to everyone, so being a jerk was difficult.

I’ve never been in such demand, it was embarrassing.

One of the other male teachers had a pretty good BS detector. His name was Grant. Actually, it didn’t take a whole lot of insight, my behavior was extreme to the point of being a farce.

“Grant,” one of the ladies said, “why is Walter so mean to us?”

“I think Walter is actually a really nice guy and he’s just putting on a show to get your attention. From what I’ve seen, it’s totally working.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

So, now they had a reason to justify my behavior so I had to be twice as big a jerk as before.

It’s funny how everyone always talks about how honesty is important in a relationship. Eventually, that’s true, but in the early days, it’s your job to lie through your teeth.

Your romantic partners want a super-sized portion of lies, with an extra order of lies on the side.

Do you think I’m wrong? Well, do you fart on a first date? Do you show up with messy hair and wrinkled clothing?

Do you admit that you’re broke and that your life is a mess and deep down in your heart of hearts you desperately believe all you need to be saved is to find that special person to love you?

Heck no, you don’t do that! You don’t do any of that! Instead, you lie! You act like you’ve got it together. You dress up in a way you can’t maintain for more than a few hours. You present the best possible version of yourself.

But it’s not who you are.

It’s a lie.

It’s not a mean lie because you’re not trying to hurt anyone. You’re trying to be better than you are. That’s the whole point of love. It makes you better than you were before. But you aren’t that way before you fall in love, so you’ve got to fake it ’til you make it.

The whole point of going out and meeting new people is to learn how to read what a person wants and then give it to them. It’s not about you, it’s about them! That’s nearly impossible for some people to understand.

Not every relationship is for your whole life. Some are few a few years, some are few a few months, some are shorter. Your objective is to walk away from these relationships, no matter how long they are, with both parties feeling better about themselves.

Be a wizard. Read people. Make them feel understood.

After you’ve dated for a while, you start to recognize repeating personality types. You can kind of see this in the casting for Hollywood films. If you can’t get Chris Evans, get Chris Pine. If you can’t get Chris Pine, get Chris Hemsworth. If you can’t get Chris Hemsworth, get Chris Pratt.

See? Not only are they all the same, they’re even all named ‘Chris’ (my wife just looked over my shoulder and said that Chris Hemsworth should be the first guy on the list).

My guess is everyone knows a friend or a relative with a string of boyfriends or girlfriends that are indistinguishable from one another. There are some people that you meet in grade school and then you meet that same person again with a different name and in a different body in the workplace.

I’d never met anyone like my wife before. That’s the person you have to find. The person who is unique to you.

Stretch out the honeymoon as long as you can. Keep dressing up for each other. Preen like a peacock. Act like you’re bigger and better than you are. Show off every part of you that’s perfect and hide the rest.

Sooner or later, something will happen that will break the illusion. You’ll screw up. You’ll be vulnerable. He or she will catch a glimpse of something that you didn’t want them to see.

That’s when the honesty will start settling in.

They’ll either stay or they’ll leave. Either way, it will be the right decision for both of you. Relationships are brutal, but I think you’ll be surprised at how often that special person will make the choice to stay.

The truth is, the things you think are terrible about you are the same problems everyone else has. You’ll see.