Dating : Love as Code: The syntax dictates doing the elements in order

The best love is the kind that hits all of these: Respect, Friendship, Attraction, Intimacy, Unity. All can stand alone but true love comes when you hit all of them. In fact, I believe they work best when they develop in order.

It’s like an equation, or computer code:

Respect + Friendship + Attraction + Sex + Intimacy + Unity = Love.

The code elements must be in order.

Respect is a given — try being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you. It sucks. This is the must-have foundation.

Friendship is the glue — if you don’t genuinely like your partner and enjoy spending time with them, then you have a tough road ahead.

Attraction is important — but don’t start here! Hot-on-the-outside isn’t enough.

Sex is essential — but don’t start here either! — SO MANY START HERE. Sex is so much better when it is preceded by the first three.

Intimacy — develops when there’s psychological safety. You can be vulnerable. So so far you have respect, a great friend you’re attracted to, great sex…these are all ingredients for intimacy.

Unity — you support one another even when you’re not together. You face challenges together. You’re a team.

LOVE. Love is the result that can come from the first 6. Love can come before sex, and should. But for me, love strengthens and builds with sex over time, as long as respect, friendship…etc.

• Sex without respect is exploitation.
• Unity isn’t possible without friendship.
• Sex without intimacy is exercise.
• Friendship without respect is fake.
• Attraction before friendship is the book-cover kind. It’s shallow.
• Attraction after friendship is powerful.
• Intimacy with respect, friendship, and attraction is mind-blowing.

Respect and Unity are missing with me and my (now-ex) boyfriend

We have so much fun together, but fun is actually the problem. He is a guy who works to live; I have ambitions.

He tells me what I can’t do. Finds the flaws in every idea. His favorite conversations are about cool parties he’s been to, places he’s traveled. How he wants to live outside the US. Without a clear plan, natch.

I have fingers in many pies. I work full-time and have side hustles. I blog. I’m interested in ideas and testing new things.

We aren’t headed in the same direction — no Unity.

He doesn’t Respect my ambitions, and has even made fun of them in social settings. He grows impatient with my “what-if” thinking. He has less than zero interest of reading anything I’ve written or any other project.

I don’t respect his lack of ambition, and am tired of hiding it.

When I am with him, I am not growing. I’m not getting closer to my goals.

Maybe I need to listen to my own advice and follow #TheLoveCode.