Dating : Love Letter to The One, I Couldn’t Save

Not even death can do us part

I wanted to save you. I know it had never been my job, and I never even wanted it, but I can’t help myself thinking that still, I failed you. I couldn’t save you and I blame myself that you are gone.

It was love — of the purest, most noble type of it, the one that moves mountains and stretches through time and space, without conditions, expectations or hope. A love that was born with us, indelible from our souls, no matter what life brought, no matter how hard it was at times, no matter how much we struggled to keep it alive.

I don’t know how to live without you. It’s been 18 years and there are days, like today, when I still wonder how I am still alive when you are not. How I still breathe when you don’t.

Where does love go when it is gone?

“Grief is love with no place to go.”

I am grieving ever since. Since that terrible morning when I learnt that you were gone. When it dawned on me that I will never see you again, never hear you call my name, never breathe you in.

I will always miss you. I will always miss those years we never got to spend together, the things I could never share with you, the birthdays and dinners, the cigarettes shared in the kitchen as you were peeling potatoes and cracking dad-jokes. I always thought you were so funny. Not only when I was little, but always. You were so smart and witty and quick to reply with a ton of sarcasm.

I look for you in everyone. I look for the wrinkles near your eyes, I look for your deep voice, I look for your walk, your posture, your face and smile. I look for the brains that you had, the jokes only you could say in a funny way, I look for the carefree laughter as you laughed at yourself and made fun of life.