Dating : Modern Love Advice that Plato Believed will Destroy Your Relationship

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t try to change me.”

Plato would have laughed his tunic off at this modern-day malarky. Plato taught that we love someone with one intention — to make them better.

Sure, trying to change someone’s appearance or something idiosyncratic is a waste of energy. Your partner’s dirty socks on the floor are not making them a lesser being.

But what if it is more than dirty socks on the floor? Maybe your partner’s lack of organization is causing them to miss deadlines. So you give them some tips on getting more organized. If done with a light hand and an even lighter heart, that kind of change comes out of love and not ego.

There’s a reason why society calls certain couples “power couples.” Power couples accomplish their goals, not because they work toward their ambitions together. Power couples accomplish goals because they hold their partner accountable when they veer off their path in life.

“You will find someone when you are not looking.”

The 80s love ballads have taught us well. “You can’t hurry love. No, you just have to wait . . .”

Sorry Phil Collins, but Plato would have told you to get off your butt and stop being so darn lazy.

All happy couples have one thing in common — they seduced each other. They worked hard for each other. They found each other because they were open to finding each other.

I agree that if you are desperate for love, you will get “the stink.” That’s when everyone can smell desperation on you, and it is definitely unattractive. But that is not the advice wrapped up in this quote.

This quote implies that the perfect relationship will fall magically into your lap without putting in any work. We are taught from a young age to be positive and confident. Make your vision board. Picture it happening, and it will.

Gabriele Oettingen, author of Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation, has a different view. In her research, she found that the people who were most optimistic about finding love were the least likely to find someone. The reason was simple — their “everything will be all right” attitude made them lazy. Positivity without a plan keeps people from reaching their goals.

“I never did anything worth doing by accident, nor did any of my inventions come by accident; they came by work.”— Plato

“Just be yourself.”

Just be your loveable self, and the right person will appreciate your strengths and flaws.

Sure. Sounds reasonable. Everyone should strive toward authenticity. But there is a caveat.

In his research on authenticity, psychologist Adam Grant found that being authentic only worked with those who had already established their credibility as an authority. In other words, people gravitate toward authentic people, but only if they have established themselves as someone worthy of following.

Romance is similar. Just “be yourself” doesn’t work if someone has not signed up for your program yet. It throws off the plot curve.

The second problem with “be yourself” is you don’t have one “self.” You will be a different person in every relationship. So this whole notion of just “be yourself” implies you will know which “self” you will become with this stranger before you.

And do you really want to expose someone to all your madness right from the start? That sounds kind of cruel.

Plato taught that true happiness comes out of one philosophical tenet — know thyself. Instead of focusing all your energy on trying to be your natural and authentic self, focus on first knowing yourself.

Because if you know yourself, you can better warn your partner about all your tricky flaws that might drive them batshit crazy. Never underestimate the power of self-awareness.

“Just be yourself and if it doesn’t work out…then we will know where the problem lies. “ — Strangers with Candy

“Know what you want before you get into a relationship.”

This love advice is like telling someone to learn how to ride a bike by building a bike. Building the bike is not going to teach you how to ride it.

We learn what we want from relationships by being in relationships. Checklists are great if you are grocery shopping but don’t work as well in matters of the heart.

For example, maybe you have written on your checklist that you want someone educated. But intelligence comes in many forms. You might meet someone who doesn’t have a Ph.D., but is a wizard at fixing things (spacial intelligence) or has superior people skills (interpersonal intelligence.)

Plato taught that we are attracted to people who have the qualities we lack. If Plato is right, your checklist is just a list of qualities YOU wish you had. So why not start with yourself first.

Making a checklist might keep you focused on your values, but no one can predict which qualities you will grow to appreciate about someone until you are entwined with the person you will grow to love.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” — Soren Kierkegaard

“The secret to a happy relationship is communication.”

My dad likes to tell the same stories. My mom just nods quietly and says nothing. Sometimes my mom nags my dad to do chores. My dad gets the task done and says nothing. They have been happily married for over 50 years.

“In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”

Sometimes it’s the things you don’t say that matter the most. It’s those silent moments when you want to tell your partner that their loud chomping sounds like they are digesting gravel. But you don’t. Because love is not always communicating. It’s also holding your tongue.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s mother-in-law gave her the same advice on her wedding night. She said, “In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”

If you respect and value your partner, there may be times when you find their opinions unpalatable. And that’s ok. As long as your values remain similar, it is far better to agree to disagree and let the small stuff go. And that requires tolerance, not communication.

Plato taught that people often have power over each other, but true strength comes from never using that power to possess or dominate.

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.” — Plato

“You can’t choose whom you love.”

Ah, yes, you can. Love is a choice. It’s a choice you have to wake up every day and commit to making.

Plato saw a great danger in being a slave to our passions. He leaned toward pragmatic love because that choice of whom to love leads you to a higher purpose beyond sexual gratification and romance.

Another version of this quote is “the heart wants what it wants.”

People in affairs love this one. It gives them justification for hurting others. “I didn’t want to fall in love . . . It just happened.”

Love is not a car crash. It’s a decision to take one path over another and stand by that choice without mourning the loss of the roads you did not take.