Dating : My Friend Was Dating More Than Just An Arsehole.

1. They control conversations, reiterating how prominent they are:

Everything was always about John.. He’d overload you with his accomplishments and success stories. With efforts to show inferiority. It made him feel more notable. He’d do this at my expense, even if it meant using intimidation techniques.

He would interrupt mid-conversation so that he could tyrannize the social scene. Countless times he’d butt in completely irrelevant, it was his attempt to credit himself because he craved for praise and attention.

Dr. Angela Grace a clinical psychologist said — narcissist will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others.

This is a reflection of John, it also felt like every interaction with him was more of a lecture, rather than a conversation.

2. They lack empathy when you need support:

In my opinion, you shouldn’t be dependent on your partner, this is one of the main courses for an unhealthy, failed relationship. Brianna Wiest articulated this well in a story.

Although a fundamental part of any healthy relationship is having support and reassurance from your partner, I think a balance between liberty and support is essential.

I lost count of the times my friend would ring me up after a bad day, pouring out her heart to me about how stressed she was. Or how she was struggling to cope with her emotions. I helped, I listened, I arranged to meet up. But why wasn’t John there for her? Where was the support of her partner?

He should have been the shoulder of support through those difficult times. She used to tell me “I can’t speak to John, he wouldn’t take me seriously”

If your partner can’t understand why you’re emotionally distressed, and he or she is ignorant towards your feelings then this is a common element of narcissism.

3. They’re incapable of apologies:

A narcissist always believes they’re right. John had a strong ego. Admitting he was wrong was detrimental to his ego. Also, It was perspicuous that it threatened his self-esteem.

Narcissists do the opposite of apologizing — they need confrontation and disagreement. Its like fuel to a car, a necessity. There is no room for reasoning or compromising.

I remember when “Sally” (we’ve got to the point where she needs a name, long overdue) went out with her work colleagues one night. She told John that she would be back for roughly 11 am. She got back at 11:40 am. Within that time, she had 12 miss calls and 5 text messages. Psycho maybe?

I won’t get into the details of the unreasonable and disrespectful things he said. Let’s just say she was owed a holiday, but she didn’t even get an apology. Instead, she got the complete opposite — a list of reasons why he deemed his actions to be necessary, which involved a bucket load of insults thrown upon her.

Even writing about this makes me angry!

4. Constant belittling and knocking you and others down:

Narcissists need to feel superior because they’re so egotistic. Anyone else achieving something that they cant threatens their feeling of self-importance.

For me, this is the hardest thing do deal with. One of the worst experiences I’ve encountered was being the victim of Johns’s abnormal behavior. We had a movie night around Sally’s house, unfortunately, John was there too.

Long story short: Sally was congratulating me on my new job role (finally no more weekends or evenings) I was over the moon. John soon piped up: something on the lines of “It’s not exactly a hard job though is it, give me a couple of hours of practice and Id be as good, if not better than you” Wow! What a ****!

He demonstrated similar behaviors in his relationship, I remember when Sally was telling me about a half marathon she completed. She felt so struck back his response: “you should have done a full marathon”

Evidence indicates falsity in their egotistic behavior — it acts as a defensive mechanism to try and demolish an underlying problem. This is often a need for security.

Olivia Remmes wrote in the Independent —

“Narcissists often portray an image of grandiosity or overconfidence to the world, but this is only to cover up deep feelings of insecurity and a fragile self-esteem that is easily bruised by the slightest criticism. Because of these traits, narcissists find themselves in shallow relationships that only serve to satisfy their constant need for attention”

5. Last but not least, they tend to be charming and romantic in the beginning. But it comes with a trap:

He had no problem luring Sally in. She fell for him as a child does for candy. Apparently “he was cute, romantic and gentle in the beginning”. But the novelty soon wore off.

I think this is where narcissists are the most dominant. They can be very seductive, friendly, and seem damn right perfect. But its a whitewash. Sooner or later their true colors will sneak out from under the carpet.

It’s hard to spot this, and in attempts of doing so, you might find yourself being skeptical of every new person who potentially wants to enter your life. And that could be pernicious. Especially when there are plenty of people with good intentions out there.

Unfortunately, It might just be worth building a wall to protect you, not to be cold or emotionless, but rather allowing it to act as a safety blanket. Just in case just bump into an arsehole. Hey, be friendly of course, just be cautious before you let them in.

Professor Preston Ni wrote:

They use charisma to get your attention, flattery to make you feel special, seduction (flirting, gifts, dinners, get-aways, sex, etc.) to lift you off your feet, and persuasion to get you to give them what they want.