Dating : Pro Dating Tip: Manage Expectations and Have Boundaries

Picture the “cool girl” from your high school days. Maybe everyone could count on her to show up to the party and bring the alcohol and weed. Maybe she had some tattoos and piercings, had threesomes from time to time, freed the nip at school, and dropped everything to help you TP your math teacher’s front yard. Her “free-spiritedness” always landed her a boyfriend for the summer and a fling on the weekends.

While there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun in your adolescence, some might say the “cool girl” didn’t have any boundaries. Fast forward to her adult life and she sees the men come and go, because that’s the standard she’s set for herself and the men she bangs. The one-night-stands communicate little to no expectations, so she continues her hookups that never lead to long-term prospects, even if it’s of her own volition.

Now think about a different type of “cool girl.” Whether or not she has tattoos and piercings, drinks or smokes, her confidence speaks volumes. Seeking a long-term relationship with a quality man, she weeds out the assholes and “incompatibles” by laying out some terms, including making it clear when she’s ready to have sex. She has no problem ending the escapade when men don’t comply, narrowing her prospects to only “cool guys” who respect her boundaries. The boundaries and expectations lay the foundation for a rock-solid relationship.

Which “cool girl” more accurately describes your dating life right now? If you’re in a “fling” state of mind, then be okay with never seeing the man (or woman) again after a night of sexy time, or with seeing the person again with no promises of a long-term relationship. If you’re looking for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, then know what you want, be abundantly clear about it, and be okay with eliminating men or women off your island if they don’t work out!

If the time is right and you need help setting dating and relationship boundaries and managing expectations for yourself, then fill out the easy form on this page. I’ll be in touch ASAP.

Holly Shaftel is a climate science writer and editor at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory by day and a relationship coach for anxious and insecure women by night. She’s a Certified Professional Coach and an Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner from the International Coaching Federation and the founder and CEO of relationship coaching service Holly Shaftel, LLC. She suffers from “shiny object syndrome” by having too many hobbies to balance, such as skiing, scuba diving, backpacking, surfing, painting, and 3D origami.