Dating : Self-Gaslighting Took Over My Romantic Relationships

If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.
– Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door

I had never been in love.

When asked about my type I often proclaimed, “I’ll take whoever no one wants,” in a superficial endeavor towards humility that usually left me hollow. My friends praised me for my unique follow-through, emphasizing how I always chose terrible men and how in love I must be for stooping so low.

I ate it up.

In the beginning, each relationship was written by Jane Austen herself. The Independent Boy met an unassuming girl and struck up a secret affair. Over time, the unassuming girl became more and more enamored causing the Independent Boy to fertilize the secrecy of the bond.

“Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

I never risked telling a soul, except my four, most loyal friends, who used the information to tear the dalliance to shreds.

“The fact that he even dared to say that to you.”

“How does it feel knowing he loves video games more than he likes you?”

“Does he have a secret girlfriend or something?”

Their prodding served my temporary awakening. I scoured my thoughts for a morsel of esteem from him, always coming up empty.

When confronted, he answered with an iconic, “I’m just a really disappointing person.” The fear of being unwanted settled in as I rushed to forgive and accept. “I am destined to always be disappointed,” I told myself.

It was a vicious, yet predictable cycle. One I learned to foster with care. Little did I know, I had been gaslighting myself.

Psychologists use the term “gaslighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions. And it’s always a serious problem, according to psychologists.
– Sarah DiGiulio, Better by Today

Self-gaslighting often manifests itself in the form of suppression. Someone says something insensitive or back footed and the initial reaction is suppressed and replaced with a lie or self-blame. The desire to denounce callous comments, usually made in an attempt to invalidate your feelings, rarely outweighs the feeling of inadequacy living on the inside. This can lead to believing false truths about yourself and using those lies to justify your partner’s behavior.

Self-gaslighting became an indulgence I was incapable of shedding. In retrospect, each relationship had been a shallow spurt of time in which my attachment was used as a means to fulfill their fascination. My reality, however, was unlike anything he could have imagined or cultivated the empathy to deal with.

It is important to note, self-gaslighting can manifest within a relationship where a partner is not actively gaslighting the other. It can also be a side effect of being gaslighted. Knowing how to differentiate the two is crucial.

Unlearning self-gaslighting took trudging through an unusually awful relationship where blaming myself became an option my friends no longer allowed me to entertain. It was apparent small lies I had told myself about myself for years had imposed themselves into my relationship.

To be clear, friends should never replace therapists. Certain boundaries exist for a reason. You probably also want to avoid becoming friends with your therapist. However, in a relationship, it can be easy to put blinders up to dismiss the full picture. During those situations, my friends served as gateway indicators, pointing out red flags to unearth the person they once knew.

Together, we unpacked the instances where I had gaslit myself and identified where they originated in my psyche. We then replaced my self-blame with self-affirming phrases:

Self-gaslighting turned into self-education. I began journaling and studying self-affirmation theory. I decided to unburden my friends and get a therapist. And, over time, I was able to unlearn the dirty habit I fed myself on for years. Now I can recognize when I have gaslit myself, identify the source, and oppose the destructive thoughts with self-affirmation.

Mental health is a daily process. There are no “one size fits all” remedies. I haven’t been in a relationship since unlearning self-gaslighting, but I have learned how to care for my mind. I know how to recognize healthy love and practice it towards myself. When my next relationship comes around, there are steps we will have to take to maintain a healthy relationship. However, it’s necessary to carry the work I am doing while single into my next relationship. And I’m still learning. There is so much I don’t know yet about myself.

However, I do know this: Nothing is wrong with me. I am worthy of love. I am enough.