Dating : Single at the end of 2020…. And?

“Pandemic dating” was kind of cute in the beginning. If you were seeing someone you liked, maybe you decided to quarantine together and it became the real deal, when in the old timey days you may have, let’s say, played games and accidentally screwed it up for fear of screwing it up…? Maybe you were seeing someone, and it became clear they weren’t a human you wanted to be with while the world turned upside down. Maybe you were happily single and not dating, and were able to breathe a huge sigh of relief that people would stop asking you about it. You could stay home in peace.

There were drinks over Zoom, sending take-out, swapping recipes, taking cute (naughty) photos to send, writing- like the old days… People were determined to make it work.

I was reminded that everyone’s “single” looks really different. This is something I’ve learned in the past year or so. I realized my point of view was SO narrow: able bodied-straight presenting-white woman in her late 20’s-early 30’s actively dating in New York City. On top of that, a creative who worked in restaurants. As they say, it’s a vibe.

As I became more interested in expanding my single circle, I realized how nuanced everyone’s relationship status is. Like, is my “single” the same as someone who just got a divorce after a 20 year marriage? Is my “single” the same as someone who hasn’t dated or had sex in 10 years, and is OK with that?

Yes because — we all know that feeling. The solitude. The type of quiet that feels like you need an audience to turn to and start a soliloquy. Sometimes the depth of loneliness feels like a never ending well, and you wonder how far it goes. Sometimes it’s the most peace you’ve ever felt. Being alone and feelinging the quiet contentment that you are in fact, enough.

No because — actively dating and not dating are two very different ways of being. I think both can be healing and revealing, and both can allow you to hide. It depends on where you’re at on your journey. There are many people who are very happy and content being on their own. Theirs is a peace I admire. You can rest easy, and just — live your life.

Dating during a global pandemic has presented challenges. During the Summer it felt doable. Things started to open back up, the sun was out, and it seemed everyone was ready for newness. You could Facetime, go on a walk, be outside, and not feel like meeting a stranger was a moral dilemma.

Today New York was hit with its first real snow of the year. It makes me wonder, what are we meant to do? Bundle the fuck up and go on a cold ass hike? Facetime and Zoom for 3–4 months and wait out winter? Say fuck it and go to someone’s house we don’t know?

As a hopeful romantic and advocate for love, my heart aches for anyone wanting that connection and feeling the severe loneliness of these times.

So.. what do we do? Take inventory.

What’s hurting? Giving ourselves a hard time. About literally anything. Not taking care of ourselves mentally or physically- to the best of our capabilities. Sometimes we gotta bite the bullet and do the boring stuff that’s good for us.

What’s helping? Podcasts like A Single Serving and The Blush Podcast have been particularly helpful for relatable content, and laughs. Personally: my morning routine. Not putting myself on a DIET.. Moving my body a lot. Making sure I talk to the people who make things better. Connecting with new people via social media. Reminding myself that this is all temporary (as it all, always is). Uncovering the lessons. Allowing my frustrations, or feelings of rejection and sadness to be a catalyst for my further inquiry to self love and healing.

If you’re reading this and partnered: I empathize! You’ve been around each other A LOT this year. Maybe you’re annoying each other. But if you haven’t broken up this year- your relationship is pretty fucking strong! I applaud you. Relationships take work under “normal” circumstances. Perhaps you’ve been able to spend more quality time together? That sounds lovely. You’re fortunate to have someone to ride this out with. Check on your single friends. They need you!

To my surprise, I’ve encountered many people who have fallen in love this year! Know that this is STILL ON THE TABLE AND POSSIBLE because humans are crazy resilient. I’ve talked to a lot of people who have gone through break ups (somehow less surprising). Who knows if that statistics are normal, or if something is happening. Like, people are realizing what’s important to them, and what they truly need in a partner, and in life.

What we do know, life is continuing, onward. Nothing will ever stop that. We are designed to adapt and find ways to move forward. And that includes Love.

I hope this year has softened our hearts. I hope that we show each other a bit more compassion and grace. Maybe we can be more honest with ourselves about what we want and need. It can be the tiniest thing: “I want to meet someone who makes me laugh” or “I want to spend time with someone who loves the same music as me.” You’re allowed to inch towards the larger vision. You’re also allowed to want company and companionship. You’re allowed to not know what it looks like exactly.

You’re allowed to be frustrated by the circumstances. Lack of physical touch is no joke. Shit, even just going out and having a mediocre conversation was a part of LIFE! Laughing about a bad kisser to your friends! Ah, the memories!

I encourage you to take whatever triggers and irritation you’re feeling by the reigns. Use the fire of frustration to unearth what needs to be healed. What old stories are you still telling yourself about your worthiness, and what you deserve? Don’t be shy. Take this time to dive deep. What are you looking for outside yourself, that may lie within?