Dating : Swiping Left on Misogyny

Abuse and harassment on dating apps

There is undeniable beauty in online dating.

Say, you are a busy single mum of three, working a couple of jobs, managing your kids, striving to make ends meet, trying to follow your passion — for me that is writing and finding a way to other people through the power of words. You don’t have much time, let alone me-time, let alone date-time. Your friends are all younger, spontaneous, and partying; or same age and having hard times to manage their own lives, kids, family, having relationship issues with their husbands and wives. You are supposed to be self-sufficient, confident, and a one-man-show in every sense. And still, you crave intimacy, and you need attention and affection. What do you do? You sign up for a dating app, right? What else?

Online dating is a blessing or a curse, depending on how you choose to look at it.

I have a hard time deciding if I hate it or love it — for reasons that are known to every single person who ever tried finding love, connections or even just a hookup on an online app.

After ten months of dating app abstinence, I decided finally to get back on it. After all, what could go wrong, we’re all adults here. It’s just an app, we don’t need to take it too seriously, yet it can still bring some unexpected surprises, we might even find someone interesting, we might even find love.

It started out fine. I put out an honest profile description, stating I am looking for more than a one night stand but also saying that sex and talks and connection is essential. Nothing spectacular, but not too boring either.

The first guy who messaged me almost made me delete the app, but I decided that he cannot ruin it for me. He started by offering to give me an advice. He told me I shouldn’t swipe right on such handsome guys like he was, as they will only want to fuck me, and that’s all I can expect. Whoa. I was baffled. I replied that I thought that handsomeness and decency weren’t exclusive to each other, but okay, fine by me. His reply was more than rude: “okay, now you are angry because you are ugly”.

Whoa. I didn’t even have time to reply something witty, and he unmatched me. I didn’t get his rudeness at all, but I wasn’t going to let him ruin all the other opportunities to meet someone. Well, fine. Good riddance.

The other next one I was getting in a more in-depth conversation with seemed to be kind. He was an Austrian guy — that’s where I work two days a week, so I thought it would be just honest to say that I am not living there permanently and this limits my options in dating too. We agreed early on about wanting something casual, and he needed to state that he was dominant in sex. Okay, fine, I’m not judgmental, and I am not against sexual powerplays either. We chatted for a day, and he was okay, nice, interested and sort of interesting.

And suddenly it took an unexpected turn.

First, he called me chubby. Okay, fine, I am not the skinny supermodel type with my ribs showing, but still, I am not sure that any reference to my weight needs to be pointed out. First red flag. I let it go.

He asked me what I did for a living. I told him I was a marketing consultant. His answer was: booooo, marketing is boring, overrated, overpaid, and total bullshit. Whoa. Second red flag…

Then he asked me to send a nude, that I politely refused.

He told me that he had already said he was dominant sexually, so I should just do as he asked. I replied that in my books, sexual dominance doesn’t mean he gets to control me out of the bedroom — that we never visited together anyway.

It put him in a bad mood, so to say. In five minutes, the whole conversation went totally south to my utter disbelief.

At this point, there were no more individual signs to notice — it was a whole universe consisting of nothing but burning red flags.

He told me that as a woman, my only job in this world is to be beautiful and obedient, pleasing men.

I replied I am way too feminist to listen to this, and this is not really going anywhere this way.

Then he told me I am a liar, as I can’t be forty, I look a lot older — and I should just embrace my age and stop leading on men for the sake of getting laid. I was speechless at this point.

Finally, when he didn’t get any reply to his insults, he told me I am just like all the others, another Eastern-European whore, who thinks way out of her league and I should be happy that anyone is even taking interest in talking to me. He wrote:

“You are just a Hungarian slut, just like all women in your country. We opened our borders for you and your mothers, who flooded our countries and gave head for a buck.”

Finally, I snapped out of my shock and blocked him on every possible surface.