Dating : The Beautiful Mistakes I Learned from My Four Years of Love Adventures

It was great at the beginning until I faced problem I didn’t want to solve.

Having problems in relationship are common but not to discuss it is a mistake.

My first dating experience was with a guy I met at the University, simply say we were a campus couple. I dated him for a couple of months thinking serious about it meanwhile him, later I know he always on his own mind. Relationship takes two people to make it work, sometimes one of us just being a jerk or we were both just being different in reaching moment. In the beginning we were so much lovey-dovey but then we faced some problems that only reached to “I am sorry” and “Okay, let’s not talk about it now” conclusion. Honestly those words are the only words I wanted to hear from him, didn’t realize it that I actually the one who didn’t want the problem to be solved. He was never glad to share his burden and I satisfied only with the apologetic poem he made. I knew what’s wrong with us, but to think that I should talk about it with him made me become the selfish one. I didn’t want to look desperately intervened into his concern so I pulled myself from his burden. That time I thought that I was being considerate and respect toward him but later the problem influenced the way we think about each other. We lost trust and deepness leading eventually to break up. Few months after that, I took a time to think about what could be wrong with us that time. Those times I was only thinking about him being jerk by dumping me and ran, but actually I realized that I partly wrong. I was being clingy and demanding “Just say those magical words and we will be okay again” I was wrong to not wanting to solve the problem and instead asking him to run away from it, I led him to the downfall of our relationship. He might be realized it sooner than I was and left me while I was still being clingy to him.

Having an opposite character might be benefiting but not with having different mind.

“I like him because he’s different with me” might not makes the relationship work in some aspect.

I once dated a guy who completely share different histories with me, it was great as I could know more about him and his like but it wasn’t last for long. I thought our relationship would become more enjoyable and colorful with it but the wrong takes on our minds. Do you ever meet a person who has different character with you but sharing the same dream or interest? You might have and we all have but with this guy it wasn’t like that. He took me to some interesting things that I might like, he introduced me to new world I have never been to, I thought it was good as I could explored and find the ‘new me’ I tried so hard to fitted into his surroundings but I took it too far. He and I shared different dream that could not be supported with different mind, he loves to be loved by many people and I love to be loved only by certain people that I do love. His mind is always on the go while my mind always looks for comfort. Our character isn’t so much different but our mind completely on another sides. Having a lover who share some-like minds definitely would benefit more into long term relationship, it helps both to understand better. We can be into someone whose having opposite character with us, like I like to do anything fast and my husband always takes his time to observed first, but we could not fall into someone who is completely on different way of thinking because our thoughts are always reflected on every decision we makes including in the relationship.

I thought I was right but I was just being selfish.

You think you really right on this matter or you just ignore the possible truth that might be coming ahead?

I didn’t realize that I was being a girl who-knows-everything-right-for-us in relationship until I met my husband. He told me without being offended to me that I was forcing my thoughts on him and that he sad he couldn’t express his disappointment without being told that it wasn’t cool. In my past relationships, I was so confident that I was being logical and the wise one. I ended up lecturing my then-boyfriends on what’s wrong and what’s right for us, I listened to them but that just to justify that my opinions was right, I gave reason to my worries, over-protective behavior and situations with some language plays and logical premises that ended up to “please understand me better because I’ve been through this…” and it would works for them to acknowledge that I was right. Was I right? Now I can say NO I was just being selfish. My past hurting relationship shouldn’t make me to be more understood by them, it should be me who learned to accept and overcome it. I didn’t let them to express their disappointments and anger towards my behavior just because they should understand me more, I thought that disappointment and anger are equal to being disrespectful towards relationship. It is wrong, the belief I had then was wrong and I forced it to them, I just simply ignored that they must be have their reason to be disappoint at me and their reason wasn’t petty and that it should be take into accounts.

I kept searched for love but never tried to love myself.

When I was busy looking for the right guy I was getting farther to myself.

My mom said if I keep looking for love I would not find it and it turned out to be true later. If I failed with this guy I moved on fast (the longest was 3 months keeping away from men) and looked for another chance to meet others. I couldn’t count how many men I met in four years but definitely more than ten, I never met them through acquaintances but online because I like to keep my romance life private. Sure I didn’t date all of them but we were all in romantic relationship and once I date men I didn’t two timing the other. I had that natural need to be with men, to be loved and taken care of so I always fell for those men who can fill that role well. I thought what would makes me happy always coming up from the outside, and my job is to look for the source out there. On one night, after spent those years looking for something what this and that guy can do to contribute to make my life better, I feel exhausted and suddenly cried so hard. I realized that happiness wouldn’t come up from the outside, that nobody will give perfect satisfaction to other, that everyone is too busy to take care of other’s mental status. As I remember again my mom’s saying I started to end contact with almost of the men I met and try to focus on myself; keeping myself busy with work, spend more time with family which was I abandoned a lot, and took a rest from social media. The more time I spent to care myself, the more I know how to keep it enjoyable and the more I realized how much I can love myself.

Hoping for more was restrained myself from enjoying the moment.

I thought every romance should have an happy ending..

I mean who wasn’t hope for their relationship go with the way they want? We would be lying to not expect it but I was to blind to believed on them. No matter how many times I failed with my relationship I was still believed that maybe this time with this gut it will work out so I shouldn’t have my hope low and it led me being delusion to myself. I was always calculating every step I took, every little I gave, every second I spent hoping that all of my efforts should be mean something great in the future. Because of that I missed the joy in my relationship and then I know that I wasn’t never truly love my other, I was just using him for my need.

And now that I think about it again,

All of my relationships that I’ve been to was never caused of my blindness of seeing someone instead of my blindness of seeing myself before them. It is important to think about our own happiness but it should come from an healthy mind of the individuals who run the relationship. And if you do realize that you also into the same mistakes as I was before, then it’s time to take a time to talk to yourself and look for the solution with your partner.