Dating : The First Sign of Trouble

The cruelty of the joke knocks the breath from my body.

It is only when I realize it is a joke that I feel my body has clenched, my heart is fluttering. The relief of the lie is dizzying and I laugh, until I remember that only half of it was a joke. The other half is real, and my throat constricts. The fear and relief and confusion is too much, I am moments from tears, but it is still light out, we have to pay the check, there is a birthday party in the booth over.

I remember that this is the real world and I do not cry.

I finally look at you and I have a wild desire to kiss you that I do not understand.

I realize you have been cruel all night. You were cruel to the waiter, cruel about the food, cruel to lie like that. You pressed the subject but now you’ve made your joke and you are content to return to small talk.

In the car, you chastise me when it takes me too long to get into the left lane. I think I am driving pretty well, considering the pounding in my head.

We walk the three flights to your room. It is unbearably hot up there. I can hear the music from the bar across the street.

You are on my left side on the futon and I am thinking about how I wore this dress for the first time and maybe it will be the last time because I don’t want to remember how bad this feels.

Now I am crying and you do not seem to understand why. You ask me to change you and I do not know if I can do it, or if I should.

When we wake in the morning I think that I cannot stay here. I am holding you to me because I think that I cannot stay here. You know what I am thinking so you put your weight on me. But you don’t say anything. You just kiss me and tell me you’ll miss me and go to work.

You retreat to the woods where you have to work and sit and wait and work more. You aren’t allowed to leave and I’m not allowed to visit because I’m not your wife and I’m not your girlfriend and I don’t know your family and we live separate lives.

I think to myself that people have broken up for less. You are gone for two weeks and it’s a good enough excuse.

But you come back.

You come back.

And you say it’s worth trying.