Dating : The Simplest Technique For Deeper Relationships

Let’s pick up where we left off, deciding between an after-dinner binge of Tiger King or a relaxed conversation with your loved one. Imagine, for tonight, you chose the conversation.

The setting is integral. Let’s say you both agree to put away all devices. Then you sit down across from each other and spend 15–30 minutes asking, and answering, questions like:

“What was your favorite part of the day?”

“How was your lunch meeting?”

“What’s happening with that big project?”

“Where did you and the kids go this morning?”

“Who’s contacted you about that proposal?”

“How do you feel about the potential promotion next month?”

“What kind of weekend are you hoping to have?”

“How do you want to celebrate our anniversary this year?”

These are open-ended questions that warrant more than a mere “yes” or “no” response. Hopefully, you and your partner will feel invited to elaborate and give more detailed accounts to one another. You will also have to think about what you say. You will reflect on your respective days with a critical lens, or evaluate your emotions with regards to the future, and come up with a substantive answer.

Such an answer will help deepen your understanding of the other’s experience. This type of questioning also communicates curiosity, showing that your loved one is more interesting to you than that next episode of Tiger King.

(Not to say that watching Tiger King together can’t deepen your relationship but on the overall “relationship enhancing” ladder, let’s assume Tiger King is on the rung below “connecting with your partner”.)

While the technique of asking open-ended questions is simple, it comes with parameters for it to work. You must stay engaged during the conversation. You have to listen, you must maintain in contact with your partner (that means don’t sneak a single phone scroll!), and you ought to be genuine.

If you can’t focus on your partner’s sharing, then maybe you are someone who needs to decompress from the day alone before connecting with others. Perhaps there is a solitary activity you need, first, before you’re able to be fully present for your partner. And that is ok too! Just figure out what works for both of you. Every couple is unique.

The most important part of this practice is the quality and curiosity of the open-ended questions asked and your genuine interest in the answer. So ask questions that expand the conversation rather than narrow it:

“How does it feel when…?”

“What are you looking forward to …?”

“When are you planning to….?”

“Who did you go with…?”

“What was the worst decision you made…?”

“Tell me about…”

“Describe…”

Don’t limit your questions to past events either, in fact, sometimes the juiciest details are about your partner’s dreams of the future! This engages imagination and creativity, and also helps to weave your visions of life together.

Also, it’s important to honor what is happening in the present moment. So, particularly if you sense your partner has had a rough day, show your concern for current mood and thoughts by using open-ended questions about what’s currently happening:

“What emotions are you presently experiencing?”

“How does your body feel right now?”

“When did you start feeling this way?”

The pressures of modern life are epic, but solid relationships can help everyone maintain sanity through all of these demands.

Be aware this practice may be a tad vulnerable at first if you don’t often engage with your sweetie in this way. Allow yourself the time to feel awkward and clunky. And then keep going anyway!

Try to carve out 15–30 minutes each day and fill that time with open-ended questions to craft an authentic inquiry into your partner’s life. My guess is that your relationship will be on it’s way to new depths in no time.