Dating : The single biggest mistake I made while looking for a dominant partner

My interest in kink and power play in relationships started many years ago. Through exploration with my husband and others it has evolved from kinky sex within my marriage to play within our local kink community and, most recently, searching for a relationship based on domination and submission (D/s). My very strong inclination to be submissive in such a relationship has grown out of various experiences in my lifetime and I take pride in my strength and determination in a submissive role. However, to date, I have struggled to find a dominant who has been a good match for me and has been able to meet my needs as a sub.

At first I thought the problem was me. My self esteem wasn’t great and each time a prospective partner offered physical fun but refused or reneged on the connection and intimacy I was looking for, I became more convinced that there was something wrong with me. I was the common denominator, but despite my searching I couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong. I was very clear up front about what I was looking for and my limits. I communicated clearly and all importantly, did as I was told.

It is well known amongst the kink community, that there are a lot of men who, having seen popular films depicting BDSM and a bit of porn, figure they know what makes a “dominant”. Unfortunately, these are more often than not, excellent examples of how not to treat a submissive and rarely show the amount of communication and care that goes into a good D/s dynamic. These ‘fake doms’ at best, leave a wake of women feeling hurt and used (myself included), and at worst, can end up causing real physical and emotional harm because they simply don’t have the knowledge required to play safely in the BDSM world. I could see that a number of the men I met would fit into this category. I assumed the issue was actually a lack of well educated dominant men, and to a significant degree, I was correct.

I met a lot of men who could not reconcile a D/s relationship where feelings might develop and had strict rules that feelings were not allowed. I chose not to persue anything with these men.

I also met a handful of men who seemed to understand and appreciate what I was looking for and felt like they could offer me what I wanted. These relationships seemed to start in a frenzied blaze of excitement, were thrilling and took much of my energy and focus. I very quickly accepted the submissive role and followed his lead, until all of a sudden he couldn’t cope with my emotional needs that came along with the submission and he vanished.

Then, there were also a few men who really seemed to get it. We clicked, and very quickly I would willingly submit and follow his lead. We would get to know each other to the point where I was comfortable and could trust him, which was exactly where I needed to be. Then, my desire to submit would evaporate, leaving me with an intimate friendship at best. I couldn’t get my head around this contradiction.

Examining these relationships, I realised the common denominator WAS me! I thought I was communicating effectively, but I was forgetting one very, very important point that I wasn’t sharing with my potential partners. I wasn’t upholding my boundaries around my level of comfort with how things were progressing and what I needed to feel safe.

I had become so focused on what I was looking for, as soon as someone showed me that they may be able to offer it to me, any boundaries around my comfort and emotional needs seemed to dissolve to a point where I was only upholding them if I felt it didn’t risk the potential relationship. This led me to lower my value and power in the relationship in order for me to submit as they wanted me to, which resulted in me getting hurt and feeling used. When that didn’t happen and the relationship did develop, I would lose the desire to submit as resentment set in due to the ongoing imbalance in the relationship.

While I have encountered a number of men who have not treated me well, I now understand that I was scared to set and uphold boundaries because I didn’t want to lose the dynamic. What I was actually doing was settling for something less than I wanted or deserved, avoiding my responsibility to communicate honestly, and setting myself up for failure and heartbreak in the process.

I thought being submissive was about giving up control, making myself small and subservient, but actually, it is about communicating honestly and clearly so I can find someone with the strength and willingness to lead me, exactly as I am. Someone who will make me feel safe and cared for, who I respect enough to LET him lead me. Someone who encourages me to have difficult conversations about boundaries and discomfort, and most importantly, is patient with me when I need time to adjust to something new, either within the relationship or in other areas of my life.

Finally I understand the importance of boundaries. Putting them in place doesn’t mean I’m risking what I’m looking for. Putting boundaries in place is essential for me to find what I’m looking for, and to protect myself from ‘fake doms’ in the process.