Dating : thirty-one, single and considering a sperm donor

After 30, talk of motherhood can elicit a unique vulnerability in otherwise luminous, self-assured, single women. In my case, an innocent nod stirs up feelings of joyous aspiration, followed by self-judgment & acute anxiety. Internal investigations about sex, timing & fertility, interracial dating, and of course, marriage, compounded with painful memories of relationships past speak directly to my title.

Despite my state of lonesome, and the societal marginalization of Black single mothers, I actually have a vested interest in the idea of going it alone. After identifying with Rihanna’s brave perspective on becoming a mom in British Vogue (May 2020), I found myself seriously questioning the superimposed mission of finding a life partner, ‘unconditional love’ and the false equivalency it has with romantic relationships. I came to the conclusion that if love unconditional is what I truly seek, then based on my experiences, that of a child seems far more authentic. The very real possibility of unhealthy attachment and co-dependency both considered and nullified in one fell swoop, I found myself thoughtfully browsing the internet in search of a melanated, healthy, attractive-on-paper donor for my cause.

Full Disclosure: I consider myself a sharp, forward thinking individual, this exercise proving just that- the process of shopping for an anonymous baby daddy felt clever, and beautifully rebellious. After a few clicks, behold: a cryo-bank in sunny California presents candidates à la carte, with robust bios + height and family history.

A breathe of fresh air- the option to circumvent the trouble of interacting with time-wasting men folk, and take matters into my own hands. Hmm…this was easier than I had imagined. On the flip side, pregnancy remiss the act of intimacy, preparation and planning with a like-minded guy seems treacherous, among other things. Do all relationship challenged, single women over 30 make decisions like these over a coffee table read, or am I trippin’?