Dating : To Stacy

It’s still hard for me to believe that I’m writing this about a girl I met on Tinder. I think it’s even harder for me to believe that I’m feeling the emotions I am/felt the emotion I felt over someone. It’s honestly been so long since I’ve let myself succumb to these feelings willingly and I’m upset, angry, disappointed, furious, sad, depressed, and absolutely distraught that it ended the way it did.

When we first started talking on Tinder, I thought this was going to end up one of two ways all conversations on that app tend to go: A) you ghost me or B) we hook up once and I never hear from you again. I didn’t realize that option C) I fall for you and then you leave me hanging, was an option that was on the table. Those 7 weeks we spent talking online was torture for me. On one hand, I knew that meeting up would be unlikely since you were visiting family back home and wouldn’t be local for some time. I also didn’t want to potentially expose either of us and your family to COVID. But everyday we spent talking, the more I felt myself wanting to tell you things I hadn’t voiced in years. The more I talked to you, the more I had to restrain myself from opening up to you. Every time you left me on read — only to respond hours, even days, later with a “sorry, busy week” excuse — I felt my brain running hot restraining my heart from running off the tracks, thinking you had ghosted me.

Somewhere along these daily conversations I started to relent and I found myself opening up to you. You might disagree fervently with me — in fact I know you will — but for me, everything I willingly told you was the most I had ever told anyone since the winter of 2016. My closest friends don’t even small details like know my given name, or my birthday. But I told you both and more. I wanted to tell you even more. I wanted to tell you about my parents, about how I grew up, and about how distant I felt from my family and my friends.

I let myself open up to you, and I ended up feeling betrayed.

I felt myself wanting to know more about you and your family every time you mentioned your brothers or how close you were to your mom. I found it hilarious that you still didn’t know how to drive being in your 20’s and I even tolerated how into astrology and Costar you were, because that was another part of you I would get to explore.

Finally being able to talk to you in person was the icing on the cake. I found myself latching onto every word you said and with every new detail you revealed about yourself, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into you.

As we started talking more and more, you brought up that you only wanted to date seriously. I appreciated the warning, but what I appreciated even more was that you were anticipating this to be a somewhat long term relationship.

So why did you end things the way you did?

That night we ended up at your place and I made it clear that I didn’t want to sleep with you yet, you told me that that guys were usually in a hurry to “rip your clothes off” and that I was different and you “trust me.”

In that moment, I didn’t want to let you go.

***

I remember on one particular day, I had asked you if you were seeing anyone else. You said you were talking to other people, but you weren’t seeing anyone.When you asked me the same question, I hesitated to respond. I told you the half truth, and said I was seeing someone.

“Are you hooking up with her?”

I told you I wasn’t, but you saw through my lies.

We didn’t speak for 5 days after that.

You broke the radio silence with a “Sorry — I swear I’m not ghosting you, I’ve been busy” text and I asked if we could hop on a FaceTime, since I missed hearing you talk. 2 days later you hit me with this:
“This is too much for me! I’m not ready for a relationship.” But the last line you wrote me left a hole in my heart.

“I’m sorry if I led you on.”

You did lead me on. You opened up to me, and I opened up to you. We spoke everyday for months. We kept a “list” of places we were going to go once COVID was over. We talked about what would happen when you went away to grad school next year.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. But I’m grateful that we met and I’m grateful for every conversation we ever had. After 4 years of shutting myself off from romantic relationships after a very toxic and nasty breakup, meeting you opened up a part of me that I hadn’t been in touch with in a while. I realized that I wanted to open up to people, and I wanted to feel a genuine connection with others. I’m sad that I wasn’t able to form something profound with you, but I came out of this knowing myself better, and for that I have nothing but thanks to give to you.

I hope you finally got a car — this city is a bitch if you can’t drive yourself places — and I hope your grad school applications are going smoothly. See you around.