Dating : Today Is Share Your Porn Collection From High School Wednesday (I Just Made That Up So I Could…

To Note: Watching these is a trauma you will not recover from because it’s like accidentally walking in on someone else’s parents in the hot tub with another one of your friend’s parents and they are definitely into some things that you weren’t even aware existed. I’m just kidding these are actually really boring, hilarious, and awkward which is probably why I am single in my late thirties. Because I understand that repels people and I live in the Midwest and I don’t want to get stuck with one of these corn husking freaks.

Anyway, pictured above you will find two DVD’s and a VHS that I saved some of my paychecks from working in Home Fashions at Sears Roebuck and Co. at Northpark Mall in High School (when I wasn’t working at Pocket Change Park) to purchase from one of the inserts that came in those Publisher’s Clearing House “Win One Billion Dollars A Week For Life” mailers.

I entered those sweepstakes every single time they came in the mail because the second I won I would have freedom from my mom’s house.

Also, I definitely need to mention here that by “saved some of my paycheck from working in Home Fashions at Sears Roebuck and Co. at Northpark Mall in High School (when I wasn’t working at Pocket Change Park) to purchase” I absolutely mean “took out a credit card at Sears and bought stuff to return for cash to then put on a reloadable card to then use to purchase”.

Ah yes, where my sexual inexperience would last briefly into college (unless something happened that I’m unaware of in high school other than the one trampoline hand job which I truly find surprising would warrant the nickname “Whorin’ Lauren” considering there was a girl in our class with five children. FIVE.), my money laundering expertise started blossoming early because I was unaware that if you just learn healthy financial habits and plan ahead you can save yourself a tremendous amount of grief.

Some people are not privy to such information at home.

Anyway, even though I was a tremendous dork in high school, I still managed to end up a few possibly unsavory places at times simply because people thought I was funny or could do a weird thing they thought was cool. If I was occasionally going to be accepted by the cool kids, I better learn about sex from these Publisher’s Clearing House videos. My mom showed me one science video about puberty and drew a picture of Fallopian tubes and showed it to me like a Rorschach test once. I needed to figure this all out somehow.

I also thought maybe at some point a boy would like me due to one or several of those reasons, however, I had some issues getting out from underneath my extremely strict man-hating mother (I don’t blame her, sort of? My dad is an asshole, and with their forces combined I think we’re working with a combined IQ of about 48, but I cannot be sure) and friends who held on ✨a bit ✨ too tightly.

Also, in the looks department? I was, how can I say this, not-the-most-desirable.