h2>Dating : Tow Pillars of Love. Why couples need to be separated to become more close
NOTE: The intention of sharing my relationship as an example is simply to bring an example. This is not me complaining about my life, this is me sharing it. Some will resonate others will not and that is okay.
Recently I and my husband really got tired of each other and being together 24/7.
That is totally normal. Here is why;
For the past year, we have been traveling with a van and with a 3-year-old. Plus we don’t have our family here in the US so we can’t leave him with anyone for not even an hour. Also when you travel and move a lot you don’t have a lot of friends. And even before traveling, for the past 4 years me being a stay at home mom and him being unhappily employed, we hang out with each other 95% of the time. Because having a child without outside help, makes a couple dependent on each other.
Living together in a small space isn’t a problem itself. You can still do whatever you want and vice versa your partner can do the same. The hard part is being in a small space with a toddler. Having a small child forces you to be dependent on your partner.
To be honest, our son is a very good child, but he’s still a toddler and needs constant attention, energy, presence, interaction. All that takes up energy and mental space. At this point, we are both very tired and none of us has the energy to stay with our son alone. Because here’s the truth we don’t want to. We don’t want to find the energy, because it gets drained from us. The reason is that we want to do so many more things outside our family. And I know so many people with kids can resonate with that. You want to go out with a friend after work or have fun on the weekend. But you need to be home with kids and help your partner or help each other.
We are very open and always try to communicate with each other. I was telling him that I miss, missing him.
As much as being close is important and having quality time together, I firmly believe that the couple needs space in between them. Esther Perel Said “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” This is truly a paradox, but it’s true. We need to be together as much as we need to be separated. But there should be a balance between those two. There should be a perfect amount of both in the relationship. Not too separated because we have a saying in my country “If eye gets further from an eye, the heart also gets further from a heart”. Not too close because that way your relationship just becomes boring.
There is another factor. If I and my husband could have left our son with my mom and traveled without him, things would have been different. Even though we would have been in the same small van, even if we have been together 24/7 things would have been easier. Because we would still have change happening in our lives, we would have been seeing new places every single day and that would bring excitement into our relationship. We could have watched a movie, meditate, read, walk, sleep whenever we wanted. Because we are traveling with the kid means that you get 3 hours a day. 2 hours during the day when he naps and 1 hour after he sleeps at night. And the truth is that at that time you are too exhausted to do anything.
Having a change is a must. Relationships take work. As often as you can, as hard as possible, as long as you both live. So many relationships could have and should have worked if they did just a little bit more work. If they had spent more effort improving themselves rather than trying to change their partners. If they had more compassion, patience, and willingness for their love to thrive.
It’s a myth that you find THE ONE and everything works perfectly. The myth is the part where you think that THE ONE shouldn’t take so much work and time and effort if it’s “Truly THE ONE”. In fact, when you do find YOUR PERSON it takes even more work and effort to maintain that gift from the universe.
My mom would always say that getting married is easy, maintaining it is the real challenge. I never understood what she was saying until I myself got married.
If you don’t have the habit of improving and growing your relationship as much as you can, as often as possible, if you don’t have a habit of taking care of relationships and making it a priority things will crumble. Every time you make the wrong choice you will be one step closer to divorce or ruining the relationship. Because first there is a little crack and as time goes by crack becomes a hole and it gets harder and harder to fill it up.
What is that your relationship needs now, today? What steps can you take to improve your relationship? What is it that if you keep doing it will ruin your relationship with your partner? Is it your unhealthy words, actions, reactivity, not being enough with your family, or spending too much time with them, your drinking problem, or that you don’t control your emotions? Is it because you always blame your partner and never take responsibility or because you are always complaining? It can be so many things. Find out what your relationship needs more of and start doing it. Most importantly do it consistently.
Consistency is key. People do something once or for a day. Of course, then nothing changes and they go back to old unhealthy habits. You need to be consistent in your relationships if you want anything to work.
Do whatever you need to help your relationship thrive. Because you might live with your partner for 50 years and hate him or her. The goal here is to be in a thriving, growing, healthy, happy relationship. The goal is for good days to be more than bad days. Perfection doesn’t exist. Some periods of relationship you might have to do more at other times your partner will be one “saving” it. Sometimes you both will be into it and there will be a period of calm before the storm. What shouldn’t happen is both of you to stop trying and be “out of it”, if that happens things will fall apart.
There is always a solution there is always the time and space for change. If you have the willingness to do so.
PS. I and hubby also found a short-term solution, before we figure out the long term one. Do you know how they say Happy Wife, Happy Life?! Well, my husband learned that lesson very well and gave me 4 nights alone( I know that’s everyone’s dream as a mom yes?!). Look there is always a way, you just need to find it.
