Dating : This makes no sense to me, wanting to change someone to suit your desired image of a partner… if we…

This makes no sense to me, wanting to change someone to suit your desired image of a partner… if we are showing up as our authentic selves in a relationship, no one should have to give up on their dreams. If you are willing to love and accept your partner for who they are, that should include embracing and supporting their dreams as part of what makes them whole and unique.

Frankly, I’ve been fortunate that I have never been in a situation where someone else has tried to change me. Now that I am 53 and single, with plenty of experience in the relationship department, I can say honestly that one can avoid those situations starting with the first date. If you can already sense some incongruity, I would say that is a red flag to not get too attached.

One time, before I married and had children, well into my teaching career, I went on a date with a nice-looking, well-to-do contractor. The one statement that was very off-putting was when he mentioned that whomever he married, she would have to stay home with their children and put her career on hold for them. Needless to say, that was the first and last date. Although it would have been nice to have been married to a successful, handsome businessman, that was not something that I felt was worth trading in years of hard work and the future goals in my career.

I ended up marrying a few years later and had my daughters at age 33 and 35. When they were very young, I taught part-time, but as soon as they were of school age, they attended the same schools where I taught. It was a wonderful experience and I would never have traded that for anything. I was very lucky to be a part of their lives as I was working full-time in my chosen career.

On the other end of the spectrum, I am now dating someone who travels extensively for his job and he loves it immensely. I also hold the opinion that men and their identities are tightly interwoven into their chosen profession. While he has had girlfriends in the past complain, “I hate your job because you’re always gone for weeks at a time”, I have always maintained and supported the fact that I believe he has a very cool career with unique opportunities to visit and discover new places across the country. Because his job is closely affiliated with the EPA, he gets to work in areas with stunning views of nature — he is also a camper and avid hiker, so it is very much a lifestyle that suits his personality. That is not to say that I do not miss him immensely when he is gone, yet we do make time for each other. When he comes home for a few days to check into the office, he is a fixture at my place. If he has a gig that runs more than a month, I make an effort to fly out and visit. (That is a bonus for me as I travel much more than I used to and have grown fond of hiking as well.) I can’t even imagine what our lives would look like if he were home 24/7. The distance gives us time to grow independently, and at the same time, creates a healthy longing and excitement when we reunite. We have been doing this for almost 2 years and have grown in many ways because of our situation. I am so happy that I allowed myself to be open to accepting this wonderful man in my life. Although it isn’t always easy, I would never dream of changing him and what he does in any way.