Dating : Trust and the CEN Child

A few years ago I realized I suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect, or CEN. The purpose of this article is not to teach you all about CEN, but to discuss one aspect of it that I’m having difficulty with right now.

Trust.

Neglect being what it is, I learned not to trust my parents too much. By this I mean words were not often backed up by actions. I also could not trust them with my feelings, because they had no idea how to help me sort through them. I couldn’t trust them to guide me through life. If today’s kids suffer from helicopter parents, let’s say I was dropped out of the helicopter onto a mountain top to fend for myself.

Being raised in such a manner has made me self-reliant, which isn’t a bad thing. But it’s also prohibits me from fully trusting anyone. And I mean anyone. My (former) spouse, my bosses, my coworkers, my friends, my current significant other. It doesn’t matter. I can’t make myself completely helpless in the hands of another.

It’s the romantic relationships that have suffered the greatest impact. I can’t allow myself to trust enough to be vulnerable. Without that, true, deep love cannot exist. No matter how much one may desire it.

From the outset of a relationship I’m keeping the emergency exit in sight. I am hyperalert, like a car’s computer scanning all working systems hundreds of times a minute, looking for the slightest hint that something is wrong. And of course when you’re doing that you’re going to find something.

When I do find something amiss I’m mentally, if not physically, making my way to the exit. At 49, with multiple relationship failures, there is little tolerance for trying to work through something. It’s “nope, this ain’t for me. Peace out!”

It goes back to the trust thing. I just see yet another person who can’t be trusted. Someone who can’t provide me with a secure environment. Someone who places me in danger, real or emotional.

Just like my parents did.

The intellectual within me knows that this is irrational. I know some people can be trusted. I also know that some people deserve not only a second chance, but also my devotion to them to work through issues we may have. But it seems that is not how it works with me.

Sorry, but I don’t have any answers for you. Perhaps you can look up Dr. Jonice Webb, who literally wrote the book on CEN. She, or another therapist who works with CEN patients might be able to help.

The best I can do at the moment is maybe help you to recognize that your own lack of trust has origins in a neglected childhood. If this fits you, I urge you to do research and seek help.

All the best to you.