Dating : Using Cold Approach To Build Authentic Self-Esteem

From the initial birth of the “pickup” community, cold approach became the most popular vehicle for men to meet and seduce women beyond the limitations of their own social circles. For many years, cold approach was simply used as a way to practice pickup techniques, systems, lines, and routines for guys to try and get laid with women they never believed they’d ever have a shot with otherwise. Men were given strategies to overcome “approach anxiety”, a process to say the “right thing” at the “right time”, and provided a myriad of other techniques to get you from hello to the bedroom. I was one of these men for many years.

Unfortunately, none of this built real self-esteem for most men (including me). In fact, many organizations in the pickup community have stated that over 80% of guys end up quitting on their journey within 1 year. There are several reasons why, but the most common underlying ones that lead to this type of burn out are:

1. The above strategies builds a “pickup artist” persona that reinforces a detrimental message — that you aren’t good enough to have women in your life without using “pickup” to get them
2. The actual core limiting beliefs, emotions, and behavior patterns of the person are rarely being addressed and processed out as a result of building this persona
3. Sex or lay-count (# of sexual partners) becomes the only marker of “success” rather than being authentic, expressing yourself fully, and embodying intrinsic values that allow your masculinity to blossom (integrity, honest expression, curiosity, etc)
4. It takes significantly higher amounts of energy and effort to perform pickup rather than be yourself
5. Women are intuitive and can tell when you’re performing, so it doesn’t really work that well for most men unless your emotions and who you’re being are congruent

This isn’t a knock on cold approach itself, but more so on the limited application most coaches are using it to teach their students. Cold approach is actually one of the most potent ways to develop real self-esteem, deep inner confidence of self, grounded masculinity, and self-awareness. In its current application it is being used as a means to an end — to get laid. (As a side note, sex is awesome, natural, and it’s completely normal to express your sexual desires)

But what if you used it for something deeper? Cold approaching a woman we feel attraction for does something amazing to most of us men. It brings out our deepest insecurities, stirs up our emotions, and rattles our egos. The door of our subconscious mind opens up to us along with the tension that comes along with it. You gain deep awareness into your behaviors, defense mechanisms, and core beliefs. By stirring up all of these tensions in our body and mind, we get a special opportunity to observe the patterns that govern our behaviors, see the parts of ourselves that we hide from, and allow ourselves to vulnerably share our fullest selves to the women that trigger us most.

By expressing our deepest insecurities, desires, and fears in our cold approaches, we begin processing all of our baggage we hold deep in our subconscious minds. We allow ourselves a chance to make peace with our inner demons, to move towards self-acceptance, and become more emotionally connected with our desires, fears, and consequently, with women. Over time, this allows us to handle greater tension, embody authenticity as our default response, and become grounded in our masculinity.

The focus of our cold approach becomes an art of genuine, authentic expression of our emotions rather than a tool to try and get something from an attractive woman. Ironically, this act of masculine vulnerability is wildly attractive to women. The indirect result of using cold approach with this intention is that you naturally become more present with reality, you learn to communicate more accurately through emotion, and become more attractive to women as a whole. This is all because you’re being real, you’re demonstrating that you’re enough as you are, and that regardless of how you feel on the inside, you can show up exactly as you are in the moment with her. Women will trust you, they’ll be more real with you, and they will like you for the REAL you.

I’m not promising you that the path is easy to just start expressing the insecurities and desires as they come up for you in your life. Everyone’s experience will be unique, but the long term consistent practice of this way of being will become easier over time. Meeting and attracting women into your life will become more effortless because you won’t have to perform. Making deeper emotional connections with friends, family, women, colleagues, and anyone else in your life becomes natural (as long as you’re applying this way of being with them too). Getting in the flow of life (flow state) becomes more of a common experience. The sex and the abundance of high quality women in your life will simply become a byproduct of the amazing, authentically masculine man you are.

Imagine everything you convey by sharing your rough edges, expressing your sexual desire for her, and doing so knowing full well she could reject the real you. That takes serious balls. This is how cold approach builds real self-esteem. This is the real masculine man that’s hiding underneath your bullshit beliefs and stories about yourself.

As a final word, don’t believe a word I wrote in this piece. The best type of learning isn’t through reading blogs, watching infields, or memorizing what to say and do. The best way to learn is experiential. Go out and experience being vulnerable with the intention of sharing whatever feelings/experiences are coming up for you in the moment. Do it with the intention of just being your authentic self without any hidden agenda. Take off that mask and be yourself.

Have questions or want to leave a comment with your feedback? I’d love to hear from you! If you’d like to connect shoot me an email at rooz@therealmasculine.com.

Rooz Yavari