Dating : Watch Your Words

Love In COVID-colored languages.

Tight spaces can force some tough conversations to happen fast in any relationship. After living in New York City for the past two years with my #bae Craig, in a small one-bedroom apartment, we both know that space can do to wonders or terrors for a new relationship. We now live in a two-bedroom apartment after a recent move to Dallas, Texas which affords us a bit more space. Now that we have this space, we have the privilege of privacy we didn’t once have. I find there is a subtle sense of calmness returning to our lives.

I remember one night recently, up late, telling stories to our friends of the times we handled the discomforts of little bathroom privacy or personal space in New York — it is comical to hear the things we did hindsight to find space. Laughing about the oddities that brought us closer together in a time we had to be so physically close. Imagine, being only a few months into dating and having to find a bathroom in a new city to go #2 since the apartment bathroom was right next to the bedroom…the worst. For anyone that has never lived in New York, public bathrooms are rarely a thing — you must buy. We both had stomach aches apparently half the time we lived there and only found out the experience was mutual weeks ago. Humans are weird, but our experiences are more alike then we tend to fathom.

This whole quarantine situation going on as of late, had me reminiscing about our journey. We couldn’t afford too many date nights in NYC because of the cost of living. Our dates were slow. Wine and laughter would flow; pairing perfectly with our weird conversations into the early morning hours on a white linen couch. Many mornings we watched the sunrise from the 22nd floor of the Upper West Side. We had our struggles with tight spaces and very little privacy, but we also learned to have fun in the simplest of ways. This is not dissimilar to COVID-19 stay home quarantine currently in place across the country. It is weird to think we are just being told to stay home, yet as kids, when we were told we were “grounded” by our parents, we fought it SO hard. Hmm. I digress.

Love can be firey in these tight spaces and constrained situations. Tons of time together in the house can drive any couple a bit over the edge. While love can be messy and frustrating, the ability to work through it becomes easier when we step back and find a different way to cope. In quarantine, I am sure many couples are discovering their partner’s lifestyle norms and work-life oddities. Our true selves come crawling out of the woodwork, eating habits highlighted, and sleeping patterns can get straight-up obnoxious. Tension must be popped like a bubble or words can get thick, thick like cold ketchup on a tater-tot.

Craig, on the second day of the quarantine, said he needed more space. I thought, “We have way more room than we used to.” I didn’t want to feel rejected, but it happened after too many hours of spending time together, doing nothing all weekend. He is an introvert and needs much more silence than myself. I knew my conversations were pressing his patience. Craig hadn’t slept in almost forty-eight hours, and work was making me crazy.

I walked into my room and shut the door to breathe, then returned to the living room to gather myself and not internalize his need for space as a form of rejection.

I sighed, “I just need to work out. My routine is all messed up and work is crazy. My boss is wild n’ out.”

Craig replied, “Maybe you need a new hobby.”

Shut. The. Front. Door.

Craig said it with the best of intention, I know this, but he didn’t realize he was super insensitive to my request for comfort in a moment of stress. I decided to go walk the dog. I found a way to lighten the urge to tell him all about hobbies. Bless his heart. Craig works as an entrepreneur and has the most erratic sleep schedule I have ever encountered, I kind of wish I was as cool as he was; I strive to stay awake past eleven at night. He cannot fathom the illusive pressures of corporate America’s 7 am — 9 pm work culture and impossible expectations.

With the COVID-19 experience, couples are stretching to find a new mental space. Fewer distractions can be beneficial in leading us toward more honest conversations. This is a space I find interesting, but other people, like Craig, may find this lack of physical space quite daunting. Quarantine also reminds us is that our significant others cannot and will not be a form of entertainment; this is not what love is intended to do. When we put new pressures on our relational system, we play with fire. Be intentional with how you love and what you expect from it.

Later, when I returned from my walk with our dog Houston, Craig came to me and apologized. We talked about how the words we choose matter. The times are tense, and the chaos, whether we buy-in or not, is real in our lives each day as this COVID continues.

The sign of a healthy relationship is the ability to communicate in times of tension or adversity. Recognizing when are words are harsh is so essential in course-correcting the journey we take. Understanding and building empathy around ours and our partner’s experiences is key to surviving as couples. The words we use, the experiences we share, require us to be ever so mindful of how the outside world creeps. Finding simple ways to build fun is the way forward. When we sit with one another and hear how similar our experiences are in hindsight, we will build empathy and invite love back into our homes.