Dating : We choose love or fear everyday.

The last 1.5 weeks have been really crazy. Nothing went according to plan. Really nothing.
I should have a two hour stop in Bangkok and then fly on to Bali.
It started on the way to Frankfurt Airport. It felt weird. Somehow wrong. But I really wanted to go to Bali. So I fly too.
When I arrived on the plane, I meditated briefly and then asked for guidance. Zack, the plane took off two hours later. There were technical problems and luggage had to be unloaded.
During the flight I felt bad underground, so I stayed in Bangkok for the time being.
I started to feel sorry for myself. Then I started to think and could see a pattern. Years ago I had poor health and every time I did it went away when I took full responsibility for it.

Instead of wailing and taking medication, it means feeling inside and seeing what’s going wrong. I did it. I listened to myself and got a clear sign that I was moving in the wrong direction.
So Bali is wrong. At least, that was my first conclusion. I stayed in Bangkok for a week and thought about what to do. I recovered a little from the flight and the stress I had before the flight.

But Bangkok wasn’t really good for me. Much too loud and dirty for my taste. I already told friends in Bali that I might not fly to Bali because there was a lot to be said against it.
The next day I decided to book a flight to Bali. From Bangkok we went to Singapore and then on to Bali. I was a little nervous. Because I usually cancel things that feel so wrong. But once the fear is at the start, it is very difficult to distinguish. The best decisions are not made in extreme joy, nor in grief or fear.

After Singapore everything went smoothly and very pleasantly. But from Singapore to Bali the number looked very different again.

Violent turbulence and circling the island for an hour as we were not allowed to land. Still better than the flight from Frankfurt to Bangkok.
Landed in Bali by taxi to Ubud. On the way we had an accident and shortly afterwards a police check. Bomb start! Slowly I became afraid of Bali. The last time I caught parasites here. But all of this is a long story in itself.

Love or fear?

The first days in Bali felt very pleasant. I was very happy to be back on the Island of the Gods after two years. I ate well, had massages and met friends. The perfect everyday life.
Nevertheless, I decided to dive deeper. I wanted to know what was going on inside me. Because as beautiful as the first few days were, there was a reason why it was so difficult to get here.

I have had irregular heartbeat, stumbling and pain in my chest and left arm for a while. I have to say that my last relationship was like a roller coaster ride. But I learned a lot from it. This allowed me to grow again.
I felt very lonely in the relationship and was not accepted as I was. That hoses and robs you of self-worth. And I also did things that I would do differently today. All of these memories are of course still stored in the system.

I felt better and better, but it didn’t feel good around my heart. What came through then was that I was still angry unconsciously. I had to forgive her and send her love. It’s a real challenge when I think back on what happened. But it was the only way to adopt and process these events. And as the saying goes: only the strong can forgive.

So I’m only getting ahead and I’m back in balance when I leave old ballast behind. How many times do we believe that when we say goodbye to something or someone in our lives that the thing is done. Most of the time it is not. We have to make peace with the past. We should thank you for the experience, however difficult it may be at times.

Perhaps it makes no sense for the mind to be grateful for heartbreaking experiences. But for the heart. The heart wants to heal. It wants to feel love! For the heart only love is real and all the rest of it is unnecessary. During my studies I had a serious car accident on the highway. A truck driver simply pulled onto my track and I got into a skid and drove at 180 km / h in front of the guardrail. Except for bruises and minor burns, nothing happened to me. I was just happy to be alive. I wasn’t angry with the truck driver because it could have happened to anyone. Each of us makes mistakes. Nothing tragic happened to me and I was grateful for that. Back then I made the right decision unconsciously. Against anger and blame. And it is exactly the same thing again.

Sure, the accident could have killed me. The last relationship has put me in very dangerous situations. I survived both. And that’s exactly the point!
Experiences teach us and make us stronger. And blaming, grief or anger just have to go.

Just do it for you. Forgive yourself and other people who have hurt you. You free them from their guilt and you free yourself from bad feelings. The people who hurt you just didn’t know better. It will be like a liberation to a new life for you.