Dating : We matched, now what?

Like the rest of our lives right now, dating has changed too. The container of virtual connection is a different landscape than meeting in person — it comes with both challenges, and opportunities for growth and introspection. Several folks in the humhum community have shared that they’re meeting new potential dates whether that be through humhum or on dating apps, and are then finding it challenging to sustain the connections — losing interest, patience, or momentum to grow closer. It is an added challenge to prioritize time and attention for a person you hardly know, and so I will offer 5 guiding principles to support you to practice connecting meaningfully and sustainably during this time.

“I want to meet new people and date but I don’t have the interest or energy to invest in someone I hardly know — and I don’t get to know them well over video chat.”

I. Align with why you’re choosing to date right now

Having clarity on why you are spending time and energy dating helps foster internal alignment as you pursue meeting new people.

Getting clear on why we do anything supports us in taking action with more confidence and vigor. You have to find your own Why, but here are some suggestions:

I am investing in self-discovery through the practice of relating. I am exploring relationship building as a process, unattached to outcomes, and open-minded to see what each new connection brings up in me.

I am practicing giving energy to a value I hold for a sacred partnership. I know this is something I want to make space for. In my pursuit, I will practice cultivating the characteristics I need to sustain a conscious relationship with anyone — listening skills, self-understanding, curiosity, generosity, presence, kindness, confidence speaking my truth, compassion, patience, persistence, enthusiasm to name a few.

II. Intend to elevate

We can ask, “what can I offer,” rather than “what am I getting?” Can you leave each person a little better off than you found them? Your presence alone can do this. Instead of expecting amusement or entertainment from another, see what you can bring to the connection. What would you like to do with your time? And invite your new connection to join you. Your investment to offer up an idea showcases your values and interests and could lead to the discovery of unexpected areas of alignment with a new person.

Try this: Invite them to join you for a virtual play, or yoga class. Or share something that felt moved or uplifted you this week e.g. a song, a poem, a piece of art, a podcast, a recipe. Share it with your new connection, and ask them to share something that has been meaningful to them too. Then have a discussion about it.

III. Lead with generosity

Building off of principle IV. we don’t know where a connection is headed, even more so now than ever, so all we can do is extend generosity and see where it leads us. In our chat on Office Hours with A Dating Consultant (34:30), Steve Dean founder of the dating consulting firm dateworking mentioned the importance of treating those we meet in the process of dating as we would those we meet networking — don’t burn a bridge if they’re not for you romantically because who knows what hidden gifts a relationship holds. Who knows, you could end up renting apartments from, working with, forming deep friendships with, and dating acquaintances of people you initially met in a dating context. Once you move beyond seeing your connection as romantic or bust, you’re able to cultivate a connection where you could be generous with one another with what you are willing and able to offer, if not your hearts romantically. With a sense of curiosity, kindness, and a willingness to discover the highest expression of our connection you can pose the question, how might we support one another? At the least, you’ll get the heart-opening gift of extending generosity, and participating in a world beyond your own four walls (metaphorically for now). A simple gesture of kindness can open the door serendipitous and magical discoveries, opportunities, and relationships.

Try this: What is one thing you can offer your new connection? Perhaps you introduce them to a project, book, person, website that you think they would vibe with.

IV. Approach connection as a practice

Every connection is an opportunity to practice cultivating heart and mind qualities we value, like those listed in principle I — listening skills, self-understanding, curiosity, generosity, presence, kindness, confidence speaking my truth, compassion, patience, persistence, enthusiasm.

If you take responsibility for your own experience and decide to arrive with presence, and generosity of spirit, you can see each unpleasant or neutral feeling during a conversation as a reflection of what’s happening internally and have it serve as an opportunity to bring more curiosity to the engagement rather than view it as a problem.

Try This: If you notice you’re getting bored, see if you can pinpoint when you check out. How do you know you’ve checked out? What does it feel like in the body? And when do you bring yourself back online to engage? If you get agitated or restless, what bodily sensations are coming up? What beliefs, thoughts or ideas are present?

“It’s hard to get to know someone via video chat dates. I don’t enjoy them. The reward feels low and investment high.”

First off — I hear you regarding not wanting more video chats given it is our modus operandi for everything right now. This can feel challenging, and uncompelling.

V. Remember, you are the master of your own experience

Own your mindstate going in, as best you’re able. Put on your favorite shirt, listen to a song that uplifts you, and look in the mirror and remember how awesome you are. You can also use simple practices to foster a head and heartspace that supports connecting. When we feel sluggish, withdrawn, or not great about ourselves, connecting becomes so much harder. Take your mood into your own hands, and condition the body and mind before connecting to bring forth a shinier version of you!

Try this: Check out humhum’s free guided meditations to help you ground, and center, or boost your vitality before connecting.

I hope this inspires you some to continue to show up and get creative to keep investing in those connections who intrigue you even a little bit. In my own experience it can take 3-4 video calls with someone new to start to feel a true sense of vulnerability beyond your initial connection, and that is when things can become quite interesting, and build momentum organically.

Check out humhum’s schedule to learn about upcoming virtual events.