Dating : We Try to Avoid Conflict but That’s Where the Depth Is

The thing we hate the most in relationships is conflict. It is why some of us will mess around sexually but never attempt commitment. It is why some of us will avoid relationships altogether — they’re too messy and complicated.

Some of us dive headfirst into relationships, ignoring the red flags because we want to be loved. We hope that there will be no conflict, but if they do come up, we hope that they won’t defeat us yet again.

But when they inevitably show up, we are faced with the dilemma of either staying and getting hurt (and embarrassed because you fought for love in the wrong place) or to leave with dignity (and possible judgment for not fighting for love enough).

It’s as if you can’t win.

How would we even know who to fight for? How would we curb our fear of conflict and actually try for long-term commitment?

First things first, you have to understand that conflict is always going to be a reality because no two people are the same.

No two people have the same perspective on life; no two people have the exact same likes and dislikes; no two people want the same things; no two people have the exact same idea on relationships.

This may seem as if a successful relationship is a miracle, but it’s only a miracle because conflict is often viewed as the entity that spells the end of a relationship.

In reality, you should look forward to conflict because that is when you will really know who the other person is.

As much as we love finding similarities in our partner, it is our contrasts with one another that reinforce our identities.

The liberal only exists in contrast to the conservative. The extrovert is known due to the existence of the introvert. We can also conceptually and experientially know people because one may exhibit more masculine or feminine traits than another.

Conflict arises when we cannot respect each other’s differences.

It is one thing to have an idea of who you’d like to be in a relationship with. It is another thing to want someone to fulfil every single trait you desire in a person. You can’t curate your partner. Your partner isn’t an art exhibit.

If there is something that you do not like about them, ask yourself this: Is this trait that I don’t like threatening our relationship or is it something that I just don’t like?

The answer to this question helps you to know whether or not to leave.

If what they are doing is threatening the relationship, talk to them about it. Explain why it hurts you and why it is damaging the relationship. If they fail you again and again, it is quite possibly the time to end it.

If what they’re doing is just something you don’t like, this is the opportunity for you to drop your resentment to the trait.

For example, if you’re with someone who was raised in the countryside and embodies a slower and less sophisticated way of being, that in and of itself isn’t a bad thing.

At some point you bought into a negative opinion on people like this and while this person had a bunch of great traits, you may have missed or minimized this trait. But now it’s even more apparent because you spend more time with them and you notice that they don’t want to work a corporate job and they put family over everything.

The issue isn’t that this person is old-fashioned. The issue is that you don’t particularly like or value the personality trait of being old-fashioned. This is the reason behind the conflict.

If you dropped your resentment on the trait, you’d be a happier and healthier person. You would lose your bias against a certain group of people. You’d have a happier and healthier relationship. You would show your partner that they are loved just as they are. You could even see the positive aspects of their personality trait and adopt some of them for yourself.

When this happens, you’ve unlocked a new level of respect for your partner, they’ve unlocked a new level of respect for you and the relationship deepens; the bond grows stronger.

When people talk about how a relationship transformed them, this is what they’re talking about. They became a better person because someone who differed from them in a strong and specific way, made them uncomfortable due to their conflict, but they decided to respect the difference.

But sometimes, even when we come to respect our partner’s differences, it may still spell the end of the relationship. You’re thankful that you’ve grown but you realize an inconvenient truth of the relationship: incompatibility.

Incompatibility is sometimes a reality in relationships, but at least the two can depart in love.

As someone who has suffered from being rejected because I had a life perspective that was different from my partner’s, it feels awful.

It left a blemish in my mind that maybe I wasn’t good enough. Truth be told, I cannot blame her for me believing that lie. But I point it out because it was a thought that came to me and a thought I imagine will linger in the minds of people who didn’t do anything other than be themselves.

What makes it worse is that I did this to others. The very thing I resented, I became guilty of.

So I did what I had to do. I stopped hating on the traits I used to hate and it simply made life so much easier. There’s far less drag and fear when I interact with anyone. Hell, I even accept myself more.

I implore you to take a look at the conflict in your relationship and ask, “Is this trait that I don’t like threatening our relationship or is it something that I just don’t like?”

If it really is something that is threatening the relationship, talk it out. But if they remain the same, you may have to walk out.

But if they really are innocent, don’t make them feel guilty.