Dating : What I Wish I’d Known About Love as a Teenager

A few pointers that would have saved me from a lot of pain later on.

The one thing I had the most trouble figuring out as a teenager was love — and boys.

I had all sorts of wrong ideas about love back then, mostly cultivated by romantic movies and books. It took me a long time to separate fiction from real life, and those beliefs later spilled into my dating life as a young adult. They cost me a lot of unnecessary pain.

Having a boyfriend is not validation of your worth.

In movies and books where a happy ending is guaranteed, the girl usually gets the guy of her dreams as soon as he realizes how amazing she is — and he doesn’t stop until he wins her over.

That meant having a boyfriend was the ultimate form of validation for any girl. It not only meant she was pretty, but also worthy. It meant she was worthy of notice, consideration, and effort.

Having a boyfriend was the ultimate form of validation because who were you, really, if no single boy wanted to take you out, kiss you, hold hands, and buy you something cute for Valentine’s Day?

As a teenager, I craved that validation more than anything else. I was desperate for it, and every year without a boyfriend caused me to doubt my self-worth and wallow in self-pity.

Detaching my sense of self-worth from male attention took a lot of work, and it didn’t happen until long after I left high school. I wish I had been guided on how to do that a lot sooner.

Half of what you’re feeling is just hormones.

I gave little to no credit to the role of hormones in shaping my teenage feelings. I assumed that what hit me every time I saw a cute boy was nothing but pure love at first sight.

And love at first sight was, of course, true love.

I disregarded infatuation, pheromones, and just plain ol’ teenage horniness (yes, girls have it, too).

I’d gather everything and anything I might be feeling for a boy and turn it into something pure, something beautiful. The purest and most beautiful thing I knew was, of course, love.

I had to grow up a lot to learn that love and attraction aren’t always the same, and that love takes a lot more work than anything that might originate “at first sight.”

Don’t be afraid to make the first move and tell someone how you feel.

I used to be incredibly shy around the boys I liked back in high school.

As a teenager, I was close friends with a lot of the boys in my class, but I could only be entirely comfortable around those who didn’t make me feel anything more.

I was usually desperate with unrequited love, just waiting for him to notice me and make a move — but I’d barely even make eye-contact.

I expected the boys I liked to do all the work, and I’d be mortified if any of them ever found out I liked them. I wish I’d known back that there’s nothing wrong with admitting you have a crush on someone, and that it’s not fair to expect the guy to always do all the work.

If he’s not putting in the effort, he doesn’t want to be with you.

Sometimes I’d wait for boys who would never make a move because they just weren’t interested. In my silly teenager head, I used to think when they’d eventually notice me, our love story would finally begin.

I still sometimes struggle with this, but I’ve learned that no effort means no interest. Move on.

The boy you like isn’t Prince Charming — and real life is not a fairy tale.

I used to over-romanticize my entire life, including the boy I liked. I would see him as my flawless Prince Charming, the one who would rescue me from my tower and make everything ok.

We would get married and live a happy life filled with love. Perfect, just like in the movies.

Some people do marry their high school sweethearts and live happily ever after. The chances you’re going to be one of those people, however, are incredibly slim. I wish I’d known how well you have to get to know someone before you start dreaming about a future with them.

Don’t let your teenage dreams become delusion

Being a hopeless romantic in my teenage years was fun sometimes, but I wish I had torn down most of these beliefs much earlier in life, starting with finding self-worth and validation in who I am, instead of in male attention.

It can be fun to dream of Prince Charming, and of love at first sight, but if you let those dreams run wild, they can turn into bitter delusion.

Prince Charming — if he even existed — can’t actually fix your life, and real love is built, not found. Learning those lessons doesn’t have to mean the end of romance, only the evolution to a healthier outlook on what love actually means.

It took me longer to learn those lessons than I should, but better late than never, I suppose.