Dating : What loneliness feels like

I know what loneliness is. I’ve felt it almost everyday, forever until I’m dead. Whenever that may come.

You never really see it there. You walk around in your quiet, studio flat, and you enjoy the peace. You listen to the microwave, to the washing machine, or the simple noise of water running on your skin. You walk around in the metro, at school, in a supermarket. But somehow the fact that everybody else ignores how lonely you are makes it not really be there.

So you never really know. Do you?

But then there is this moment of quiet, when something makes you smile, or laugh. And your throat shuts down and you feel like you want to burst into tears. And you know. That thing that made you smile, was seeing something that you’ve never had, or that you really want but never quite grasp.

It gives powder to the guns of your mind to shoot at will at the body who said it wasn’t in pain.

Because you know you are.

Sometimes you extend your fingers and you touch the other side of the bed. You grasp at the void. You wonder if you’re even there.

And you want to be held.

And you don’t remember the last time you were.

Well, you do, but it’s never good to go there.

I know what loneliness is. I’ve felt it every instant, every second, every moment, to a point that I forgot that I could feel something else.

Maybe I cry when I see it.

But the moments that really get to me, are the moments where I feel like i’m alive.

When something takes me back.

When I’m laughing with you and having fun, and feeling love in my belly and joy in my heart, but I don’t know that in my mind, i’m still away. And then your arm casually extends, and your hand casually falls in my back, right there, in the spot between my shoulders, right there, where the tension always builds up. That hand throws me out, slams me into life and all of a sudden I am terrified of how good it feels. And blood rushes through my veins and my heart sings and I’m okay. I’m not alone anymore. You’re there, even when it’s quiet.

I know what loneliness is.

And I knew it well.

Like second nature, no matter the amount of friends.

I know what it is, god damnit, i’ve known it better than I know my own body.

I could have stayed with you a few more minutes. Soaked in that feeling of pure joy. But I dragged myself away, I allowed myself to speed up as we were walking to the finish line.

I know. I really do.

And almost everyone makes me feel the same. There but not entirely. There for a fraction of a laughter for a pinch of a smile for a snap of affection.

You should be here. With me.

And it should have been the most beautiful love story to ever walk the earth.

I thought I found you.

For a moment there.

Because it had never been the same before.

It had never felt quite so right.

But I know what lonely feels like. And right now tonight, it means that i’m going to extend my arm again, to the other side of the bed, and i’m going to stick a pillow against my back and pretend i’m alright. I’m too tired to be angry or sad. I just wish I were alright.

There’s not enough writing to make the pain go away. Maybe i’m just writing to keep you here a little bit more.

But I can feel it coming, the moment where all the words and all the metaphors will dry up and i’ll be left with nothing more to say.

And when the words quiet down, and the silence gets to me, then again, i’ll know what it is to be lonely.

Because I do know, what lonely feels like.