Dating : What to do about softboys

It’s difficult to describe the peculiar kind of joy I found when I discovered that Softboy Bingo is a thing.

Up until a couple of months ago, I hadn’t even heard the term ‘softboy’, because I’m already old and out of touch with what the kids say now. Fuckboys I was familiar with, but, finding out that softboys were enough of a regular unpleasant experience to deserve their own term was a relief. It’s like finding out there’s a unique German word for this feeling you’ve had but could never quite describe. It acknowledges that your experience is not only real, but, that other people have felt that way too.

The fact that there’s a bingo sheet to go along with it is just the kind of petty, ‘no, fuck you’ sassiness I can really get into.

If you’re not familiar, a softboy is very similar to a fuckboy, but with some key differences. Allow me to provide some real life examples.

In a long-term committed relationship, hours after bringing up what our wedding would be like. “After you, I think I’ll date a black girl.”

After talking about his charity bike rides against sexual violence. “You know how you could solve all your problems? Let me tell you.”

“I understand where you’re coming from, and I think we can both be upfront and have open communication. If anything changes, negative or positive, we’ll talk about it. Even if it’s uncomfortable.” Ghosts me after we have sex.

Softboys are feminists because it’s fashionable and it gets them laid, not because they have empathy for others. They’ll make you think that they respect you, and that they understand what you mean when you talk about things like ‘emotional labour’ and ‘boundaries’, but their actions don’t live up to those expectations. Softboys think they’re doing the right thing and that they’re good guys, but they aren’t. At least fuckboys have the decency to own up to it.

The term ‘softboy’ isn’t an attack on otherwise good guys who are trying to be better feminists but aren’t there yet. Softboys have no good intentions or awareness of the world outside of themselves, they just pretend to.

Over the years, I’ve dated a lot of these boys who insist that they meant well, but can’t be bothered to follow through. It can make you feel insane, since the outward appearance is all forward-thinking, and empathetic. No one else but the jilted lovers see the wrong side of them, and by then, it’s too late to call them out because then you just sound jealous and heartbroken.

This is why things like Softboy Bingo are so brilliant. It turns these behaviours into a bad stereotype, and mocks them. It takes the anger focusing on one man, which can be easily written off as bitterness, and redirects it to a set of actions. Being mad at one man makes you a petty bitch. Coming together with a group of women who have all been through the same frustrating experiences makes you just a woman blowing off steam. It depersonalizes it, both for the softboy, and for his unfortunate date. If he’s an ass just to you, it’s easy to blame yourself. If he’s an ass to everyone behind closed doors, then maybe his ghosting you has nothing to do with you at all.

Nobody wants to look at a Softboy Bingo sheet and realize that they could win based on their own traits. It’s harder to get defensive about something when everyone is saying the same thing. It’s not about a couple girls that he pissed off anymore, it’s about a set of behaviors that made people see him as a stereotype.

So, if you’ve been affected by a softboy, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Memes might not cure them, but, it’s one of the best weapons that we have.