Dating : What’s Age Got to Do With It?

Dating an older man comes with a lot of flack from people around you — I should know. I spent a little over six years with a man 26 years older than me. That might not seem too bad… until I tell you I was 19 when we started dating. Perhaps you are thinking I have “daddy issues” or that I am a gold digger or something along those lines. But neither is the case in my situation. For one, I was the more dominant one in our relationship, and for two, I stayed with him through his bankruptcy and several years after… so definitely wasn’t in it for the money.

Instead, our relationship became a romantic relationship after we developed a friendship based on a mutual interest in baseball. It was one of those situations where neither of us saw a relationship in the future until the night he kissed me. After that, it just all fell into place. The secret was that we truly enjoyed each other’s company and we developed a very deep friendship over the course of our relationship. These two factors were the glue that held us together years after we should have broken up.

In hindsight, I see where and why our relationship was doomed. However, in the moment, it is hard to see it. We hold onto what we feel is right, often ignoring what we know is right. In a relationship with a large age difference, there are bound to be sacrifices made on both sides. For me, my parents never accepted him and therefore he was not allowed to participate in family events — in fact, my extended family didn’t even know about him. I couldn’t talk about him or our relationship and I had to spend every holiday without him there. For him, his daughter (who is older than I) stopped talking to him for most of our relationship because she was mad he was dating me. These sacrifices make it harder to breakup because you feel like you’ve put so much into it and sacrificed so much — more than an average couple.

After six years with my ex, I would not try and discourage anyone from dating someone older than themselves. In fact, my current boyfriend is also older than I am, (he reminds me I fit within the half + 7 limit), and we seem to be working just fine. This is because it isn’t the age difference itself that can make or break a relationship. Rather, it is the values the couple hold separately, long-term goals in life and relationships, as well as the struggle that comes from the judgements of friends, family and strangers that can put stress on the relationship.

1. Values may differ or change over the course of the relationship

This might be the hardest point to come to terms with because even in relationships with someone our age, we still tend to ignore differences in values until it poses problems. In a relationship with someone older, it is no different. However, since they grew up in a completely different time period and have had decades more time on Earth than you, their values may be different from your own. This doesn’t mean one of you has lesser values — just that values will be different because the nurture aspect of your upbringing was different.

The difference in values may seem like it isn’t that big of a deal at first. However, if you really love to enjoy yourself and spend money but they are more frugal and want to save it — this can cause a major issue. Other differences in values can be as simple as perhaps you enjoy playing video games for hours while they would rather get outside and go for a walk. In my relationship, I liked to be out and doing something, preferably going to a museum or a historical sight. My partner was not interested in either. So we spent a great deal of time at the beach or the mall. Both of these were places I also liked, but we would spend money and he didn’t like that.

We also learned over the course of the relationship that our social and political values were different. While we were technically on the same side of the spectrum, I was interested in having conversation and delving into the issues — he would rather get his news from Facebook and make blanketed statements as a result. These are the types of differences in values that are easy to overlook for months or years into the relationship. But once the differences pop-up, they can begin to cause tension in the relationship.

2. Long-term goals are exceptionally important

Perhaps you read this heading and thought to yourself, “Um, yes. Duh.” Well, in hindsight I think the same thing. The problem is at the time we got together, when I was 19, I didn’t necessarily want marriage and kids. Those weren’t high on my radar. I was simply trying to make it through college and pay rent. However, around 23, I started to get the itch and want to know where our relationship was headed. Now I wanted kids and marriage and he was obliged to satisfy my wants, but he didn’t truly want those things himself. He was 50 and had already had kids and a marriage. He wasn’t looking to start over and would only do so for me. Also, we found ourselves at another interesting crossroads. I was just starting my career and had the world before me. He had been fired from his career-like position and was simply trying to find a job to fill the time until he could retire.

When you date someone older, all the same excitement and joy of being in a new relationship applies. For myself it was even heightened because I knew he was older and it made me feel mature and like he really understood me. It is easy to get caught up in the butterflies and fireworks of the first stage of love and neglect to discuss goals. But like I said, it wasn’t even that we didn’t discuss goals — I was 19 when we started dating. I was still very much a kid trying to make my way into adulthood. By the time I was 25 and we broke up, I was more of an adult than I ever had been. The growth I did in those six years is natural and the fact that we didn’t grow together is not hard to understand. At the end of the day, we were at two completely different stages in life, we just happened to be side by side on the journey for several years.

3. Your relationship will (almost) never be accepted

This is BY FAR the hardest part of dating someone visibly older than yourself. Obviously, 26 years is quite an age difference. I was young and he was middle aged. In the beginning of our relationship, I was mistaken as his daughter a couple times. Towards the end of our relationship, I had matured and looked older while he looked younger than he was. We also had a comfort with each other that comes from a physical and romantic relationship. Yet, sometimes we would still get looks, especially from middle-aged women when we were out at night, and while we tried to ignore them, sometimes we both wished we didn’t attract so much attention.

When you first start off dating, you may think that the looks and comments from strangers won’t bother you. And perhaps they won’t at first. But as your relationship progresses, it gets harder and harder to ignore what people say. You may not choose to breakup as a result, but you will likely wish the comments could be because you two are cute together as opposed to focusing solely on the apparent age difference. now, if this really never bothers either of you, then it may not take a toll on your relationship. However, if it does, then it will tax both of you and you may start to long for someone your age.