Dating : When infidelity crosses into the grey zone

by: E.B. Johnson

When it comes to infidelity, the line is not always as clear as we think it is. Sometimes, the behaviors we engage in or the decisions that we make can be misconstrued as infidelity, or feel like cheating to our partners. These breaches of trust occur when we fail to be honest with our partners, but also when we fail to be honest with ourselves. Avoid infidelity often comes down simply to opening up.

Don’t walk a line you don’t understand. Get to know yourself and get familiar with what you need from your relationships and your partners in order to build something that can add to the quality of your future life. Stop giving into insecurities or engaging in self-sabotaging behavior that does nothing short of push you and your partner further and further away from the true connection you share. Attention from a new (or old) flame might feel nice, but it will never make up for the truth you refuse to acknowledge. Cultivate a new understanding of your relationship and yourself and use it to avoid infidelity.

Our partnerships are a sacred space and — for many of us — provide a safe and secure place in which to express ourselves or otherwise find solace and comfort. Our partners provide a sounding board, but they also provide a protective barrier against the world, which can shield us from the nastier effects of the heartaches and adversities we face on this road of life.

These relationships can become wracked with pain too, however. They can be nuances and they can become the wounds which turn into even deeper insecurities or misunderstandings. When we stop communicating honestly (with our partners and ourselves) we can find ourselves falling into some sticky situations, and that includes a nebulous “grey-zone” between infidelity and carelessness.

Though you might think cheating only encompasses the obvious physical and emotional over-extensions, infidelity is actually a lot more complicated than that. There are a number of ways in which we can cross important lines with our partners, and it’s up to us to make sure we are utilizing efficient and effective communication to avoid such mistakes. We have to be honest about what we want and what we need from our relationships, or we risk losing them — and ourselves — in the process.

Cheating isn’t as simple as having a physical relationship with another person. There are a number of “grey areas” that feel like infidelity to anyone who has experienced them. Whether you’re hiding connections at work, or reconnecting with old-flames on Facebook — there are some things that just shouldn’t be done without consulting your partner (and respecting their wishes).

Reconnecting with old flames

Is reconnecting with an old flame really straying outside of the relationship? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. Friending exes on social media, or even meeting up for an afternoon catch-up or a cup of coffee, can mean everything or it can mean nothing. While it’s only natural to wonder what our former partners are up to, re-opening doors that are better left closed can lead to betrayals and hurt-feelings that are hard to overcome at home (without a lot of honest communication before, during and after the reconnect.)

Oversharing with a friend

Whether you realize it or not, it is possible to overshare with your friends and family when it comes to our relationships. Intimate details of our sex lives, our conversations or even our shared experiences can sometimes cross a line that disrespects our partners. Things that cause them embarrassment, anxiety or other uncomfortable feelings are — by rights — not ours to share, and can go a long way to cross a line of trust that we can’t come back from.

Hiding connections

It’s important to hold our own friend groups, and it’s important that we have our own support networks outside of our relationships. Sneaking around, socializing with people you don’t tell your partner about, however? That’s more in-line with infidelity, and could indicate intentions that are not entirely pure. Going to lunch with an attractive friend or co-worker that you don’t tell your spouse or partner about is an admission of truth; and therefore disrespectful to their general welfare and wellbeing within the relationship.

Browsing the menu

It’s one thing to reconnect with an old-flame on Facebook or Instagram, but it’s another thing to make browsing the menu a regular past time. As humans, our minds and our eyes wander and we often find ourselves looking for the next best thing. When we become obsessed with this pastime, however, we lose sight of the relationships we are building with our partner and start to focus only on what we might be able to get next. This chase is endless, and one that has devastating consequences for our partnerships.

We don’t just want up one day and decide we’re going to hurt the person that we love. Infidelity is a slippery slope, and one generally begins with an activity as harmless as looking for a little compliment once in a while.

Insecurities abound

Feeling good about yourself is a powerful thing, but feeling bad about yourself is an equally powerful thing. When you’re living a lack packed with insecurities, it can force you to look outward for validation that you can only find inwardly. Little by little, you go searching for that feel-good approval from strangers and forget about the love and approval that you have waiting for you at home. The more you stray, the worse you feel about yourself (which only increases your need to chase.) It’s a self-defeating cycle that only goes away with conscious recognition and correction.

Frustration and resentment

Frustration and resentment are two of the biggest reasons our partners find themselves toying with the idea of infidelity. If their needs aren’t being met, or they aren’t taking the time to analyze and meet their own needs — it’s easy to become aggravated, or even resent yourself and your partner. Irritated, but not consciously aware of why, you lash out and inflict pain on both yourself and your partner in a serious of poor decisions which often lead to infidelity or similarly hurtful passive-aggressive behaviors.

Ready to let go

The hard fact of the matter is that some people flirt with infidelity because they’re ready to let go of the relationships they’re in (but not brave enough to alert the other party). Closing the door on the partner that you’re with, your eyes and your heart might start wandering elsewhere. Rather than face up to the issues or the emotions that you’re facing, you drop a bomb in the middle of your partnership that further undermines the other persons sense of trust and security.

Too many opportunities

There’s a saying that touches on fidelity which reads, “A man is as faithful as his options,” and that bears a great deal of truth. We all have a tendency to be on the look-out for the next best thing. As humans, we’re ambitious, but we’re also proud. When you have an array of opportunities to spread your love outside of your relationship, it becomes a greater temptation. Someone who is presented with the opportunity to stray (and do it regularly) is more like to consider the idea, or even engage in the actual act (on a physical or emotional level).

Sabotage of self

Hate yourself? Feel like you’re not worth having a stable relationship or that you’ll never find love? These kind of self-limiting beliefs — when perpetuated without assessing — can cause us to engage in passive-aggressive behaviors that destroy our relationships and therefore confirm our worst beliefs about self. It’s cutting off the nose to spite the face, and it’s one of the most common ways we go about sabotaging the happiness we so desperately seek in our partnerships.

So when does a grey-zone cross over into full-on infidelity? Well, it all comes down to intention, the wishes of your partner, and the manner in which you conduct yourself. If you’re sneaking around and conveniently leave things out…well, your intentions probably aren’t as glittering as you pretend that they are.

All about intent

Intent is the primary factor when it comes to infidelity (and what does and doesn’t cross the line). Our intent is where we’re coming from, and it’s the underlying reason that we do something that we do. When our intent behind connecting with an old flame is to simply see if they’re okay, or get some closure — that’s find. If the main reason we want to reconnect, however, is to re-ignite old passions or re-establish old romances — we’re doing our partners a disservice and we’re lying to ourselves about what we really want.

Disrespected wishes

No matter what the behavior is, it crosses the line if it crosses the respectful and reasonable requests of your partner. Be-friending an ex on Facebook is okay…until your partner expresses that it makes them uncomfortable. Some behaviors that we might deem “okay” are not “okay” with our partners. Honest communication is key when it comes to figuring out what constitutes infidelity and what doesn’t. Every relationship is different, and everyone has different reasons for their needs.

Sneaking around

If you’re sneaking around to achieve your plans or hang out with people, it’s crossing a line that is very much in-line with infidelity. Doing activities behind the backs of our partners or spouses indicates a knowledge that it is wrong (or that it will inspire an emotional reaction). If we don’t want to do it in the full-knowledge of our partner, it is most-probably something that we know is outside of their comfort zone, or something they have expressly listed as a dealbreaker for them.

We can handle potentially tricky relationships situations by focusing on honesty, respect and communication. When we’re honest with ourselves, and our partners, we can find a new level of mutual respect and understanding that allows us to repair whatever damage causes us to look outside of our relationships. When we commit to the journey and avoid the temptation, we give ourselves the opportunity to thrive.

1. Avoid the temptation all together

Perhaps the best way to handle a situation that could potentially lead to infidelity is to avoid it altogether. When we remove temptation from our lives, we make it harder for ourselves to slip up, and easier for ourselves to continue an investment in our relationships and our partners. The connections we share with our partners is delicate, and it takes constant balance between give, take and honest intimacy. If you’re afraid you’re slipping into a grey zone — remove it. Don’t let it destroy something you’ve worked hard to build.

The first instance you notice a relationship between you and a friend changing, put up a stop sign. Consider your partner’s wishes, and then express those wishes to the other person if needed. Think about it from your partner’s point of view. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? How would you expect them to react?

Don’t think you’re stronger than temptation. Don’t pretend that you are incapable of making mistakes or crossing lines that you aren’t even sure exist. Keep your outside relationships in the boxes they belong, and make a conscious effort to respect your partner’s desire for romantic fidelity by removing yourslef from as many temptations as possible. If you need closure, get it yourself. If you want something deeper or more physical, express that need to your partner.

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate

Communication is a cornerstone on which any stable and healthy relationship is built. We fall in love with one another through communication (both mental and physical) and we maintain our relationships and our bonds through communication (both verbal and intimate). We have to communicate with our partners if we want to build lives with them, and we have to do it honestly and openly. That’s especially true when it comes to infidelity and where the line lies.

If you feel as though you might be slipping into a potentially grey zone with a possible affair — it’s time to sit down and have a chat with your partner. Don’t be defensive and don’t try to downplay or minimize their concerns or your own (there’s a fine line betweeen re-assuring and trivializing — pay attention to it). Be honest. Be open. Be clear. Share what you’re thinking, and let them do the same.

You need to start communicating your needs to one another. Take a look at what you want from your partner and what you’re not getting. Allow them too to express what needs they have, or how they feel your partnership could be improved. Don’t get in the way of one another and work hard to understand the difference between your feelings and the other person’s experience. Only through honest and constant communication can we keep abreast of one another’s realities and expectations in way that allows us to compromise peacefully.

3. Make respect the standard

Too often, we get caught up in all our little hang-ups and pieces of baggage to the point of losing focus on the respect that should permeate our partnerships. No matter how angry we are at our spouses or our partners — no matter how much they have disappointed our expectations or let us down — we owe them a basic modicum of respect as the human beings we’ve committed to loving. This means safeguarding their feelings as our own, and doing nothing that we know would intentionally hurt them or make their lives more difficultt.

You’re in a relationship with someone, and with that comes the understanding that you will not go out of your way to engage in behaviors that will knowingly hurt or harm them. Give them the respect they deserve by committing to swerving away from situations that will only cause grief and strife in your relationship. Respect their feelings as you would respect your own.

This doesn’t mean you have to deny yourself all things your partner doesn’t like. Everything in this life is about compromise, but somethings require us to default to the respectful decision. When it comes to infidelity and what crosses the line into the land of hurt, we don’t get to call the shots. When we commit to actions that injure our partners, that fault lies on us. You don’t get to decide whether or not what you do impacts other people. Be respectful and avoid the pitfalls of a failing relationship.

4. Find some outside support

Our partnerships exist primarily between ourselves and our romantic confidantes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still need the support of our outside connections. Support systems are critical when it comes to the hardships that our relationships face. It’s hard to see the entirety of what’s going on when you’re stuck looking at it from the inside. An outside perspective can be invaluable when it comes to making the right decisions for you and your partner.

If you’re facing an internal struggle or the question of whether or not something is crossing the line, it’s okay to reach out to your friends and family for a little bit of perspective. Find people you can trust and open up to them. Let them know what you’re thinking, but also share the safe parts of your partner’s perspective as well.

Seek opinions not votes. Don’t ask them to make decisions for you, but instead ask them to provide a different point of view. Don’t encourage them to take sides or give you the answers you want. Instead, ask them what it looks like from a third-party perspective. Are you really doing something fair? Or are you doing something selfish? When we seek a different point-of-view, we can often find that things aren’t as above-board as we might wish for them to be.

5. Get real about what you want

Above and beyond all else, you have to start getting real about what you want before you open the door on anything that could be misconstrued as infidelity. It can be hard to admit when our relationships are over, or when we aren’t getting what we want from a romantic partner. That part is critical though, and it’s critical not only for our happiness, but for the happiness of the person we’ve committed to as well.

If you’re thinking about something that could in any way border on infidelity, take a step back and take a good, hard look at where you’re at and what you want. What are you not getting from your relationship that’s leading you to look elsewhere? What in you is looking for something in someone else? Ask yourself deep, prying questions and use those questions to better understand why infidelity or cheating is even an option for you.

You have to be honest with yourself if you ever want to be happy. Maintaining relationships that aren’t satisfying and perpetuating cycles of pain and dissatisfaction isn’t fair for anyone involved. We owe it to ourselves to be happy, and to have the things we want in this life. This requires great honesty, however, and beyond that it sometimes requires even more difficult action. Take honest and good-intentioned action to repair who you are now, before you have the chance to hurt anyone else.

Infidelity is complex and nuanced, and it’s often hard to know what constitutes as real cheating and what doesn’t. It all comes down to intention and the level of honesty we share with our partners, but that can be a hard balance to get right when we’re dealing with things like insecurity, resentment or a general inability (or unwillingness) to express ourselves honestly. If we want to avoid infidelity, we have to learn how to open up to our partners, and be more candid about what we’re feeling. That’s something that takes commitment, though, as well as a deep and sometimes uncomfortable gut-check.

Avoid the tempation or do what you can to cut it out of your life altogether. Learn how to get closure on your own, and don’t open up the door to old loves. Minimize the opportunities you have to let your imagination (or your heart) wander. Communicate with your partner, and express your needs or where you’re at as far as looming on the edge of something risky. You own it to your partner to share decisions and thoughts that potentially impact their life or wellbeing. If there’s something you’re net getting, accept that — and honestly express that need both to yourself and your partner. Make respect the standard and strive never to commit to decisions or behaviors that might hurt the other person in your romantic equation. If the temptation is too great and the struggle too much, find someone you can rely on outside of the situation and open up to them for an enhanced sense of perspective. Avoiding the things that border on the grey line of infidelity can be hard, but a third-party point of view can often be invaluable. Get honest with yourself and fess up to what you need from your partners and your romantic relationships.