Dating : When jealousy serves your relationship, use it

I used to tell myself that I didn’t get jealous. And I didn’t, when people I dated I wasn’t that into would tell me they hooked up with someone else, or flirt with a friend I would shrug. C’est la vie. There would always be another.

And then I met a person who moved me, that I invested much into. We haven’t asked much of each other over the last decade except fidelity.

We are always free to leave, but together there is an unspoken team agreement.

Of course my boyfriend isn’t my property, which is what most of these answers say, but that doesn’t mean I’m not possessive, that I don’t have feelings when the integrity and foundation of our cake is threatened.

We allow each other so much freedom in many other ways; the longest of dental floss leashes: no fiscal commitments, no creative interference (he’s an architect, I’m a designer), no bodily suggestions, no sexual demands, no eating requirements, no religious paths, no shared spaces, no ideal needs. We are independent beings, living apart, just our souls aligned.

The one thing we agree about each other is that we are possessive, and we see it as an aspect of our love to enjoy. I’ve grown into our particular jealousy, I learned it from him.

He’s charming, tall, handsome, smart, attentive and a brilliant creative. He dresses well. He’s sensual. And overall, he’s a really really good guy.

I can understand why women and men do it.

But when it goes beyond innocent flirting, crushes, or mistaken identity, I get jealous enough to do foolish things that feel like out of body experiences.

My ears throb, my face gets hot, I sweat. I lock eyes on my target and psychically dare them to proceed. I literally see red.

Once a girl walked up to him and kissed him on the mouth at a party I was throwing to ‘get him to like her’. Eyes wide, he looked at me mortified. The party paused, the air became thick. I couldn’t breathe. Silently, like a person possessed I calmly poured a beer on her head to make her go away.

To my Id, that shit don’t fly.

I’ve locked people out of my parties, told their friends to be careful with their significant others, and bared my teeth if necessary. You are going to know I don’t approve. I’m not a bombastic, loud, dramatic person, I’m a doer. For some reason all words fail me at that level, and I can only act.

I especially take offense if someone understands our relationship and knows me, I see it as a sign of disrespect. I would never put someone in that position, to chose between pleasing me or making their significant other extremely uncomfortable. We don’t have a polyamorous agreement, we don’t flirt back. It’s one sided sexual aggression.

I’m not proud of those moments, they are strange and shameful and burn to remember, but I am real with myself about why I feel them.

If what he wanted to was to walk away forever and leave I wouldn’t stop him. Long leashes break. Alignment can be off. It would break my heart. But he hasn’t, and it’s not another person’s right to make us feel shitty so they can sexually harass one of us and make the other feel insecure.

It’s up to me to make it clear, not just to other people but him too. He enjoys my protection, being possessed, being mine.

We have so much more to look forward to; leaving it all to chance by allowing a stranger to disrupt our world would be irresponsible.

I’ve got too much devotion for that.