Dating : When Words Fail Us

Love and Internal Wars We Face

He drove with the music blasting. I sat looking out the window with my eyes fixated on anything I could find. I was swimming in an ocean of thoughts, an internal conflict I could not quite put my finger on. Something was triggering me, hard. The feeling of unplaced friction was similar to that of an itch that could not be scratched. I wanted to look in my partner’s direction, to hold his hand, to be happy; my mind wouldn’t release this tension I built between us.

My mind rambled on. Two versions of myself, one on each shoulder, debating my emotions. For the sake of time, let’s call the version on my right shoulder CC and on my left shoulder, Alex.

CC, “You know you should have driven; He doesn’t know where he is going. What if he crashes? Why is it so hard to turn down the music and speak to me? Am I that boring? I am so annoyed. Whatever. We are super disconnected. Do I have to say everything?”

Alex, “First of all, you asked him to drive. Sharing a car isn’t something he ever mandated or even asked for. You offered up these choices as a way to cultivate trust and intimacy. Now, look at you! You are sitting here because he offered to let you drive, and you declined the offer. Stubborn. Plus, you hate driving in traffic, so isn’t this an awesome deal? Why not read some of those articles on Medium you bookmarked?”

CC, “Fuck that. He is not listening. I can’t even relax. Why won’t he recognize I’m in the car with him? Doesn’t he give a shit about how my day went?”

Alex, “Well, what do you want to say? I’m not sure your emotional and logical brains are connected right now. Wouldn’t your words be impulsive? Or what if they are filled with frustration? Do you want to place that into your connection? He didn’t do anything to deserve this misplaced frustration at all. He has been nothing but kind to you today. Why can’t you meet him in this kindness? Maybe you should talk to him about what happened in your past…”

CC, “No. This is just me being frustrated because he isn’t acting as he cares right now.”

Alex, “You are a jerk. Slow down that mind of yours; it is fucking racing. He dropped you off and picked you up from work. Walked the dog. Filled the car up with gas last night. Got the car washed this weekend. Offered to help with grocery shopping. Is this a control thing? Why aren’t you breathing?”

CC, “ Because I don’t know what the fuck I feel. Yeah he dropped me off, but why do I need to be grateful…it’s my car. I know it’s a control thing. Don’t act like you know everything!”

Alex, “What is this really about?”

CC, “Why is everyone so inefficient? I hate giving directions, and now I am just sitting here in silence. I feel unseen.”

Alex, “Pause for a minute. I think this has something to do with the fact that at one point in your life, men used you. I can understand how this would trigger a lot of stress and anxiety, as you release control to someone that isn’t. Now you have to breathe and release that old conflict; it’s done. The man next to you has proven over-and-over again that he is worthy of your trust, love, and compassion. He is good…more than good, he is an incredible partner. He is not those shitty guys you used to date and please stop idolizing that one… I know your mind gravitates there to justify shit…he wasn’t great either.”

CC, “Fuck this. Nothing connects here. I’ve been safe. This is dumb. Maybe this is work-related stress.”

Alex, “Did you have a stressful day? Nope. Not really. You are triggered. Feel that shit out. What is your anxiety trying to tell you? He challenges everything you think you know. Your gut is wrong here, sorry not sorry boo boo. He makes you feel safe, and at some level, this attacks your defense mechanism…because you have to let the perception of control go now. Breathe. Feel this fear. Sit in it.”

CC sighs as she evaporates off my right shoulder. Alex looks out the window on my left shoulder before disappearing as well. I feel myself staring down at my hands now. I feel shame. I hold back tears that I feel welling up as my nostrils burn with the smell of an internal gun smoke of my thoughts.

He pulls into the driveway, and my body relaxes.

“Thank you for driving,” I say quietly.

He seems confused but replies, “Of course.”

I know from the feeling deep within the vertebras of my spine that the challenge is to accept love from my partner. At this moment, my words escape me. The burden of truth as it unfolds is articulated in the weight of my body as it wraps around his. I release my fear and give him my heart again and again.