Dating : Why Hooking Up Isn’t My Thing

Hooking up to me is casual sex which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Unfortunately, many people use manipulation, lies, and illusions to have sex. The truth usually comes out after the sex or games get old or someone new is found.

Someone just recently told me I hate men, I am crazy, and will forever be single because I basically place my vagina on a pedestal.

He said, “P***y is the easiest thing to get on this planet especially for a man with a little of money. So you’re not doing any real man a favor by holding out on the p****y.” This same man begged me for sex and I have repeatedly refused. He is not a good guy. I feel he is scorned and rejected so he is going to be a bully. I have never had any intentions of becoming involved with him.

This all started because I confessed to him the reason why I don’t like to go on dates with men. I said, “They pressure me for sex too early, and if I don’t agree, they start being mean and bullies” I also said, I don’t like how men fawn and swoon over me in an obsessive and superficial manner, make future promises, and try to impress me with money, gifts, or trips.” I am looking for a friendship not a paycheck.

I admitted how I am not willing to have sex with every man who wants to have sex with me or walks into my life. I tell every man, “I am NOT interested in sex.” I am very direct if the guy is persistent. They still call or text me thinking I might change my mind or a window of opportunity might’ve opened. Nope! I understand people are liberated and living their best sex lives — no judgment over here. I just don’t want to enter that race.

I am not playing a sadistic game of cat and mouse. I know what I want. I am kind enough to explicitly breakdown what I want, need, and value. They just keep demanding sex as prerequisite to anything even a basic conversation or activity. The brutal truth is that I have many attractive qualities and with such comes options (or marketability lol). If there are 10 guys at my gate pursuing me, I am going to pick the one with the highest and best qualities. I am pragmatic to the core but it’s not about financial gain. It is also about inspiration and enlightenment. I am not going to sleep with a negative, underdeveloped, bully, poor communicating ass dude because he has a big d**k, nice smile, and a gives great compliments. I want to deal with a man who feeds my mind and teaches me stuff while we have great sex. Orgasms, meals, and all the other stuff is easy for a woman like me. I indulge myself and live a very active life. The only thing missing is a partner and great sex.

Not to sound cliché, I know my worth, my values, and I’ve been reinforced by many great men in my life. I just don’t like a lot of men who don’t have good intentions entering into my spiritual, mental, and emotional dimensions. Delaying sexual relations isn’t done because I think I have something to prove; it is done because I want to preserve what I’ve built for myself. I strongly believe when people become intimate there is an exchange: they leave something and take something. I am totally okay with the uncertainty of the future; however, I am not comfortable with becoming intimate without a meeting of the minds. I am a nontraditional woman. I believe in egalitarianism. I firmly believe men and women are equivalents and they compliment each other. I also believe relationships are interdependent and have their own trajectory despite being influenced by the independent parts that eclipse into a relationship.

My issue with hooking is it is inconvenient for me. I am a busy business with routines and activities. Most people who try to hookup wanna do it when I am already in bed. I am comfortable sleeping alone at night and is usually in bed by 9pm. Penile stimulation is necessary for me to sleep at night. Most importantly, I don’t like the see-through BS that comes along with the common hook-up culture. I have some intelligence and strong intuition and I’m offended when someone insults them. As I told the former buddy, “if a man is going to lie and be insincere just to have sex, he isn’t the man for me.” What irritates me is the mindfuckery and the way they try to convince me that my perception is a false reality. I respond to actions not canned answers to me questions why certain behaviors or inconsistencies exist. I feel safe and secure to be free when a man is cognitively-strong, communicates well, is consistent, confident, and fair/balanced. If a man has to lie, trick, or con me into bed or a relationship, he is weak and foolish.

Some might ask, “how do you know the man isn’t being sincere?” I observe behavioral and communication patterns, nonverbal incongruencies, and use my discernment and intuition. I’ve noticed males who like to hunt and conquer females usually have a primitive playbook. I think their attention span and patience is too short to develop a sophisticated mating approach. Their focus is based on their lower needs. I have many male friends, uncles, and dads who have schooled me along silly life experiences.

I am not going to focus too much on the specifics of mannish behavior but it usually begins with a compliment and devices to attract and capture the female. All of which could be a job title, possession, association or physical attributes; arouse the woman mentally with an intellectual, humorous or spiritual conversation; impress her with his goals and dreams (hope factor); listen to her talk about her values; reinforce her values; offer a future promise like marriage, trips, lavish outings, etc; and he’ll usually tell stories about what he as done to and for other women to demonstrate his ability to be a “good guy” who can take her places or add value to her life. Building an illusion is the easy part, maintaining it is harder. Eventually, the male’s true intentions come out over time. I’ve noticed people who lie tend to remove themselves from people’s lives or keep connections separate to prevent the truth from coming out.

I want all masks off before I become intimate or invest serious time. Dating is time consuming — The downfall of many people is the upkeep of the wrong people! I want to get to know and observe any man well enough before I get close. I don’t have anything prove and I’m not in a chastity competition (and I don’t shame anyone’s vagina), but I don’t want memories of a bunch of men in my bed or between my legs. I am not wired like that. I don’t like a lot of people in my space despite being a hardcore extravert. Furthermore, I am self-employed so I keep a tight schedule to maintain my work and personal lives.

Back on track, I can’t respect a man who doesn’t have self-control, patience, or self-discipline. I’ve had men tell me they are too aroused by my physical appearance that it’s impossible to interact with me until they get sex out of the way. It’s a turn-off for me when a man makes sexual advances without forming a real connection. I feel it is a waste of time to deal with a man on any level if all he cares about is an orgasm — seconds of pleasure. It’s scary. I have so much more to offer than just sex. I like high quality relationships. I was in a “no-expectation intimate situationship” with a man for years. It worked because we were deeply connected, never lied or played games, and we didn’t have rules or timelines for sex.

Okay, enough of that! The reason why hooking up really doesn’t work for me is because I know I am an incredible woman despite my unconventional mechanisms. Ha! I had to go there…Seriously, I really like “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Mine are ranked in this order:

Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, and Physical Touch.

Logically, if physical touch is my last intimate priority why would I make it my first step into an intimate relationship? I understand most men like physical affection and giving gifts to show their love or interest in women. Unfortunately, my brain, body, and spirit doesn’t understand a process in that order. My first 2 boyfriends ever had the gift of gab, which is my weak spot. I like a meeting of the minds. I married my 2nd boyfriend and even after we separated 4 years later, we still talked on the phone for 2 hours a day, 3 times a week.

Words of affirmation are important to me, and if man verbally beats me up and calls me crazy or says, “you’ll never have a man with that attitude” because I am (slow-to-warm) not able or ready to do what he wants. The relationship would contradict everything I believe in and want for myself. I like sincere words and kindness.

Basically, I have a high-level of self-awareness, and it would be ass-backwards of me to do the opposite of my internal motivations and natural needs. I don’t want to play with people’s emotions or give mixed signals. Everyday of the week a man is asking me for sex. I tell you the first man who wants to go to an investment seminar or wants to read a book to me can have it. Just playing!