Dating : Why I Pay for Every First Date

The subtle benefits of being a woman that pays on the first date and how it changed my dating life.

I’ve been on a decent number of dates- good dates, bad dates, meh dates, and everything in between. For my first date, we went to a miniature golf course and sculpture garden, it was lovely, and my date paid for the night.

Eventually I started to question why I had never paid for a date before. Was a free evening at dinner just a perk of being a woman? The thought made me uncomfortable. I decided I would officially be paying on my next first date. At the time, I didn’t consider this to be a radical decision, but it did completely change the way I date and find love.

Here are my top reasons that paying on the first date made me better at dating, and found me higher quality relationships:

1. You deserve to be an equal.

The first date I ever paid for, I snapped up the check as soon as it arrived at the dinner table. We had been having a pleasant date up to that point, and I was considering asking him out again. My date was surprised, he hadn’t even tried to reach out for the check, assuming that he would be footing the bill and that I wouldn’t reach for it at all.

I was expecting him to say, “oh thanks for grabbing the bill, I had a nice time tonight” or maybe “let’s go halvsies.” That was not the reaction I received. Instead, the former gentleman yelled at me and told me that he felt emasculated by a woman paying for his dinner.

So I paid for his dinner anyway, in part because it felt good to piss him off, but in part knowing that I had learned a lesson. I expect to be an equal in a relationship, and if a man can’t handle that I can pay for dinner once in a while, he definitely won’t be someone that sees me as an equal partner. I want to be strong and independent, and if that encroaches on my dates masculinity, it’s not a good fit.

I’ve weeded out a lot of bad seeds just by their reaction to a woman footing the bill.

2. Easier second dates

As poorly as the first date went, for some reason I wanted more. I continued to pay for first dates, and the majority of the reactions I got from men were positive. If they reacted positively, it was a green light to move forward to a second date.

More often than not, I got the reaction “thanks for grabbing the bill, lets go out again next week, this time on me.” It was as if me paying for the first date gave them the confidence to ask me out on a second date, where they offered to pay and even the score.

I’d never been asked on so many second dates before in my life. The weirdest part was that the second dates were good second dates (crazy, I know). As soon as I started being fearless in showing my strength and independence, men wanted more. I was also super attracted to men that proved to be non-misogynistic about the bill.

3. No expectations.

The freedom I found when I started paying for first dates was incredible. Suddenly the pressure to stay at the table to make small-talk after he paid the tab was gone. The pressure to go on a nice walk and kiss in the parking lot didn’t exist. I didn’t feel like I owed anyone anything.

There was zero pressure to make it back to his place to say “thank you.” I found myself in absolute control of how fast the relationship went, and what parameters I could set. There was no outside money or pressure making me feel obligated to please anyone but myself.

It even became easier to reject guys. I was suddenly more confident in saying “you know, I had fun tonight, but I don’t see this going anywhere long-term.” There was no obligation to go out again because I had paid for the first date. There was no little voice in my ear saying, “well, he paid for dinner, the least you could do is humor him and go out one more time.”

I had never even realized the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) pressure to bend to my dates every-desire existed. I had no idea this was an issue I was dealing with until the power-balance was removed. I felt free.

4. Quality over quantity.

I’ve already mentioned that I’m attracted to guys that see me as an equal partner. But paying on the first date did more than show me if we could be equals.

I started looking at dating profiles more closely and thinking is this someone I actually want to try dating? My standards before were too low. I would go on a date with almost anyone that asked me out. I had this nagging belief that if I guy could muster up the courage to ask me out- a challenging thing to do– the least I could do was go on a short date with him. One little date couldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. As always, quality over quantity.

5. The Reaction.

It is possible that I am somewhat addicted to the reaction I get when I pay on the first date. If you’re on a dinner date, the waiter will almost always place the bill just a few inches closer to the guy. So when I snap up the bill right from under their nose it usually leads to playful banter and laughter. It’s often an unexpected, yet pleasant surprise for your partner. I have a feeling it’s appreciated.

It’s also fun to get creative with date ideas. Grab a bottle of wine for a picnic, snag some happy hour drinks, or have a fun ice cream date. You can feel just as empowered for $7.00 as you can for $70.00, you don’t have to break the bank.