Dating : Why “It’s Normal to Argue” Is Damaging Relationship Advice

How do you define ‘broken’?

For me, something is only broken if it’s ruined beyond all hope of repair. I’ll usually only declare something broken after I’ve spent a good deal of time trying my best in vain to fix it. Sometimes, even when I know something is most certainly beyond repair, it can take time until I’m ready to truly accept it.

I once received a beautiful vase in the mail, which had been sent by a friend from their vacation. Sadly, the packing of the parcel had not been sufficient for the bumps along the journey, and I opened the wrapping to find the beautiful ceramic pot already fractured into several pieces. I was heartbroken. Even though it was quite clearly ruined beyond any hope of return to its original form, I was still tempted to reach for the superglue. It took a couple of days of lightly mourning the lovely vase that could have been before I was ready to resign hope and throw it away.

I like to think of myself as a fixer, and generally I’m a pretty tenacious person. I don’t give up at things easily, especially when my mind is set on succeeding. I like to think that if something was worth wanting in the first place, then it’s well worth overcoming some struggles to see it through. I’ve taken this approach with challenging tasks at work, as well as with DIY projects at home when it quickly became clear that I’d bitten off more than I could chew. Wasted effort frustrates me, and so I’d often rather pile extra time and resource into perfecting something that turned out to be much more difficult than I anticipated, rather than abandon it completely.

Unfortunately, I’ve often applied this same logic to relationships, with disastrous results.

When did we normalize stoicism as a part of love?

The idea that success follows struggle in romance is omnipresent in culture. It can be seen in many TV shows; we see characters have a blazing row and then make up again, all within a 35 minute episode. And then, the next week, the same thing will happen.

Once I got into my first romantic relationships, older family members and friends would console me when my significant other and I had a fight.
“It’s completely normal! Everyone argues sometimes!”
That part is true, but what about when sometimes becomes too often? Are we doing enough to challenge the notion that arguments simply must be an unavoidable aspect of so many relationships? By assessing why disagreements arise, we can identify mismatches which can be avoided with more suitable pairings. Just because it’s possible to live with a few fights here and there, doesn’t mean that we all should accept that arguing fairly frequently is unavoidable.

The sunk cost fallacy

Normalizing conflict and struggle in romantic relationships made me stay way longer than I should in some of them. Armed with the knowledge that disagreements and tension were normal aspects of love, I bravely stuck it out for another day, then week, then month, then year.

Once so much time had passed, it was impossible to think of leaving, because if I packed up without fixing the issues, then all that effort that I had already put into the relationship was for nothing. I’d made it so far, why wouldn’t I keep trying a little longer? It would be like throwing the towel in on that work project or DIY failure without trying on more fix. This is the sunk cost fallacy; the idea that previously invested resources provide a reason and justification to continue in a behavior.

In order to build healthy relationships, letting go of fantasy is imperative

In the past, I made the mistake of treating some relationships like my broken pot. Even though there were deep fractures which formed almost immediately, I allowed myself to be seduced by certain aspects of beauty and shine which had first captured my attention. This caused me to think that if I could just tweak one or two things, everything would be perfect.

But who wants a relationship where so much superglue is needed so often?