Dating : Why “Just Be Yourself” Is the Worst Dating Advice You Can Offer

It’s natural to be nervous before a date. You’re putting yourself out there. You’re about to be vulnerable. There’s the very real chance that you’re going to get rejected.

Perhaps you seek out advice from a friend. “What should I do?” you ask. “I’m super nervous about this date.”

“Just be yourself,” your friend replies.

“Thanks!” you say. “That’s a huge help!”

So you show up at the date wearing nothing but boxers and a bathrobe.

“What are we going to do?” your date asks.

“I thought we’d sit around all morning watching game shows and eating Ramen noodles, after all, that’s the truth about who I am. I hope you love me!”

As you watch your date drive away into the horizon you think, “The world is cruel, I showed my true self and got rejected!”

The world is cruel, but in this particular example you’re the one at fault.

Just be yourself is a cliché. It’s advice people give when they can’t think of anything else to say.

“Oh, love conquers all.”

“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

Love isn’t all that complicated. We all want to be respected. We all want to feel like we’re important. We all want to be around somebody who is attractive, clean, and smells good.

If you’re going on a date, your job is to be charming.

I know people whose default state is anything but charming. That’s not who they are. If these people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Above all, don’t be yourself because frankly ‘yourself’ is a pretty obnoxious and irritating human being.”

One side benefit of my honesty is that these people soon stop bugging me for advice.

To be clear, yes, every now and then you meet somebody where there’s an instant click and everything is easy. That happens. In fact, I’ve had it happen to me.

However, it only happened after I learned how to be charming on a date.

If being charming doesn’t come naturally to you, too bad. You have to learn how to do it. If you don’t come across as natural for the first couple dates, that’s fine. Keep practicing. Repeat it until you start behaving that way without even thinking about it.

Learning how to go on a date is a skill. Romance is a skill. You have to practice!

We often forget that marriage is a contract. If/when you get married, your person’s entire financial future will be tied to you.

That’s pretty serious when you think about it.

Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Whoa! Slow down there Tex! I’m not thinking of getting married! I just want to roll around a bedroom for a few hours!”

To that I reply, “You slow down smart guy! If somebody believes that a pairing with you will greatly improve their financial situation, that makes you sexy!”

If somebody seems like they have their life and finances in order, that is sexy. It may sound shallow, but it’s the truth. You might reply, “I love him for who s/he is, the money is just a bonus!” That’s not really true, because the money is a part of who that person is.

It’s no different to love a person for being rich than it is to not love an unemployed drug addict with a credit score of 1. Those are two points on the same spectrum.

Being attracted to someone who has their finances in order isn’t “shallow,” it’s the only way you’ll ever achieve personal stability. They don’t have to be rich, but they better be committed to prudent decisions.

When you show up for a date, you’re applying to the position of “life partner.” Put your mind in that head space.

Instead of thinking, “I need to find somebody who can see past the rough exterior to the beautiful person beneath,” you need to think, “I need to hide the rough exterior.”

That “rough exterior” is overrated. The whole “rough exterior” mythology is designed to justify abusive behavior.

“He’s so hard on me because deep down, he truly cares.”

Nonsense. That’s an abusive person. Anyone who doesn’t have the courtesy to present you with their best side is a loser you need to get away from.

You’d show up to a job interview looking your best and speaking your best. You’d be polite. You wouldn’t tell inappropriate jokes. That’s the way you need to act on a date.

Save the “real you” for yourself. The simple fact is that nobody wants to be around that person.

I’ve been married for twelve years. At the beginning of my marriage, I used to make compromises to avoid an argument. However, as the years have gone by I’ve come to realize that in many cases what I thought of as a compromise was really just adopting more courteous behavior.

For example, my wife didn’t approve of some of my friends. At first I thought she was being too harsh on them. But as the years have gone by, I came to realize that they actually were toxic people and I was better off without them. She didn’t push the issue though, she allowed me the space to see the truth for myself.

We all have to go through a process of maturation. One of the duties of your life partner is to hold up a mirror and allow you to better see the areas where you need to improve.

It’s possible for a young person to misinterpret character flaws as “part of who they are.” As you make progress on the road to maturity, you begin to understand that these flaws are holding you back from becoming the best version of you.

The world is a cruel and difficult place. In finding a romantic partner, you are trying to carve out an artificial corner of the universe where love and kindness are allowed to flourish.

Believe me, that takes constant effort.

Human beings are predators. Our eyes are in the front of our skulls to give us depth perception so we can target prey. That’s who we are.

A relationship takes constant effort. Every day, every minute, every second you need to give your life partner an idealized version of yourself. Work hard at it! Make yourself a little bit better every day.

One day, many years from now, your actions will have been repeated so many times that they will be irrevocably fused with your essential self. You’ll be the best version of you. Then, and only then, can you finally reasonably expect your partner to love you for who you are.

Until then, keep working. Remember, this is the person that you love. Don’t make them settle for anything less than your best!