Dating : Won’t Stop Loving You

I woke up, abruptly and without warning, for even I do not what took over me at that time. Faintly within my memory, I recalled being sucked into a bright light that engulfed after I had trespassed into a building. My head was pounding, and I had become nauseous. The sickness of whatever crime I had committed had paled in comparison to the effects of having been sucked through that damn light. The room around me had still been blurry and without definitive shape, for my eyes were adjusting to the new color of the room. All of my thoughts had left me, and I had entirely present in the moment. I could not retreat into them, and they had abandoned me at that time, leaving me completely susceptible to whatever force I had oppressed by. Because of these effects, it was no surprise that as I immediately attempted to regain my footing, I would stumble over myself and flail about like a drunkard. It was if I had been knocked out by a prizefighter in the 8th round, and I was desperately trying to get up so I didn’t get counted out. It took me several attempts to even stand up, and many times I had inadvertently thrown myself into many different objects in all my clumsiness. These objects, as they smashed to the ground, produced a cacophony of a distinct sound. If memory serves me right, they were mostly glass objects, with the occasional piece of jewelry; no doubt well-crafted and expensive. An odd thing to run into at the time, especially considering I had not considered the shop of be that of a jewelry store.

Eventually, after many repeated attempts to even stand up without stumbling over endlessly, I finally managed to regain my footing — and keep it! — even in the midst of my blurry vision. Blobs and splatters of colors had haunted my perception, and it was still impossible to render anything in the metaphysical sense. A faint fear had been manifested within my subconscious: what if I had been permanently blinded, and this was to become my new reality. It was an inking of a doubt, but it was one that appeared to have a stronger voice than it let on, for it began to influence my senses. I staggered and shifted as I slowly pulled up and back into my normal posture. In contrast to my fear, my vision had now begun to clear as the world became more defined to me. A temporary illusion of the world being more vivid ran through me as the notion of my perceived blindness dissipated at the sight of evidence; it had been nothing more than a hunch, anyways. My sense of balance was also back, and it came with a sense of stillness that I had prior to the incident. And so, here was I was, now having regained my stance, standing in this odd room. My earlier antics had caused a mess, as shown by the mountains of shattered glass that had now covered the floor, as well as the many different items that had been both submerged and placed on top of all the glass, such as clothing, accessories, and even some leftover food, of which gave off a delectable smell. That same food had somehow managed to not lose many of its contents, but even then, it looked so scrumptious that, had I been a peasant of poverty, would have picked it up and ate it right then and there. It was the same hunger that I experienced for women, and I got my filling everyday. You were a snack, and not a particularly tasty one, for you paled in comparison to the buffet of women that I had access to. The most I would give you is that you were a desert, for you were peculiarly sweet, and one that allowed me to cheat on my diet of occasional abstinence.

Snapping myself out my self-imposed trance, I regained my senses and begun to take account of my situation. Up until now, I had walked into a dilapidated building, walked around, opened a door, and had now suddenly found myself in another room, delirious and semi-conscious. This had all been because of my curiosity, which had apparently let me trapped in a situation of which I could not easily escape. If I were a more superstitious man, I would say that you were playing a trick on me out of revenge for what I done to whilst you were still living; an elaborate method of punishing me for any transgressions against you. However, I digress. Anyhow, the room I found myself had been … peculiar, to say the least. Aside from the grotesque amount of jewelry and glass objects that had been present within the room, even beyond the ones that had shattered, there lay within that room an odd presence that seemed to be watching me. I recall that it was omniscient and omnipresent, like God had been there with me. He had not spoken to me directly, but I knew that He wanted to tell me something of vital importance. The seriousness the message conveyed would’ve been personified by the decor of the room: with its sultry red walls and crystal white tiles, with an exquisitely crafted chandelier hanging above, and several lamps lighting the room. It was fairly small — no bigger than a bedroom! — and yet it felt as if I had stepped into a mansion. Those same glass objects I crashed into had now disappeared outright; they merely vanished, like a ghost in the wind! I do not remember the exact time they had went away, for I had been too preoccupied with recuperating, although it looks as if the operation had taken place in a swift manner. There was nothing else in the room but another door, incredibly similar to the one that had opened to this room.

At this point, I had become more fearful of what was to happen; although I managed to act against my fear, it was now beginning to overtake me. Any prank that was being played had lost its humor, and it was now beginning to grow tiresome. My hands had become clammy, and a lump in my throat showed itself. I had started to shiver and shake, and the same nausea I had rid myself of had now come back to be in a particularly nasty bout. I immediately thought of how to get back; I had wanted out, and any curiosity I had left was not worth the danger. I called out again: “Hello?! Hello?! Please, is anyone there?!” Nothing. Only the sound of my voice reverberating throughout the room. My loneliness had gotten to me, although this was nothing new to me. I had come to understand my solitude, and accept it. Even if I had been present with others at the time, they most likely would have been of no use, for they would’ve been even more nervous and fearful than I was. Plus, I would’ve had to deal with their incessant chattering and panicking; I’ve already been annoyed enough in my life, especially by you. With that being said, I was only met with silence as I now stood to face the same door that leads to the unknown. Looking behind me revealed that there had been no door; it was completely enclosed off. Escape was not an option. A daunting prospect, considering that part of me wanted to continue onward and see just what the building had to offer. I knew that what I had been experiencing was not desirable, but I also knew that any desirable outcome in this instance had now been rendered moot. I calculated the risks, and realized that there was choice but to go forward, since no other path had been left open to me. My fear had steadily taken over me, but I knew then that if there was any chance of getting out of this predicament intact and with my sanity, that I would have to risk my wellbeing and general safety.

Not that I didn’t mind; as much as I’m exaggerating the emotions I felt at the time, it was oddly exciting, for it had been the sense of adventure that I was never able to find in seducing women. Admittedly, your passing was another catalyst in my pressing concerns of settling down and getting out of the game; I had already at this point had affairs with over a thousand women of many different races, ethnicities, and backgrounds. Men’s wives, maids under the employment of the Master, nurses, secretaries, lawyers, sports-girls, and even royalty and, on one passionate night of lust and pleasure, a Queen-in-training. However, this life ultimately brought me nothing but trouble, now that I think about it. Before I met you, I had been subjected to many notable incidents, one of which included being shot at by one of the wives’ husbands with a shotgun and nearly being pummeled to death by that gigantic hulking beast of a man, whose daughter just so happened to be the cute secretary that I couldn’t help but try to win over. That is to say nothing of my notoriety and reputation, which has painted me as a womanizer, a modern Casanova, a degenerate of society who lives only for pleasures of the flesh. Both a slanderous and libelous accusation, for it was never the woman nor her flesh that motivated me, but the thrill of the hunt, the feeling of having been able to attain that which is thought to be unattainable, and do the things that other — rather — most men simply cannot do. Those days were full of adventure, and the times I had in getting rejected and ushered off by the authorities were more enjoyable than even some of the other pursuits I had in my life at the time. Coupled alongside the feeling of youth and vigor, I had felt as if I could conquer the entire world. Life back then had been more exciting, and although there were moments of despondency littered in between — especially after a particularly nasty breakup with a former flame — I believed that the future was bright. However, with age comes wisdom, and with knowledge comes solemness, and so I eventually began to tire of the sport; sure it was fun, but age was catching up with me, and the women just didn’t seem to be as appealing as they were before. Plus, I had been come over with a desire for wanderlust, and not simply lusting after women; the world called out to me, and I finally wanted to see it.

You, however, acted as an impediment to my plans, for I had never intended to seduce you to begin with; it was your father, on that fateful winter day, who said to me: “My good man, please, oh please, take my daughter’s hand in marriage!” This had been after weeks of grueling family gatherings and gifts exchanged on behalf of both families: in a sense, it had been Machiavellian, for it would benefit my family and our holdings more, especially considering that your family had key access to a crucial deposit of minerals and resources that would’ve increased our profits, and made our shareholders all the more wealthier. Your family also possessed favor with many several politicians and members of the Court; if I were a more skeptical man, I would say that you father had been used to this type of rapport building. A selfish man, he would use others to his own advantage, and temporarily swallow his pride in order to successfully attain his goals; a hungry demon that knew that any true battle of wits was always won in advance, and that emotions had no place in not only in the game of business, but in the game of life. You complained to me incessantly about him: he was harsh, he was mean, he was a cruel son-of-a-bitch (don’t let your frail mother hear you said those awful words) who always coddled you yet cared more of his work than you or your mother, this and that said in a flurry of tears and anguish. To be frank, I only pretended to care about your problems; I’d solve them more easily in bed, anyways.

If I recall correctly, your father took an immediate liking to me; he saw me as, in his words, “the perfect man, one who is sadly lost in these times.” Oh, how ignorance is a bliss, for if he were to find out the true nature of our marriage, and the story behind my past, he would have to send his men to break my legs and chop of my tongue! He would’ve been livid, and, in all of his hypocrisy, grieved over his poor innocent daughter, who had her virginity stolen from her by this derelict whom was merely a faker of trust and rapport! He would come to acknowledge your suffering, and take the steps to ensure that nothing like that ever happened again. However, such a notion would never come into fruition, for I had played my cards carefully, and bided my time well. I had become dastardly patient, akin to a snake waiting for the right time to pounce on his prey. Ironically, you were not the most difficult woman to seduce, but rather the most tedious one. I had caught your heart, and toyed with it as much as I want … and yet I could not have you, for I knew that your father would doubt my intentions if I made a misstep in my demeanor. As such, I would have to restrain myself like a monk, and use my big head — not my little one! — in order to finally attain the life of leisure I had been searching for. As soon as I had the opportunity within my grasp, I was quick to ensure that I would not squander it, for it would be my chance to finally escape all the problems of the world; it was my savior, and my angel, and I would do absolutely anything to obtain it, even if it meant I had to ultimately settle for a woman like yourself. My ego was sorely disappointed at the notion, although he was excited at the prospect of newfound influence and power, which he would dine on until he was more than full. He had controlled my life until now, and even allowed me to get past that period of time, when I, a man of pride, experienced guilt and remorse for my actions. I had been deluded by religion and its idiocy, and I desperately tried to become a more “spiritual” being; a folly on my behalf, for I won’t let God and whatever lies he crafted to influence my morality, nor would I allow myself to be caught spouting such dribble. I’m not as adamant about it as I was in my youth, although a part of me believes that such morality gave me happiness, even if was as a result of my own stupidity and inhibition.

Anyhow, the courtship had progressed swiftly; there was not a hindrance or impediment to be found, and I became married to you sometime in the summer. That night of bliss we shared was memorable … for me, at least. The sex was mediocre, but it had been one of the best experiences I had ever had, for I would not only be able to enjoy any and all of my pursuits and leisures without fear of destitution, but I could get even more women than I had in the past. All of my struggles, all of my experience, all of the tireless nights of going home alone and all the rejections I had, all led up to that moment in time, in which I would no longer go hungry, nor would I be without want; I had finally made it to the class of nobility and wealth, and cast off the chains of my earlier poverty, which had plagued me my entire life. My arrogance and hubris at that time disgusted even me, but it was well worth it, although I wonder how you felt at the time, I imagine you were too engrossed in your pleasure to even notice. You had always been oddly perceptive, even in our youth; I couldn’t even begin to imagine what you felt when you saw me blatantly going after other women, and yet I couldn’t care less what you thought. It had been this way since the beginning of our marriage, and yet nothing ever changed; no one noticed, and you were too afraid to speak up, for it would be a losing effort, one that would surely damage your reputation, and have you branded as a manipulator. I had convinced everyone of my supposed innocence and honor, and although my reputation as a libertine had already been prevalent around the town that I occupied, your father believed that I was truly the best man for his daughter. Your brother, on the other had, was very much suspicious of me and my past; he had the nerve to not only confront me about my intentions, but also publicly state that he was against the marriage, much to the chagrin of your family. He called me a degenerate, and told me outright that if I had ever done anything to hurt his beloved sister, that he would “make me pay with blood and bone.” As much as I wanted to charge his account with the transaction, I swallowed my pride and smiled as I told him that I had changed for the better. He looked at me in a judgmental way, almost as if he could tell that I was lying to him; that man may have been more clever than I took him for. I particularly remember the look of disgust and hatred he gave me at the funeral; I couldn’t help but smirk at him, for I had caught him in web of my own crafting. He was powerless against me, and he knew that if he tried anything, he would be stripped of his wealth and disowned from the family. Satisfying, but I digress.

Anyhow, here I was, now confronted with the prospect of moving forward, for I had no other choice to do so. The now empty room, which was once filled to the brim with glass objects and other assorted objects, stood in front of me, and yet, despite it being very much small and unassuming, felt as if I was directly facing a monstrosity of an insurmountable proportion. An odd thing to say, but at the time, it felt as if I was on trial for whatever sins I had committed, although it was only me in that room. The same fear that I had suppressed within me had now begun to surface once again; it had been waiting for a chance to show itself again, and thus revealed itself to me once more, intending to control my movements and inhibit my will. I couldn’t blame it, nor myself at the time, for what I had faced was something completely foreign to me. At the time, I had questioned whether or not I had still been dreaming; after all, the effects of that light was still present, and the lucidity of what I perceived had begun to take its toll on my sanity. However, my logical mind corrected me in an adamant manner: “Of course it is not a dream, you fool! You are merely tired, that is all.” I heard him speak to me in a loud voice, as if he wanted to wake me up, and ensure that I did not fall into madness. He was a steady and consistent force of resistance of mine all throughout my life, and he did not disappoint this time around. I had now broken out into a cold sweat, and my once slightly sweaty hands had now grown into puddles at the thought of moving forward. My legs were shaking, and my heart was pounding. A slight headache had begun to surface, although I was able to suppress it by simply focusing on the door ahead of me. Mustering up what little courage I had left in me, I ultimately shut off any resisting thoughts and notions that were active within my mind, and resolved to continue forward; perhaps the supposed dream I was in would end soon enough, and I would be able to move on and onto the rest of my life.