Dating : You’re Nobody Until Somebody Loves You

After I posted about walking away from a connection that wasn’t for me, I reflected on a couple of things I had written, and on that very real discomfort and fear I feel when I walk away from people. Even though I have never walked away from the wrong person, or regretted walking away from anyone.

It is just like walking into the unknown though, and it hurts. Despite my knowing that always, always, it is for the best.

We’re taught that connections — specifical connections to men — are where women can learn the most about themselves, gain access to a bunch of social benefits from their closeness to the man, and generally be in a place of real love and acceptance having finally reached their goals in life. Because to have a man is the ultimate goal, right? Try not to vomit. You know what I am talking about.

I see it in the way people talk to me about how I’ll find someone (ew) or the way girls who have even the most mediocre — not to mention oftentimes abusive — partners look at me, talk to and about me, and generally are around me.

Having a man is not an achievement. It is not an accomplishment. It is oftentimes not even something to be proud of.

But society continues to reward women for heterosexual relationships with men, and condemn those who walk away from connections that don’t work. Or those that do not seek out those connections in the first place.

Because we believe that a woman without a (male) partner is incomplete. I did talk about Adam, Eve and his rib in the last post, but it goes a little deeper than that still.

Every pop song is written about love, loving, or being loved. Or, about the heartbreak when things don’t work out. Yes, there are genuine heartbreaks in the world, but as I experienced with the guy who I walked away from, the fear of the unknown — and the fear of being alone potentially forever — is far worse to us than a temporary discomfort of having to say no, thank you.

Every movie has a romantic sub-plot. Because the movie would be incomplete without one. Often the romantic subplot is just ‘these two were next to one another, now they’ll kiss’, really not adding anything at all to the story.

I could probably come up with a bunch of other examples beyond movies and music, and could probably tell you again and again dear reader about how much of a joke all of this is. About how this is designed to keep women compliant and servile because the bastard you know —

I am still only halfway through working through this, and I get frustrated because every time I smile and talk about my accomplishments, the wonderful life I have built myself, someone is always going to put me down for not having found someone to abuse — sorry, to love me.

I can get away from this BS on an intellectual level, it is proving difficult to get past on an emotional level, so much so that it impacts even the way I interact as a single person. But, I am doing the work.

If you’re reading this and also feel the struggle please, please drop your comments below. I need some solidarity right now. Thank you.