Eros, Agapê, Philia: the 3 faces of love
Each love feels like no other. In line with the Greek philosophers, shrinks nonetheless identify three typical profiles of the state of love, in which we can all recognize ourselves.
To speak of love is to associate physical desire, exchange and complicity. Yet love comes in an infinite number of nuances: fusion, reason, dependence, hatred … But always the same mechanism is at work: « It is in the relationship with the mother that we find the matrix of ‘love that we will then privilege ”, explains Didier Lauru, psychoanalyst. Our adult behaviors are an opportunity to prolong – or repair – the experiences lived in the very first moments of childhood. What do the different ways of loving have in common?
The idealization of the other and the devaluation of oneself. Blinded by emotions, we adorn our partner with all the qualities that we often think we lack. Hence the expression « to fall in love »: one goes down a few steps and one installs the other on a pedestal. “It is self-esteem that first falls,” explains Didier Lauru. Then? “Everything is a question of degrees” – of idealization, of denarcissization, of dependence on the other – which, according to specialists, determine three major love profiles: Eros; its opposite, Agape; and Philia.
Eros: Passionate love
The heart races, excitement alternates with fear, physical desire is insatiable, lack obsesses us from the first separations. Our benchmarks are jostled, we get lost a bit. This state is specific to the romantic encounter. « What guides us towards a relationship is first of all the desire for exaltation and this opportunity offered by the partner to live more intensely, » explains Claude-Marc Aubry, psychologist. This partner is then experienced less as a subject than as an object. « Support object of our lacks and our fantasies of an ideal love, object responsible for filling our emotional lacks … The intensity and duration of this passionate state vary according to the strength of its projections on the other. “It lasts between six months and two years,” adds Claude-Marc Aubry.
After? « He has changed », « I no longer recognize her », we are surprised to say. “The reality of the other always ends up imposing itself in our eyes. Either we accept it and we enter into another type of relationship, or we are incapable of it and the disappointment, therefore the suffering, is irreversible. We can then switch to hatred: the heightened emotions remain, but change poles. Or in addiction: “Without it, I feel empty”, “Without it, I am nothing. »Remaining in the state of object, the partner becomes essential to live.
To love with passion is to discover in oneself an ability to experience emotions of which the intensity was unknown, and to break with a daily life that is sometimes poor in emulation. Passionate love has beneficial and instructive virtues for and on oneself, but, because it is founded on narcissism and egocentricity, it cannot be the only basis for building a true relationship for two. Which is only possible on condition of being able to really look at the other: it is by deciding to appreciate his partner with his faults and his qualities, but also by regaining consciousness of what one is, oneself, outside of the couple, that we can slip from an unreasoning passion to a more constructive and appeased love.
For further
Madness of love, by Didier Lauru (Calmann-Lévy)
Happy in love, by Claude-Marc Aubry (Flammarion)
Agape: Love-friendship
As much as passionate love encourages withdrawal into oneself and into the couple, this love-friendship invites one to open up to the outside world. We are accomplices, we understand each other, we listen to each other, we are interested in each other and in the world … And, suddenly, this a priori unambiguous friendship is transformed: looks change, desire changes. ‘installed. According to Didier Lauru, “this moment corresponds to a moment of idealization of the other which, very often, coincides with the one when one feels – or believes oneself – loved by him. This « intuition » makes you want to indulge in romantic feelings hitherto inhibited by a lack of self-confidence or by the fear of perverting the friendship. The romantic relationship is then based on solid foundations: those which had led to friendship, from sharing a common passion to very strong communication.
A turn without skidding? Not always. According to Didier Lauru, “the relationship that prevailed until now is forgotten in favor of a new meeting in love mode. “We lose our memory”… Proof that love, even the most “calm” and progressive, is always a little pathological! »
Can this Agape love be found in all relationships? “Yes,” replies Claude-Marc Aubry, “we can quite consider that sexual friendship is a definition of“ good love ”. « Good », because to dependence, this love opposes the attachment nourished by an understanding developed over time and shared experiences. The only “possible drift”: caught up in perfect mutual knowledge, the partners no longer feel any curiosity or need to seduce each other. Emotional warmth sets in, at the risk of weariness and the desire to find strong « sensations » elsewhere …
Philia: Deep love
It is love combining desire and reason: we know how to live “free together”, we love each other, but we do not belong to each other. « Deep love begins with the awareness of what the other really is, far from fantasies », explains Claude-Marc Aubry. Love says « mature » or « enlightened », « it supposes a good understanding of oneself and of the other, but also of knowing how to thwart the traps and mechanisms which bind us to the past and which lead to dependence. The imaginary suggested by the feelings of love does not prevent us from seeing the reality of the other, nor that of the couple. And the idealization of the partner narcissizes us rather than making us lose confidence in ourselves.
Sylvie Bellaud-Caro recalls that this love brings together three elements: me, the other and the relationship. “There can be harmony, conflict, joy, sadness… whatever. What is fundamental is that the two partners remain independent and then come together in the couple to nourish them with projects, desires and experiences to share. »
But how can you tell the difference between an « I love you deeply » and a « I love you passionately »? « Reflecting on the intensity of his feelings », answers the therapist: do I miss him to the point that, without him, I feel like I no longer exist? Or just because I would like to share this moment, this conversation with him? “Attachment is not addiction. It is respect that makes the difference: self-respect – listening to your own desires, not forgetting yourself for the other – and respect for the other. If the word respect does not echo our romantic ideals, it will nevertheless quickly establish itself as the best safeguard for love.
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