how to recognize and transform it?
A dressing relationship – also called buffer relationship – can do good when you get out of a breakup. It allows you to move on faster, to forget the pain …
A dressing relationship is when we gets back together quickly after a breakup, while we have not mourn the previous relationship. Unconsciously we are looking for someone to soothe this unbearable pain.
But then we risk suffering even more, when we realize that it does not work in the long term, and we can make the other who is ready to fall in love suffer. The relation can also be used for the purpose of make his ex jealous.
In short, it is not a priori a relationship with a healthy base. But anything can be transformed. Below are 5 signs to recognize a dressing relationship, and how to turn it into lasting love.
How to recognize a dressing relationship?
Your new partner is the twin, or the opposite of your ex
When you have just experienced a painful breakup, you know what you want to keep, and conversely what you no longer want.
If you’re still in love with your ex, you’re probably going to be attracted to someone who reminds you of your ex : facial features, activities, tastes etc.
Or if you have been through a trauma with your ex, you will look for the opposite in your new partner, to be sure not not relive the same thing. For example your ex would party all the time with his friends, and spend very little time at home. So you got together with someone who is very homey and rather introverted.
These attractions are quite normal. However it becomes unhealthy if your new partner only serves you keep the memory of your ex alive, or reassure you on the market potential partners (“Phew, they’re not all like that!”).
You still think about your ex a lot
By the way, when talking about your ex, he still runs through your mind very often… You can’t help but “slap” him on social networks and keep in touch with him.
And when you think of him, it’s with again a lot of emotions : anger, nostalgia, jealousy etc. The photos on Instagram showing him with other women are painful to bear.
It’s okay to think about your ex sometimes when you start a new relationship. But if you know deep inside that your heart is still hanging on to it, you are not surely not yet ready to commit in a serious new story.
Dressing relationship: you can’t formalize the relationship …
You don’t really know what attracts you to Anthony. You like spending time with it, but as soon as it catches fire, you quickly put it back in its place.
Deep down, you know you’re not ready to commit, but you don’t want to hurt her. But you know Anthony is only there to help you forget Alex, because the very thought of starting your life over with someone else makes you nauseous.
Be careful not to use your new partner in a selfish way, because no one deserves this… Try to be as transparent as possible about your feelings.
… Or conversely, you don’t take your time
With Zoe it’s obvious: she’s the woman of your life, you really fell in love with her. It corresponds to everything you are looking for in a woman: kindness, gentleness, femininity, generosity etc. So why wait? You have been looking for that rare gem for months, and you have finally found it! You want to spend all of your time with her.
So you introduced him to your daughter, you planned a romantic weekend next week, have already found the area of your next apartment and the names of your 3 children. With all this commitment that you show her, Zoe cannot leave …
It’s okay to want to go fast in a relationship. But it gets unhealthy when we go fast to be sure that the other does not leave : we call it affective dependance.
You are addicted
That’s it, it’s official, all your relatives are aware! You can no longer imagine your life without him / her, this very possibility makes you angry.
A dependent relationship can last a long time, if one or both partners absolutely want it to work, regardless of issues and incompatibilities. You gradually imprison the other in your golden prison of love.
But if there is no freedom, there cannot be lasting love. Your partner must feel that he / she can leave if he / she wants to. In any case, it is not your commitment or your outpouring of love that would prevent it. Therefore free yourself from your emotional dependence before the other suffocates in it…
A dressing relationship is defined by the fact that the mourning of the old relationship is not yet over, and therefore the new relationship is not created on a sound basis.
But good news! If you are in a dressing relationship, there are actions you can take to improve your odds and turn that relationship into lasting love.
How to turn a dressing relationship into lasting love
End the mourning of your previous relationship
Certainly a new relationship can allow you to move on faster. « I can finally forget Juliette when I meet a new woman ».
But it’s hard to project yourself into a new relationship when you’re still attached to the previous one. It’s better to leave some time alone, or at least take the time to feel all the emotions linked to bereavement, without systematically repressing them: denial, anger, sadness (see the stages of mourning in How to get over a breakup).
Transforming a dressing relationship: calming your emotional dependence
Ah, this concept of emotional dependence is really upsetting us! 😀 We would like to get out of dependence on the other, but it’s stronger than us, we cling to him like an oyster to his rock.
But a relationship cannot last in a healthy way in addiction, because then there is no more freedom.
We only want to spend time with someone when we know we have chosen to do so, that we have the freedom to leave if we wish. Unconditional love as a couple does not exist, and so much the better. It is by being aware of this that we make efforts to maintain this love on a daily basis, and that we never take the other for granted.
Live the moment as much as possible
What creates good memories in a relationship are the times when both people live in the present moment, where they enjoy what they have in the moment, without regretting the past or worrying about the future.
In order not to self-sabotage your new relationship, your best bet is to cherish what you are going through in the present, without being in constant comparison with your ex (past) or making plans for the future. If you make plans when you’ve just met, you risk trapping yourself in a vision where you both lose your freedom to choose. Whereas when we have just separated, we need freedom, naturally. So the new relationship should not be imprisoning.
Work on tolerance
If you are coming out of a long relationship with deep-rooted habits, you will have to you open to change. Just because you go to the movies every Sunday night with Justin doesn’t mean that this habit is going to suit David.
Conclusion: dressing relationship
It is by leaving your comfort zone that you open up to the alternative, that you discover new things. Don’t expect anything in your new relationship, don’t insist on being the same as in the past. Enjoy the flavor of novelty, cherish the discovery, to take advantage of this dressing relationship and transform it into a new lasting love!
And to make this man want to commit with you, you can download the free guide “Beginning of a relationship: the 16 mistakes to avoid”.
And you, have you ever experienced a dressing relationship? 😊
Marie, your Love Mentor
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