POF : One of my requirements in a partner has gotten me a lot of hate mail. Is this really that bad?
On my profile I mentioned that I’m not interested in meeting anyone fresh out of an abusive relationship. I even provide a website one can go to if they’ve been a victim of domestic violence to get help.
I’ve experienced lots of dates off POF where at one point during the date it’s explained to me that their previous relationship was full abuse, some of these relationships went on for several years, the most recent date told me it went on for 15 years. And 100% of the time, a person who tells me they just came from an abusive relationship will go right back to the abuser. I’m not exaggerating that precentage, it’s literally every person I’ve dated who is fresh out of an abusive relationship that ends up going back to the abuser.
According the the domestic violence hotline’s website it takes on average of seven break-ups to fully get away from an abusive partner. So statistically every person I meet who just left their abusive partner is due to go back.
So after several dating relationships ending this way I finally made it a deal breaker for me, and put on my profile that I’m not interested in meeting anyone fresh off a break-up with an abusive person.
This has caused me to get a torrent of hate mail from other POF users. Some accusing me of being just as bad as an abuser for rejecting someone for something that’s not their fault. But to me it has nothing to do with who’s fault it is, and more about the fact that I am tired of being the temporary person that is there until you go running back to your abusive partner.
Do you think that it’s really that bad for me to make this a deal breaker? If so then I’m starting to think POF might not be a good place for me to find dates if my preferences piss people off that much.
By. jedi1josh
Nah. Makes sense to me. You’re allowed to have your dealbreakers. It’s shitty that people go out of their way to mess with you for it, but part of having dealbreakers is sticking up for your beliefs and being okay with turning some people off. They wouldn’t be dealbreakers if you weren’t passionate about them.
Strange as I often see profiles with stuff like ‘no mental exes’, ‘nobody who still thinks about their ex’ or ‘I dont want to hear about your ex’.
Rather than listing this in your profile and hoping abuse victims will weed themselves out, maybe take a different tack and screen those you talk to better before meeting them in person? I understand you’re trying to save yourself some work here, but it doesn’t seem as though it’s working… it’s just getting you a whole other set of responses you don’t want.
I dont think it’s the idea, it might be the way its worded is all. I think it’s a reasonable request that the person you are going to go out with is at least a little emotionally available right now and that you dont want to the be their first step towards that.
What ? you have standards ? Well that is just unfair to women, you are being chauvinistic pig.
Just ignore their replies and delete. You have a standard, they need to meet it. It’s no different than an attractive person stating they only want to date other attractive people.
I personally wont date separated women. Divorce, even if that takes years, then date. I’ve literally had one approach me asking if I would find it uncomfortable if her separated ex, who still lives in the same home in a different room, might be around. If separated, they havent ended it yet even if only officially. She could go back in a night of regret to her ex. She hasnt 100 percent finished her old relationship.
As for abused that return again and again to their abusers, it’s a similar condition to those that are captive by terrorists. Theres a name for it (cant recall) where the victim bonds with their abuser. It take serious therapy to break.
You’re not the asshole for having a realistic standard and request.
Were you afraid to dominate in the bedroom after discovering your partners came out of an abusive relationship?
I would try to stay positive on your profile. Write about what you are looking for in a relationship, not what you aren’t. You might have to spend more time weeding out the women who are coming out of abusive relationships, but you won’t have to deal with hate mail. You’re also more likely to find someone who you’ll like, because having a disclaimer about how you’re not interested in women from abusive backgrounds, with a hotline number, does sound kind of jerkish and could be a turnoff to women who would otherwise be interested in you.
I totally agree with you, my pasted x all she did was talk about her abusive x. I told her to stop talking to him, he did all this to you yet you still talk with him. It get tiring really quickly and really hurts emotionally. So I agree with you on putting that on there.
Most women on pof are fresh out of these and that is why they never reply back to any message a guy sends them i just deleted the app i can’t deal with the endless messages i send out and get no reply.
I’d just remove it from your profile. I have *many* deal-breakers that I don’t mention in my profile. If I were being honest, I could write a thick book of a profile about what I »m not looking for, but it wouldn’t serve me ultimately.
you may have less reprehensible responses on different dating apps. seems pof has been in the shit hole for quite some time now lol.