Stages of mourning – Laly fondation
Steps
1 – Shock and denial
The person is shocked when they hear of the loss.
Shock is an unconscious defense mechanism against a situation that a person thinks they cannot handle. During this phase the person denies the information received, thinks that he is dreaming and does not bear to be brought back to reality, the pain being unbearable.
The person in shock is no longer able to perform the simplest tasks and basic decisions.
2 – Pain and guilt
At this stage, the bereaved realizes that the loss is real.
It is a chaotic and frightening phase because the person feels intense psychic pain. Some people need the help of medication or compensate with alcohol.
Pain sometimes causes the bereaved to feel guilt, to see themselves as responsible for the loss.
3 – Anger
Anger reflects the legitimate feeling of injustice that the person feels about what has happened to him. She sometimes unconsciously chooses to deflect this anger onto someone identified as responsible for the loss.
The heightened awareness of the loss causes the person to suffer loudly. This form of expression of pain is important and helps to relieve it.
4 – Bargaining
During this phase, the person tries to minimize the loss. She would like to imagine another scenario, a way to reverse the situation or to compensate for it. The grieving person feels frustrated and sometimes blames others for the loss.
Even though in the majority of cases this blame is not justified, the suffering person is not in a state to understand it and accept this reality.
It is a time of great vulnerability.
5 – Depression and pain
Here, the person accepts the loss and its consequences appear concretely.
Depression, loss of morale, the grieving person is in despair and behaves passively. Unfortunately, some people stop at this point …
In fact, this depression is a sign of psychological improvement in the face of grief. It is a structuring moment in the grieving process.
6 – Reconstruction
This is a phase during which the depressed person opens up again to others and accepts activities, in order to escape the pain. Here begins the reconstruction process. The grieving person is looking for ways to get out of their grief.
This step initiates the next step; acceptance.
7 – Acceptance
We come to the last step described. The person accepts the fact that reality cannot be changed. It is a period of peace, where she allows herself to live without the other and to make plans for the future.
Other steps have been described. In the literature reviewed, one author particularly touched us. This is the priest and psychologist Jean Monbourquette[ii], a leading specialist in the support of bereaved people, who describes mourning in 7 stages:
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