Dating : I Failed My Driving Test Five Times

Luckily, the London transport system is a sleepless monster, so I got away with not having a driver’s license pretty easily. However, the standard of living in London can be very low for some (me), so I didn’t get away with having a very broken, grief-stricken and sad mind.

It crumbled eventually and the downward spiral, finally and thankfully, ended. The engine aboard my little raft of despair had finally chugged to a moment of pure exhaustion and collapse. An era in my life was over.

The maiden voyage of a new era had begun toward a place of spiritual quietude. Watch-towers of hope slowly began to appear on the horizon, burning bright and guiding me forth with burgeoning optimism, calcifying in my bones.

Order in my life was slowly beginning to build as I returned home to Ireland and began studying at thirty-years-old.

A year of successful academia flew by and the summer arrived. My list of goals to be achieved under the blue Irish sky was to; get accepted into University, buy a car, and pass my driver’s test. It was time to climb back in behind the wheel.

A few weeks into the summer I got an email saying I had been accepted into my course, the following week I bought my car.

The following week, AGAIN, the lessons began…

This time, I was going to do the test in my own car. I paid for five lessons and focused on the task at hand.

It was very hard to feel optimistic about passing the test. Leaving every lesson feeling slightly dejected, feeling slightly hopeless and preparing myself for another fail. Another,

“Unfortunately not this time, just another few lessons and you should be fine”…

The night before the test I drove the test routes by myself for a few hours. Driving through the large multi-lane roundabouts and meticulously following the method I had been advised to use. I felt a little better, but nonetheless, failure felt more viable than success.

My friend asked me how I was doing with the lessons one day,

“Ah… I dunno man… Not feeling very good about them, just preparing myself for another failure”

“No man! It’s a new era!”

On the morning of the test those words rang through my head… It’s a new era… It is a new era! Maybe I can do it. I remained calm, dotted all my i’s and crossed all my t’s.

“Richard Gordon”, a lady tester called me into her office. She seemed warm and welcoming. A first for me. I answered her questions and I did just fine. So far so good.

“Now, once you’re happy with your mirror positions and you’re in a satisfactory driving position, I’d like you to exit the car park and turn right”

May the battle commence.

Rear view, wing mirror, indicate right, stay within the lane and make the turn…

“At the roundabout can you take the second exit — straight ahead”…

Position in the correct lane, stay observant, mirror checks, indicate…

We went through the manoeuvres and they all went well. She wasn’t jotting away on her notepad at all. Things were going smooth — almost too smooth.

With a short bit of the test left I began smiling to myself, can this be happening, am I about to pass? This feels effortless!

Snap out of it, Richard! It’s not over yet. Keep your eyes on the ball, the final whistle hasn’t blown yet!

We cruised through the final junctions with ease and I felt like I hit every mark. We pulled back into the test centre and I parked up.

“Now, if you’d like to follow me back into the office I’ll give you your result”.

I was smiling. I could feel it. It was about to happen, surely she isn’t going to fail me!!!

“Well done on a brilliant test, you passed”.

The elation rose like a tidal wave inside my being. Thirteen-years since my first test, thirteen years of having a cloud over my head and thirteen-years of frustration — finally extinguished. Like the last licking flame of a wildfire finally got hosed with water, and then all the rain fell at once and cooled off a decade of scorched landscape…

Relief! Oh glorious relief…

My head fell to her desk and rested on my forearms. I was smiling ear to ear. She started laughing. I rose my head up and said,

“You know I’ve failed this five times before!”

“What???”, she was gobsmacked.

“This means more than you know, thank you so much!”

I walked out of there feeling jelly muscles and heart fizz. I sat in my front seat and took a breather. Eventually I started to cry. Eventually I started the car and I sobbed all the way home. Life had come full circle, but not by accident, it took many years of anguish and many years rebuilding from the fire of anguish, but it happened, I was here, where I wanted to be for so long and where I believed at times was impossible.

A sadness swept over me too when I started thinking about my family and that blank card my mother had for me all those years ago. I wanted to call them and tell them I finally passed. See, I’m not a total screw up, I did it!

The potential you saw in your boy is still there, Mom.