Dating : At what point should I (32m) divulge my sexual assault?
A few years ago I was raped by a man I’d started seeing. I don’t want to go into a lot of details, but it was very nasty, came with a HIV scare, and has seriously impacted my life and personality.
Now I’d like to start dating again and feel ready to meet men again. But I’m still struggling with the consequences of being assaulted. I get panic attacks, I have intrusive thoughts, and there are sexual situations that still frighten me. I’ve seen a counsellor and have been doing a lot of work on myself to heal, but this is a long process that can take years. But I don’t want my life to stay on pause in the meantime.
As I start dating, though, when should I be upfront about what happened to me? At some point my date is going to wonder why I haven’t been in a relationship for four years. And even if not, at some point they are going to need about the problems I have in bed and at night.
I don’t want to frighten someone away by just dumping a wheelbarrow of trauma on them first date, but neither do I want to invest in a relationship only for it to end because a potential BF can’t handle this situation. I don’t want to chat about all the horrible things that have happened to me on a nice, fun date, but neither do I want to wait until we are about to jump into bed before I drop the bombshell. It’s hard to know how much info to divulge and exactly when.
What’s the best strategy here?
I think you should wait until things get serious. You can answer questions without divulging too much information. If asked how long you’ve been single, you could say “it’s been over a year.” If questioned further, you can say things didn’t end well and you needed time to be single. Before being intimate, I think you should disclose this because you want to be safe, and in the event you have a PTSD moment, they will understand.
Good for you seeing a therapist and taking your life back!
Don’t tell anyone until you feel like they’re someone you want to get serious with, and intimate with. I would advise against any sexual situations (full stop) until you’ve met someone you want to date, and then you can be upfront about it. I’d start slowly by gauging their reaction to another sexual assault-related story, or at least prompt the guy you’re dating about a vulnerable situation of his own, and then reveal yours.
The right guy will be able to handle this, so don’t ever feel like what you’ve gone through is too difficult/too much for a guy to handle. I had to tell my current boyfriend about my assault story, and he was really grateful that I opened up to him about it. It’s never been an « issue » between us at all, he completely gets that it was a tough thing. Granted, I don’t have intense trauma over it and it doesn’t affect my life in any way now but it’s possible I may start crying at any point in the future over it, and now that he’s aware of it, he’ll be able to understand if I explain what’s going on.
P.S. everyone has some kind of trauma/thing if they’ve been living on this earth long enough. You’d be shocked at the number of women who’ve gone through this. It’s way more common than you’d think. You’re not alone, you’re not abnormal for having experienced it, you’re a strong person who’s taking charge of her life and that alone is empowering!