Dating : Dating during Recovery

Okay, I have to confess now. I am a compulsive dater (does this word even exist??). I love dating, especially the honeymoon phrase — in fact, my past relationships rarely lasted more than that. I won’t go into the reasons why here but I want to discuss how it impacts my recovery from ED.

One of the reasons for being thin, fitor healthy (which is often a cover-up for ‘thin’ nowadays) is to look attractive. And I have this huge fear that once I’m out of shape (I have been feeling pregnant these days : ), I won’t be as attractive. Or datable. Or f*ckable. It is so scary that I think if I was having a passionate affair now, I would actually postpone my recovery. I would focus on being attractive to that person at all costs, on getting even leaner and toned to attract them — and keep attracted. Why can’t I just have a toned tummy and not to worry about food?! Eat everything. Even writing this makes me thinking of going back: to restricting, to being mindful of how ‘healthy’ my food is, to toning my stomach and such. I f*cking love toned stomach.

Society around does not help. Yesterday my friend and I were discussing dating and who we like. And he dropped: “Oh, and if he has a tummy.. i can’t do it”, something like that. To which I can relate! Although my standards have been changing. I asked him: “So imagine you meet an amazing guy with a beautiful face, charmig eyes and character.. but he’s got some belly. Would you go for it?” “It depends on a personality then. Personality can save a lot of things”. (Khm! Still the view that the belly is something to be compensated for.) Okay though, if the personality is ‘right’, you probably won’t even notice or will forget about someone’s size very soon. And isn’t the personality is what matters, after all?

Satisfied with that convo, I shared with him how I recently got to be with a person in a larger body who was confident, fun and attractive (yes smack me. before that I was a judgemental bitch who thought I won’t find a normal i.e. not skinny, with some fat on it stomach attractive. Smh, i know) that it really didn’t matter. Cool.

Now listen. I understand personality matters. I get it. But I still feel so damn insecure and unattractive with this new shape, with that new-found tummy of mine : I have been talking to an interesting girl online who has mentioned how paying attention to physical aspect is shallow. A week later, she complimented me on a photo and my insecurity came full on:

— Thanks! But it’s only a photo, you know. You haven’t seen me in person yet.
— Haha well should I be worried?? — she asked jokingly. — Do you have a tummy? 😀

Here it was. I immediately felt sadness , a sting of shame and anxiety, just not feeling good enough, in shape enough to date. Maybe I should hold it off? Should I even continue talking to her? I don’t wanna meet her anymore.

Do I have a tummy? Do you? Doesn’t everyone have one??
And why do we find babies with tummies adorable but adults — nasty? I know I did. My view is slowly changing but old beliefs are still lurking around.

The girl who asked me that question probably had no idea how I feel. Not probably, she actually doesn’t know what I made out of that question. But I feel angry with how normalized it is to judge people by their body size these days: if you’re a fit person — you must be active, healthy, productive.. you must be cool. But if you’re not — you’re a lazy, unhealthy ass. Part of me still thinks that. I am starting to discover that isn’t true. And there aren’t simply 2 categories: fit & unfit. There are so many body types. So many people and situations. How did we get so judgemental?..

I still don’t know wheather it’s a better idea to hold off dating. I am curious to meet people, always have been. And you know what? I’ll go for it, I won’t put it off.

Let’s keep dating but also filter out those who are just concerned about our body types. We are so much more ❤

___________________________

Useful Vids by amazing Tabitha Farrar:
Chinese Skinny Culture
New body. New man
Sex after recovery when you’re still a virgin